I KNOW YOU DON'T WANT ME BECAUSE I HAVE KIDS!!!

Let me explain sumthin to you Lucy ::in my Ricky Ricardo voice::  look at my words RIGHT down here:

THERE ARE MEN OUT THERE WHO WILL LOVE YOU REGARDLESS OF THE FACT THAT YOU ALREADY HAVE CHILDREN!!!

Some ladies don't understand this situation because they feel somehow tainted or scarred by the fact that the relationship didn't work with the father.  

A grown ass man knows that as adults we go through life and things happen.  What if you were divorced with kids?  Would that make the situation any better just because technically you didn't begin as a single mom?  You still are at single mother status regardless of the story that got you there.  AND A REAL MAN KNOWS THAT.

 Now, I'm not saying that you won't find a guy who does not prefer to date a woman with children.  Some men know that they don't want kids or want to deal with them.  Just like a guy might not want to date a brunette, or a Spanish woman, or Black woman or any other person that might not be his preference.  

I remember it was 2007, I had been out of a serious relationship for about 7 months and I had one friend in particular that I wanted to get to know better.  At the time I was still trying to adjust to the fact that I had a second child and felt very uncomfortable telling people that I had kidS...especially a guy that I thought would judge me.

 Then I remember speaking to a good friend about the situation on IM and this is what he told me:

"A real man knows that life goes on and if there is a woman he is truly into, he looks at her and not at her "stats".  If a man sees you handling your business with your children and you have your life together and are taking good care of them, it's more of a turn on.  He works harder to prove that he is worthy of being in your life."

And what I see often times is a woman killing herself mentally - trying to prove that she is worthy of a man that she has her eyes on instead of trusting God enough to wait for it all to fall into place.  And usually it falls into place when you're handling your business and it feels "off-guard" because your mind is in a healthier space.

THE LAST THING THAT YOU SHOULD EVER EVER EEEEEVVVERRRRR DO IS STAY IN AN UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP, SETTLE FOR LESS THAN WHAT YOU KNOW YOU DESERVE, OR HOLD YOURSELF TO A LESSER STANDARD BECAUSE YOU ARE A SINGLE MOM OR BECAUSE OF HAVING CHILDREN YOU FEEL UNWORTHY OF SOMEONE MAKING A TRUE EFFORT TO BE WITH YOU. 

Whether you consider yourself a valuable treasure or yesterday's trash...you have the power of that being reality.  And with either choice...you will be right.  It's all up to you.  REMEMBER THAT.

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ARE NICE GUYS "NICE" BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO BE??? (PART 2)

I got some really interesting feedback about this topic and I wanted to elaborate on it more AND clarify a few things if I may (clears throat).

Most of the people who I talked to about this wanted to place emphasis on the female mentality by saying that women do NOT respond well to the men that have more "gentleman-like" qualities and sadly enough...men that are classified as "nice guys" do not get as many romantic opportunities as the arrogant and "not-so-nice" men.

Well...1st and foremost...if you refer back to my last post...I do tap into that assumption a little, but it wasn't my main argument.

My last post was more about the MALE MENTALITY and the fact that men who lack confidence often use the argument of women not liking "nice guys" as a cop-out to cover up their own deficiencies. That's what I was trying to say because I personally know guys like that. Some older than me sadly enough.

Now back to the LADYBUGS and their confused behinds. Now many of the people that I talked to about this had a consensus that women are very confused about the type of man they actually want. Meaning many women SAY they want a "nice guy" but when they get one...they either don't know what to do with him, or they dismiss him for a jerk.

THIS IS A QUOTE FROM ONE OF THE READERS IN THE LAST POST THAT GAVE FEEBACK ~~~~

"the definition of "nice guy" changes with the maturity of the women defining it."

SOUNDS LIKE A REAL STATEMENT IF YOU ASK ME. But then, another reader made the point that, "even women that seem to have it more "together" (responsible, etc.) still fall in this category".

I agree with both statements, but I think my angle on it is far from typical.

First of all, there are many women who have grown up watching their mothers or guardians entertain disrespectful men and had to make sense out of what was happening all on their own. I would imagine in that type of household that abuse may not have been discussed, or maybe the, "do as I say, not as I do" rule may have been in effect. Broken homes period are very representative of many homes today.

But why???

Well, I would definitely say that there is a HUGE issue with women and their standards (or lack thereof). Back in the day, women didn't have a voice - they had more of a place, and I would argue that in many households it was passed down to be in a submissive frame of mind. But I believe over time, that submissive mindset began to get mixed in with bitterness and anger because of people (or men) abusing that dynamic.

