10 KEY DEAL BREAKERS IN DATING SOMEONE....

PAYING FOR THE DATE.  - I remember a guy I was dating for a hot second took me out a few times then hit me with a question that caught me off-guard.  He asked me if I had a problem with paying for dinner or taking the bill sometimes.  So I'm sitting there thinking to myself...um...(sigh).  First of all, HE ASKED ME ON THE DATE!!! If I had asked him to go out....SURE!!! I should be more than happy to pay because I presented him with the question, meaning it would be good etiquette to pay.  But I am old fashioned, damn the whole, "it's 2012" crap...if you're hard up for $$$ that's fine! Take me to the park or something, but you asked to chill with ME - not the other way around.  I felt like he was  very inexperienced with the art of dating a woman OR he was just someone who didn't like to spend his own money like that.  Needless to say it was a big turnoff  because he made me feel like I was a gold digger in training.  ((buzzer sound)) FAIL.

FLIRTING W/ OTHER WOMEN WHILE YOU'RE AROUND - Have you lost your damn mind?! I don't know what it's like to get locked up for karate chopping somebody in slow motion, but I would imagine it's not worth it for a loser that would actually put you in that position.  ANY GUY THAT WOULD MAKE YOU FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE LIKE THAT IS NOT WORTH GETTING TO KNOW BETTER.  There is a difference between a guy that's just a playful people person and a guy that can't pass up an opportunity to woo a pretty lady.  And I'm seriously the type of a**hole that will do it back just to let him see how it feels.  Yep.

LIARS - I've always wondered, why do people stand firm on their lies LONG after they've already been caught?  If I have to worry about you lying about small things, you will DEFINITELY protect your behind from something on a larger scale.  Trust is a very delicate thing that many people think they deserve, but really it is earned by developing a bond.  Lies cause so much stress for the person telling the it, along with the person who will probably find out the truth anyway.  It just isn't worth it.

NEGATIVE -  I don't want somebody who acts like Spongebob, because that deserves a swift kick to the twin cakes too...BUT...if I can expect you to be a drag about life in general, or you always shoot down an idea, a person, or a feeling - YOU ARE NOT THE ONE.

INCOGNITO - If someone (male or female) goes missing for a extended period of time and you have been seeing them for over a month or so, this is an ultimate red flag.  I feel like this one depends on the dynamic of your relationship as well because there are many people who believe they are "dating someone" when in reality, they are just exchanging bodily fluids.  In this case, an AWOL situation is direct proof that you are a booty call and nothing more.  Someone who is truly interested will remain frequent in your life, with an emphasis on COMMUNICATION.  Someone who hands you thoughtless excuses about their disappearing acts probably is not tripping off of you or what you think.

NON-SUPPORTIVE - As you are getting to know a person, they should be showing you signs of knowing the concept of LOYALTY.  If you are in a jam with something, they should at the very least express sincere concern (emphasis on the word SINCERE).  Even if they can't immediately come to your rescue, they should let you know that they would try.  This goes for BOTH SEXES.  If I can sense that you wouldn't hold me down in a situation early in the game...you have done me a huge favor and I choose to dodge that bullet.  Too many people overlook this quality and after the relationship gets more serious, they are emotionally burned by the lack of support.

TOO MUCH JEALOUSY - Jealousy can be somewhat of a sexy quality.  This lets you know that a person cares about what you do and who you're doing it with.  BUT - under NO circumstances is it okay for anyone to treat their guy or lady like property.  You should be able to speak to other people (as long as boundaries are not violated and respect is present) without your guy or lady creating a web of drama.  IT IS OF EXTREME IMPORTANCE that you talk to your guy or lady about boundaries.  What are you comfortable and not comfortable with?  Some stuff will be trial and error and that's just life, but at least have the convo.  If you care about your relationship being healthy, you will do this.

PUBLIC EMBARRASSMENT - This is another BOUNDARY discussion.  Everybody has different levels of what they consider to be appropriate and inappropriate in public.  BUT, nobody should treat you like you're not on their level and try to correct/scold you like you're a child NOR should a person put their lady or guy on display and make them uncomfortable.  It's a respect thing.  It's sad when some people don't have enough home training to understand this either.  Blame the parents but leave the ignorant individual.  Right after you slap them.  Sike...(sort of).

