Showing posts with label settling for less. Show all posts
Showing posts with label settling for less. Show all posts

Melanie Fiona: "Don't Settle For Less Just To Be In A Relationship"


Necole Bitchie had a "Girl Talk Chat" with 30-year-old Melane Fiona who talked about her recent break up with Adam Rodriguez (that edible-looking Hispanic dude from CSI Miami).

Madame Noire covered this story as well and quoted her on the smartest method to part ways when you break up with your man.

"Remaining calm is generally the best way to approach the situation".  It's so easy to fly off the handle and throw stuff outside, burn stuff, but there is nothing good that comes from that.  There's more strength and power in remaining calm because you've done the work to know what is for you and what is not for you."

I feel like, this situation is always two-fold in my eyes.  Most people will try to play the, "I have no f*cks to give" approach in many break up situations because most people try to save face and look unaffected.  OR, you might actually see the volcano erupting depending on who you're dealing with.

Ms. Fiona's mentality (IMO) is honestly the best mindset to have in a situation that will undoubtedly test your levels of chill.  Especially if there was cheating or lying involved.

But it's definitely more important for you to be okay on the INSIDE.  And the best thing that can help you remain cool during a rough split would be to have the right people around you (aka a DOPE SUPPORT SYSTEM).

Don't start talking to your bitter friends that can't wait for drama to pop off so they can get animated about telling you what you should do - even though all of their advice has NEVER worked in their own situation.

You need to be around the people who will push you to keep moving, to do better, and to vent, but to ultimately let it go and move on.

Most importantly, don't short change yourself.  There are a TON of people who have filed for divorce because they married for all the wrong reasons.  There are also people who married because they were trying to prove something.  Who (exactly) are you proving anything to?  Do you get full off of what these people eat?  Do they pay your electric bill and if they do can you tell them to take a crack at mine real quick?!  After all, behind closed doors, THAT will be the person you have to co-exist and go through this thing called life with.

That brings me into my next topic about women who feel they have "earned a ring".  Oh yes dammit, let's explore this shit.  (Look, I cursed.)

Marriages That Last Are Because The Other Person Is FORGIVING!!! (A FORMER WIFE'S STORY)



THIS STORY IS BASED ON A PERSON I KNOW WHO WAS MARRIED FOR ALMOST A DECADE. WE CHOPPED IT UP AND SHE SPILLED HER EXPERIENCE AS A MARRIED WOMAN. PLEASE LEAVE YOUR THOUGHTS, REACTIONS, QUESTIONS, COMMENTS...I'D LOVE TO HEAR WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT THIS ONE.

((HER BEGINNING QUOTE THAT STARTED THE WHOLE CONVO!!!!))
"Marriages that last are usually because one or the other partner is very forgiving!!! They chose to suck up and ignore the other person's faults rather then see their family fall apart!!!!"


HER STORY:
I was was married for 8 years and I trusted the guy blindly for a long time until one day I got a phone call. It was a girl that he had lied to and told he was single. She kindly told me she had slept with him. I thanked her, and began packing my shit.

As I was crying and packing, a friend of mine (male) called me and I told him what happened. He convinced me to stop packing and take it step by step.

((This was the convo with my friend)) He told me to calm my ass down and said that I should not ask him (my husband) anything right away. I should let him come home as usual and wait until he was relaxed and then mention the phone call with out starting an argument.
He said that if I was calm, I could focus on his reaction more and that would tell me more of the situation way more then the words that were going to be said.
So I did that.
And of course my husband denied everything, but his body language and defensiveness towards the entire conversation made it obvious that the girl had told me the truth.

You see at that moment, all I could think of was my son. So I gave him options.

1) Me and my son would leave.
2) He could be honest with me and see how we could work on the marriage.
3) Two can play that game (aka an open marriage) - that way he could do him, I could do me, and we would stay together mainly for my son.

He said he would do anything to keep us together, so I gave him the benefit of doubt and stayed. BIG MISTAKE. Once you lose trust, you lose everything. If you're looking for something and begin to dig, eventually you will find something.

But I was young and dumb, so I had to learn.

Even if he was telling the truth, I imagined the worst.

I wasn't myself anymore.
I became a crazy ass woman.
The FBI and CIA had nothing on me.

That was he biggest mistake I made. I refused to get hurt, so all love was lost.
I refused to be the fool, and began to do things that aren't in my character.
When I found proof that the girl who called me wasn't the only female he dealt with, that’s when things got real.  I made the choice for him.  Remember, my friend was the one who convinced me to stay.

