Outside of the poetry scene, we were like the ignorant kids in the back of the classroom cutting up - rarely serious about anything. I began to think that my circle of inspiration and close friends were growing as a long-term romantic relationship (I use the word romantic VERY LOOSELY) had ended.
We were hittin' up the same spots, starting to talk to the same people, inviting each other out to things, doing friend-type stuff. But for some reason, there was another story going on beneath the surface of the laughter and the jokes. One I would learn about and never forget.
I networked with a local photographer that she had worked with and began to start a portfolio - even though I'm not a model...I knew I wanted to market myself as a writer/poet/something. She was always one of the first ones to comment on a new picture I had uploaded online (should have been a red flag right there) but again, I felt love and a real connection from a new friend.
Facebook was growing in popularity and began to take where MySpace had left off - I was on Facebook back in 2005 when it was only for college folk. Facebook began to allow 3rd party applications to become a regular part of the site. One application that became the hot spot to allow the shy folks to become bold was/is called the famous "Honesty Box". Oh yeah...ANONYMOUS MESSAGING. Many horns grew on the heads of folks when this was discovered.
So yeah, I downloaded it too. Much to my surprise, dudes who wanted to try their hand at you weren't the only ones using it for their agendas. Apparently, negative and hateful vibes come through this messaging service as well.
So one day, I received a message that said: I believe that you should look deeper inside of you, rely a little less on your looks and aim higher (the message said something like that)
So I wrote back to the message on a humble tip saying that if they knew me better, they would know that I'm definitely not the type of person that would think in such a shallow way. I really have other passions that I plan to go after that have nothing to do with "modeling" - which I wasn't anyway.
Then I receive a reply saying: Well, um...I do know you very well and I know that you need to check yourself and get a grip on how you are being perceived (this is not verbatim but close enough)
So now I'm getting pissed. I immediately think to myself, if this person knows me very well, then why would they address me in such an impersonal manner? Why not sit me down to talk if there's something that concerns them about me? So I basically say that in my next response and planned to keep it moving.
That day, I uploaded a new picture to my Facebook and captioned it "I dedicate this to the coward who felt the need to address me in an anonymous message instead of to my face" (I was pretty upset so yes, I mildly vented publicly - I don't do that normally btw). After several hours, I received a few comments underneath the picture...including one from Ms. Anonymous. Yep, her.
So, in a nutshell I realized the messenger was this same girl that I had hung out with, supported, cheered for, and cared about. After she went from hiding behind anonymity to publicly announcing the silent beef that was brewing. I got pretty pissed.
I simply told her not to address me anymore. Period. I knew after leaving an abusive relationship that I couldn't deal with any other type of relationship that resembled it.
I felt like the innocent bystander that got shot or something. I tried to support this girl, be a friend to this girl, only for her to let me know (subliminally) what she really thought of me.
Oh...but I'm not done!
So, a day or two later I got a phone call from a mutual friend who made me aware that Ms. Anonymous posted a note about me on Facebook. I didn't look at it because I had already blocked her from my list of friends but apparently this lovely list of LIES were said about me:
* I slept around with my "producers"
* We were very close and I shared information with her about my being a "gold-digger"
* She told me that I needed to stop sleeping around with folks and aim higher with my goals
Yep. That's what she said. And to top it off...I felt like people would believe her because I did do modeling pics and there are about 567,309,674,540,865,256,342,846,936,453,917, infinity people just like that who want to sleep their way into opportunity in the entertainment industry.
I felt alone and attacked. I knew the only ally I had was my spirit that wouldn't allow anyone to break it. I had never been officially slandered before and it felt like I was helpless for a second because although not many people knew who I was, I knew that lies like this would be believed based on what our culture accepts as entertainment these days.
Moral of the story is: The war between us ladies (especially ladies of color) NEEDS TO END. I don't have to sabotage you in order to feel great, beautiful, wanted, or loved. We can ALL share the spotlight. We can ALL be great. Somewhere, somehow, for some untrue reason, we began looking at one another as a threat. And why? Why can't we love the way God loves us?
