Dear Mr. Nice guy,
First, allow me to reintroduce myself. My name is Rob. R to
the ob. I used to move snowflakes with a shovel when it snowed in New Jersey.
Second, fuck you for rolling your eyes at my intro; that shit was clever.
Thirdly, I’m a natural born hater, and I think that your beta male mentality is
fucking pathetic.
Let us begin…
Sir, you do realize that nice guys always finish last? That
putting yourself in the homegirl/homeboy situation will always get you second
runner up? You must be one of those super faithful guys who sends “good morning
beautiful” text messages to every cute bitch you meet. That shit is played out
son. Stop it. I remember fucking this girl and she got six good morning text
from six different dudes. Six texts! She’s gargling my balls while you assholes
are sending her a “good morning beautiful” text with the kissie face emoticon.
Ugh. You make me sick. And I feel sorry for you because I was just like you.
Yes, a younger Rob was a nice guy. I wasn’t always the
strapping bearded lad who had his way with the ladies. Nope, I once believed
that chivalry was the best way and man whores were evil. I bought flowers, took
chicks on dates, wrote poems, etcetera etcetera. I did all that Drake shit and
thought it would work. But more often than not, I found myself holding my dick
after a date or a night out at the club.
Why? Because I was corny. Because I didn’t engage their
vaginas. Because I thought that saying all the right things would get me
somewhere.
“But Rob, I got a gang of bitches I hang with. Suzy with the
fat ass. Shanel with the perfect figure. I got pictures with these girls all on
my Instagram and Facebook.” Cool. Real cool. Nothing wrong with having female
friends playa. But real quick? How many text do you get at 11 pm that say
“Gimme the dick?” None. (Quick note. Fuck you for thinking that fat/ugly chicks
counts. They’re always available. To everyone.)
See, I’m not advocating that you do anything but be
yourself. But there must come a time when enough is enough. Are you not a man?
Be a man! Conquer that pussy! Make her want you! I remember asking a number of
women “Why aren’t we fucking? Pure and simple. What makes you want that asshole
and not me?” Truth be told, they thought I was too safe. Too comfortable. Too
boring. I was squeaky clean on paper and did everything right, but not giving
them any reason to drop the drawls. Even worse, when I eventually did get some
cootch after weeks of waiting, it was a 15 minute romp and she never called me
again.
I wasn’t sexy and I didn’t stimulate women to want me.
Being sexy and being attractive are entirely different
things. And it isn’t physical at all. Can you command her inner freak with
words? When you tell jokes, are they flirtatious and intelligent with slight
double entendres? Do you even tell jokes? Comedy and liquor are the quickest
ways to having sex. Hell, comedy and liquor are the quickest ways out the
friend zone. Tease her ever so slightly and she’ll give you that playful “Stop
it!” with a grin and a shove. Then she’ll fix her hair and look at you with her
beautiful brown eyes and think “I want his penis.”
Being sexy is wearing your button up and jeans with
confidence. Roll up a sleeve and add a cheap watch and a bracelet. Stay away
from a fucking blazer and jeans. You don’t stand out. Stop it. Wear a cheesy
t-shirt from Spencer’s and dare her to be offended. And when she asks you what
you do for a living, give a cool but crazy answer; “I’m a professional athlete
who’s never played for a sports team. In the meantime, I make cat porn in my
mother’s basement. What do you do?” Are you lying? I sure hope so. But that
shit is interesting. Be interesting. Exude interesting. Be the penis she wants.
Fuck her brain you moron.
Mr. Nice Guy, it is your duty to please that booty. Don’t be
a creep, but be a creep. Don’t be an
asshole, but be an asshole. Make her
want you. She should go home and think “man, that guy was the shit.” Every non
platonic female interaction you have should leave her thinking about you.
Wanting you. You need to be the envy of all without even trying.
I’m rooting for you man. I hung up my player card and I’m passing
my wisdom and knowledge to the younger generations. I know that you can do it.
Call that broad up and tell her to meet you at a museum. Bitches love museums.
And when you get there, change plans and watch a hockey game followed by bar
hopping at different strip clubs. Trust me, it works. Shit is interesting and
fuck you for disagreeing. I’m getting my dick licked tonight. You think that
hookah lounge date is going to get your dick licked? Didn’t think so.
With hatred and love,
Rob