His wife cheated on him around the same time. This is where the fun began.
I clearly told my husband that we would be in an open relationship, but he didn't believe me because he knows, that's just not me. I did (however) start going out more often, and we would take turns with that. He had one weekend, I had the next.  We completely stopped going out together as a couple.

The guy who convinced me to stay became my best friend.
We would spend all day and night talking and texting.
I talked to him more then I talked to my own husband.
We were both hurt and angry at our significant others, so we had that common ground.
Any free time we had, we would spend with each other.  We were there for each other mentally, emotionally, and sexually.
I guess he was my comfort and I was his.
Being cheated on fucked my head up really bad to the point that I began to have self-esteem issues - something I never had, but having my best friend around made it so much easier to deal with.

I can't lie, the physical part of cheating was nice - we enjoyed the connection we shared. He picked at my brain as much as I picked at his. The worst way a woman can cheat is emotionally, and I did both.
I ended up leaving my husband without him knowing that I cheated. Unfortunately, that was a mistake as well. He had not given up on us for some odd reason and did everything to get me to come back home.   (Side note: I still kept in touch with my friend).

So fast forward about a year after we had been separated and living apart, he was still trying to win me back.  I had told the other guy (best friend) he needed to go make his marriage work for his kids.  At the end of the day, I couldn’t continue what we were doing.  I know his kids, and love them. I couldn't keep taking part in breaking up their family.  His wife ended up finding out about the situation.

Then I ended up giving in to my husband.  I wanted another baby.  I told my husband that I was going to have another one with or without him.  He was all for it.  So we tried to work our marriage out again.  I was really coming back with the idea that I had forgiven him and would wipe the slate clean.

He took me to Puerto Rico, and I came back expecting! Unfortunately, I lost the baby. Too much stress probably caused it.  We talked about it and decided not to wait long before trying again and a few months after, I was pregnant again.

I was miserable most of my pregnancy. I still felt like I couldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.  I began to dig for dirt again.  Like I said before, I never stopped talking to my friend, but he didn't know I was pregnant.  He asked me to meet him for lunch one day to catch up.  And I did.

He told me his wife had moved out and that he had physical custody of his kids. He kept glancing down at my stomach though.  When I told him I was pregnant, he congratulated me, but the look on his face, I will never forget.

Things with my husband got worse and worse.

My baby was born on my best friends’ youngest sons birthday, and when I began to feel contractions, I told him before I told my own husband.  After I gave birth, I really couldn't take living in the same house as my husband, but he refused to let me move out at the time.
So I intentionally left my email open one day.  It was open to all the messages I had exchanged with my friend (for years by that point).

 His brother was staying with us and found them.  My husband did not forgive me for what he found, which was me playing the same game he had played on me.  When he first confronted me about it, I denied it.  I told him that it was just emails when I was hurt by the things he had done.

After the fact, I felt awful.  I felt dirty.  I had lost myself.  I was very unhappy with life.  I had not forgiven him, nor had I forgiven myself.

Little by little, I had to find myself again!!!

He let me leave with the idea that we just needed time away from each other to sort out our feelings.

I knew I couldn't go back though, and he was very angry. He ended up moving in with one of the girls he cheated on me with and now, she's the one getting cheated on.  He has not changed at all.  I know he’s cheating on her because of his mom telling me and he’s pretty open about doing it himself.  My kids also come back telling me about the arguments they have.
As for my (at one time) best friend, I still talk to him. His wife came back to him.

He (the best friend) would sometimes send me, "you know I love you messages".  His Instagram would show them going out to dinner and a few minutes after dinner, I would get a message saying he's thinking about me, it’s crazy.

It's not physical though because he's not getting anything from me.

But I go back on my original statement.

They recently had an anniversary. He posted a picture of her and wrote: everyone asks what's the secret for us being together for so long, the secret is no secret.  My wife just happens to be a forgiving wife.

I've seen how my aunts, cousins or friends get cheated on and how they stay to keep their families together.

They just happen to be forgiving people, and if that's what it takes to keep a marriage, I honestly don't want one.

I'm not single because I can't find anybody.  I'm single because I'm not going to settle for just “being forgiving”.  F**k that.  I'll buy my own roses for Valentine’s Day gosh darn it!!! But I refuse to settle for less then I know I deserve.  (END OF HER STORY)

So, what do you think about that????

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