The concept of family began to change from traditional to extended to blended to broken and then to reality show celebrities who have no talent. (I know that was random...my bad.) But my point is...it's easy to say that women don't know what they want. And it's TRUE...many women DON'T. But somewhere along the line I believe the mentalities of certain women began to take a turn for the worse in an effort to cope with ways they were treated, what they grew up with, or maybe were exposed to.

I'm not saying it's a man's fault. I think it's a cycle that's been a sad reality for many, many, many years . But if you're going to measure a person for their faults...you should open your minds more and pull out a calculator. Yeah I mean, with all of these females that are broadcasting every bodily attribute other than their minds nowadays, not to mention the women that accept being "the other woman" or the "side-piece", it's easy to blame them for having no standards.

But where did it all come from?

Are all of these women just greedy for shallow attention and gratification from a man, preferably a egotistical man-whore or does she have a story? Is she hurt? Did she learn the ignorance?

I'm definitely not trying to justify women having weak standards, but sometimes you should remember a person like that could be your family member or best friend.

IT'S ALL ABOUT YOUR MENTALITY....LOOK AT THIS. (YEAH IT'S "OLD SCHOOL" TIME SNITCHES. SOME PEOPLE NEEDED A GRANDMA LIKE THIS.)

(SHOW CLIP OF RAISIN IN THE SUN)

(Yeah...I know it's an old old old clip...but somebody needs to embed this mindset back into the world. The moral of my rant is in this clip and it should make you look deeper than the surface of many misguided women in the world. Even the "nicest" of guys wrongfully judge sometimes.)


MIND FOOD VIA THE MARLEY MAN ~~~~~~ CALLED "JUDGE NOT"


"Don't you look at me so smug
And say I'm going bad.
Who are you to judge me
And the life that I live?
I know that I'm not perfect
And that I don't claim to be.
So before you point your fingers,
Be sure your hands are clean."  - BOB MARLEY

(SHOW CLIP OF BOB MARLEY SONG)

~~~~~~ HOPE I FED YOU SUFFICIENTLY ~~~~~

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ARE NICE GUYS "NICE" BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO BE??? (PART 1)

Q: Exactly how "NICE" is a nice guy? Are they nice because they want to be or because they HAVE to be?
 

My reason for talking about this is:

I have come across certain guys...friends...and ones I've went out on a date or two with who believe 200% that women don't appreciate or want "nice guys". They said that when a guy treats a woman how THEY SAY they want to be treated...they don't respond to it well.

And stuff like this irks my life honestly. Yes...I said my WHOLE LIFE. Reason being that people refuse to make a thoughtful assessment and size up an entire situation. Instead they scratch the surface making a general statement that isn't valid at ALL. Well, actually some of it's valid LOL.

But let me stop confusing you....I'm going to break this down for anyone who needs to put this matter into perspective.

1) A "nice guy" is not a doormat. For all of you "self-proclaimed" nice guys that call yourselves "nice guys" JUST because you haven't had a lot of experience with women or you fear rejection like you fear catching Swine Flu...you can't just call yourself "nice" because you humble yourself out of lack of confidence rather than your internal respect for the woman you are interested in. I could probably name about 20 guys right now that are selfish and self-serving as hell but would humble themselves for a woman they find attractive off of the sole fact that they lack self-confidence and would step out of character in order to meet her approval.

2) There are PLENTY of women that are aloof, misguided and wouldn't know a "nice guy" from a statue of George W. Bush. Some women fail to get in touch with herself long enough to know what type of guy she is dealing with in the first place. So yes, THESE WOMEN may be more likely to fancy a guy who would dropkick her down a flight of steps with a straight face. (I know that was violent but I'm just sayin')

3) I'm not trying to further damage the confidence of a guy who has issues with approaching or maintaining a connection with a woman. Really I'm just trying to take away from the DENIAL a guy may have about his lack of lady action. WOMEN WANT CONFIDENCE...NOT A DOUCHEBAG. (Pardon the expression...again...i'm just sayin').

AGAIN....REAL WOMEN WANT A MAN THAT CAN STAND UP FOR HER AND HIMSELF. A MAN THAT IS AWARE OF HIMSELF AND KNOWS WHO HE IS AND MORE IMPORTANTLY...WHAT HE WANTS. THE PROBLEM WITH "JERKS" ARE THAT THEY DISPLAY A FALSE SENSE OF CONFIDENCE. THEN, WOMEN THAT ARE EVEN LESS CONFIDENT ACCEPT THEIR BEHAVIOR AND THRIVE OFF OF THE ENDLESS CHALLENGE OF GETTING ALONG WITH A GUY WHO ALREADY HAS AN INTERNAL STRUGGLE AND THEN IT SHINES THROUGH WITHIN THE RELATIONSHIP...OR BETTER YET FOR LACK OF A BETTER EXPRESSION: EVERYBODY'S ALL JACKED UP.

BUT BACK TO THE SELF-PROCLAIMED "NICE GUY", JUST THINK ABOUT IT. IF A NON-CONFIDENT GUY SUDDENLY DEVELOPED SOME SWAG (GOSH I WISH THAT WORD SWAG WOULD DIE) WOULD HE STILL BE THE SAME PERSON THAT PUT A LADY ON A PEDESTAL?

