Advice from A Guy Who Gets Laid Every Night (Mature Content)

DISCLAIMER:  I HAVE FRIENDS IN MY DOODLE WORLD.  I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO ROB AKA CRAZYBUG.  (I JUST MADE THAT UP...HE'LL LOVE THE NICKNAME, I'M SURE.)  ANYWAY, THIS IS WHAT HE HAS TO SAY ABOUT MEN WHO TAKE THE GENTLEMAN APPROACH TO FINDING A LADY.  HIS WORDS, NOT MINE...BUT THAT'S MY NINJA 5000.  ALRIGHTY?!  ALRIGHTY.  LET'S GO.

Dear Mr. Nice guy,

First, allow me to reintroduce myself. My name is Rob. R to the ob. I used to move snowflakes with a shovel when it snowed in New Jersey. Second, fuck you for rolling your eyes at my intro; that shit was clever. Thirdly, I’m a natural born hater, and I think that your beta male mentality is fucking pathetic.

Let us begin…

Sir, you do realize that nice guys always finish last? That putting yourself in the homegirl/homeboy situation will always get you second runner up? You must be one of those super faithful guys who sends “good morning beautiful” text messages to every cute bitch you meet. That shit is played out son. Stop it. I remember fucking this girl and she got six good morning text from six different dudes. Six texts! She’s gargling my balls while you assholes are sending her a “good morning beautiful” text with the kissie face emoticon. Ugh. You make me sick. And I feel sorry for you because I was just like you.

Yes, a younger Rob was a nice guy. I wasn’t always the strapping bearded lad who had his way with the ladies. Nope, I once believed that chivalry was the best way and man whores were evil. I bought flowers, took chicks on dates, wrote poems, etcetera etcetera. I did all that Drake shit and thought it would work. But more often than not, I found myself holding my dick after a date or a night out at the club.

Why? Because I was corny. Because I didn’t engage their vaginas. Because I thought that saying all the right things would get me somewhere.

“But Rob, I got a gang of bitches I hang with. Suzy with the fat ass. Shanel with the perfect figure. I got pictures with these girls all on my Instagram and Facebook.” Cool. Real cool. Nothing wrong with having female friends playa. But real quick? How many text do you get at 11 pm that say “Gimme the dick?” None. (Quick note. Fuck you for thinking that fat/ugly chicks counts. They’re always available. To everyone.)

See, I’m not advocating that you do anything but be yourself. But there must come a time when enough is enough. Are you not a man? Be a man! Conquer that pussy! Make her want you! I remember asking a number of women “Why aren’t we fucking? Pure and simple. What makes you want that asshole and not me?” Truth be told, they thought I was too safe. Too comfortable. Too boring. I was squeaky clean on paper and did everything right, but not giving them any reason to drop the drawls. Even worse, when I eventually did get some cootch after weeks of waiting, it was a 15 minute romp and she never called me again.

I wasn’t sexy and I didn’t stimulate women to want me.

Being sexy and being attractive are entirely different things. And it isn’t physical at all. Can you command her inner freak with words? When you tell jokes, are they flirtatious and intelligent with slight double entendres? Do you even tell jokes? Comedy and liquor are the quickest ways to having sex. Hell, comedy and liquor are the quickest ways out the friend zone. Tease her ever so slightly and she’ll give you that playful “Stop it!” with a grin and a shove. Then she’ll fix her hair and look at you with her beautiful brown eyes and think “I want his penis.”

Being sexy is wearing your button up and jeans with confidence. Roll up a sleeve and add a cheap watch and a bracelet. Stay away from a fucking blazer and jeans. You don’t stand out. Stop it. Wear a cheesy t-shirt from Spencer’s and dare her to be offended. And when she asks you what you do for a living, give a cool but crazy answer; “I’m a professional athlete who’s never played for a sports team. In the meantime, I make cat porn in my mother’s basement. What do you do?” Are you lying? I sure hope so. But that shit is interesting. Be interesting. Exude interesting. Be the penis she wants. Fuck her brain you moron.

Mr. Nice Guy, it is your duty to please that booty. Don’t be a creep, but be a creep. Don’t be an asshole, but be an asshole. Make her want you. She should go home and think “man, that guy was the shit.” Every non platonic female interaction you have should leave her thinking about you. Wanting you. You need to be the envy of all without even trying.

I’m rooting for you man. I hung up my player card and I’m passing my wisdom and knowledge to the younger generations. I know that you can do it. Call that broad up and tell her to meet you at a museum.  Bitches love museums. And when you get there, change plans and watch a hockey game followed by bar hopping at different strip clubs. Trust me, it works. Shit is interesting and fuck you for disagreeing. I’m getting my dick licked tonight. You think that hookah lounge date is going to get your dick licked? Didn’t think so.

With hatred and love,

Rob

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THE ATTEMPTED MURDER OF CHIVALRY

Chivalry is ENDANGERED...not DEAD.  I definitely have had my experiences in the past with guys that couldn't spell the word R-E-S-P-E-C-T with a broke record of Aretha Franklin in the room, but I wonder sometimes if the majority of ladies have to learn things the hard way when they're dealing with a disrespectful or non-chivalrous other half.

I've been amazed at the women I've encountered in the recent past that have a very high tolerance for a guy treating them like a "maybe" or a "Plan Z".

I was reading an article that talked about 10 traits that men look for in a mate and one of them was a woman that doesn't take crap from anyone.  Meaning that her tolerance level for being mistreated or taken for granted is non-existent.

Often what I see happening is a woman's BARK being worse than her BITE - not that I'm trying to compare my beautiful ladybugs to a dog, but you know what I'm saying.

And if you don't know what I'm saying...I mean that as females who get emotional pretty easily, many women vent and try to release those feelings through argument, yelling, or some type of emotionally charged behavior.  BUT...doing all of that does not mean you don't tolerate being mistreated.  It might prove you have a problem with it, but fussing about it and then having make up sex 3 hours later is hardly putting your foot down to someone that you might want a future with.  On the contrast, it actually puts you in a position to be taken less and less serious.

Establishing clear standards of what you expect in a relationship is SO VITAL for anyone who wants to be in a healthy relationship.  But more than this, you need to make sure you LIVE BY IT TOO.

Living by it does not mean venting to your girlfriends, getting them all amp'd up and trying to find blunt objects for your man's forehead on Monday and then you're back in "Lovey Dovey" mode by Wednesday with your girls still in Tyson mode.

Men like women with DEFINITION.  Period.  Point blank.  If you are "blahhhh...whatever" about what he does and what you want...he will be too.

Chivalry and respect go hand in hand.  And YES...some guys will never totally grasp the concept of what it means to show respect and favor of that kind to a woman...but that's when you block that Troll (yes I said Troll) off your Facebook...Skype...Twitter...Face to Face and pager if you're old school like that.

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