~~~ DOODLEBUG SHRUG ~~~

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I DIDN'T REALLY LOVE MY EX

I was so confused about my ex that (at the time) I had invested 6 plus years into. No matter how many times I tried to work things out with him, I was always reminded how much he was Mr. Wrong.   I was at a point of my life where I knew that inner growth was mandatory because I had spent so much time running from my problems - especially with him.  I prided myself on being a strong woman because the tears my ex used to inspire from my eyes had dried permanently.  I couldn't even cry if I tried by the end of the relationship.
  
But this "strength" was coming from a deceptive place.  I was "strong" because I ran.  I had grown accustomed to looking through him instead of at him.  I had judged him, the situation and had a mentality of "F-CK EVERYBODY" when something went wrong because it was easier to detach myself from the source of pain.  I had no idea how much how much I needed to learn about life and love.


I had a good friend sit me down one day and ask me did I truly think I loved my ex.  Of course I said yes.  More than he ever did as far as I was concerned.  But did I really?

At that moment my friend introduced to me the DIFFERENT TYPES OF LOVE that exist.

AREAS OF LOVE ~~~~~  (the names are of Greek origin)

First, there's "EROS".  Eros can be remembered easily from the longer word erotic.  Eros is a type of "love" that most people base their romantic relationships on.  This love can be the butterflies in your stomach to the passion you share sexually.  THE SAD PART IS...THIS TYPE OF LOVE IS TOTALLY DEPENDENT ON THE CIRCUMSTANCE.  It is a PERCEPTIVE love.  Perceptions and feelings often CHANGE - which is why there are so many song lyrics about falling in and out of love.  EROS is a conditional love.

Then you have "PHILIA".  You can remember this one from Philly aka - "the City of Brotherly Love".  That's exactly what Philia is.  It's the fellowship you have with your roll dawgs.  Philia has the same problem that Eros has - it is totally dependent on what's going on at that time.  If something is perceived wrong, or if there is a argument/fight...this could end the bond.  

REMEMBER THIS:  If the basis for your relationship thrives on Eros or Philia...the foundation is weak.  

Finally we have AGAPE love.  Agape is the gangster of love.  It isn't a slave to feelings, perceptions, and circumstances.  AGAPE IS ABOUT MAKING A DECISION TO LOOK OUT FOR A PERSON'S WELL-BEING.  IT CHANGES LOVE FROM A FEELING TO A CHOICE. 

Now, some people may say...'you can't help how you feel about a person'.  And they're right.  Sometimes you can't control a feeling you may have about another person.  But that's just the thing.  True love has nothing to do with "feelings". 

When you make a personal commitment to truly LOVE a person...to "Agape" a person, you take control of the situation and your happiness.  For these reasons:

1)  You choose to understand the situation and the person in that situation.

2)  When you allow the other two types of "love" to be the dominant factor in your relationships, you  are subject to much more confusion and conflict.  Your patience and mood can be affected by Eros and Philia very easily thus resulting in unnecessary stress.  

3)  It is exercise for the mind and spirit.  It's like giving your soul a workout.  When someone hurts you and you dig deep within yourself and trust God to strengthen your faith by forgiving them and looking past the circumstance...it's a gift of power and control for your mind.

I honestly don't want to kick my ex down a flight of steps anymore.  To truly LOVE is to embrace those who you have an indifference with.  It's HARD.  Yes.  But that's the test.  Life is meant to LIVE IT AND PAY ATTENTION TO THE MORAL OF YOUR STORY.  

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