SUBSTANCE ABUSE - If someone can't smoke on a tree, have a drink or 3, take a pill, or be in another "state of mind" without upsetting you or having an attitude problem - this will not get any better.  You have a choice to either attack the problem head on or deal with the stress over time.  This is a delicate issue because it has torn up many relationships and many folks are too far into their habit for a significant other to help them alone.  Seeking help doesn't mean a person is crazy, it just means you might want some assistance.  Just like you would call any other business for expert help or advice.  Don't ignore signs and become 5 years in the relationship game w/ someone you saw from day 1 needed help.

NEVER TALK ABOUT SERIOUS THINGS -  I LOOOOOOVEEEE a playful, sarcastic, fun-loving, enjoy life type of guy.  BUT...if I can't talk about anything serious with that person without him going magically deaf or I feel like I'm talking to myself...THAT IS AN ULTIMATE RED FLAG.  This is not the same as regular venting that is reserved for my girlfriends however.  In the conversation of "Men versus Women", I do believe that a woman cannot expect a heterosexual man to sit there and digest all of her yapping...BUT, sometimes an intimate and adult conversation is needed and is a great thing.  I should know you are able to do that and you have an IQ higher than your shoe size.  Also, more than the possibility of dealing with someone that's not on your intelligence level, this is also another red flag that you are not that into me.  People that are into you like that care about connecting w/ you on a deeper level.  Period.

**BONUS, BUT SHOULD GO WITHOUT SAYING**:

CHEATING.  Nowadays, you really have to establish a commitment to make sure you're even validated to get pissed if your lady or guy steps out there.  But the person that is truly worth the effort will work to earn your trust.  Someone who has shown you they are liberal with their body parts swaying in the wind (literally) is showing you what your future will look like if you accept it.  You will not change them by staying.  What you will do is probably fan the fire into the explosion that it's destined to be by accepting infidelity.

Keep your eyes open.  Many times, people get upset about the way "another person" ruined their life when it was really bad decisions that ruined it and your lack of self-reflection and accountability.

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Learn Some Damn Respect.

If you're in a relationship and you know you would be upset if you saw your mate giggling on the phone with someone of the opposite sex, MAKE SURE YOU DO NOT DO IT TO THEM.

If you are a man and you're out at a club where you decided to take sand to the beach (aka - you brought your girlfriend) you better play with your FREAKIN sand unless you are saying it's okay for your girl to be sandwiched in by two dudes while "Make Love In this Club" by Usher is on.  Some couples might honestly have the understanding that this is okay, but if you do not, ACT ACCORDINGLY.

I say all of this because I am seriously having an issue in the United States of America on the East Coast, in the Virginia persuasion of the world on my cozy couch, reflecting on how many people I know that really don't practice the crap they condemn other people for.

How dare you flirt with your co-workers knowing you have a significant other, but you feel threatened when you see your mate having a friendly exchange with someone they know?

There are far too many people who fail to take accountability (aka OWNERSHIP) for the actions that they do that screw up their relationships YET, they get mad because they were called out on it and/or had to reap the consequences.

THEN YOU HEAR EXPRESSIONS LIKE THIS:

"believe what you want to believe", "yeah, you're always right", I'll be the bad guy if it makes you feel better", "you win", etc. etc. etc.

All of these expressions are signs of avoidance.  If a person really cares about their relationship, they will be more concerned with making sure that their mate feels comfortable with a situation.  Couples that are truly in "LIKE" with one another will be more respectful of each other's feelings - regardless if they agree or disagree.  If I truly want to be with a person, I will try to see their perspective if I can tell it's truly important to them.

All couples need to establish the concept of BOUNDARIES.  Couples are two humans that have two separate brains - they need to communicate to make sure they understand what is cool for the relationship versus what isn't.  If you don't, it's a recipe for disaster.

I believe in certain homes, the concept of respecting a person's feelings, behaviors and etc. was something that was not taught from an early age.  In that case, you end up with a grown adult who relies on avoidance, misplacing blame and anger, does not take ownership for what they contribute to a problem, and a host of other reactions that create an explosion of conflict.  It's hard to say where you begin with a person who fits this description (however) because you really would have to make the decision of whether you want to invest that level of effort in working things out with a person who will defend their position to the death.

Most people nowadays will preach to gravitate to the people who feed positivity into your world, but what about when you're in a complicated relationship and it's a mixture of good and bad?  I think our generation could stand a few crash courses in going through the storm of a relationship with a person and not just throwing them away, but you have to have a balance.  If a person does not respect you - there isn't a true foundation.  Treating someone the way you want to be treated has EVERYTHING to do with levels of respect a person has.  And more than this, there ARE people who believe in double standards with men and women so it's important to know this early on so you can decide if you can handle that type of person.

Have I rambled enough?  It's definitely a complicated situation depending on the couple but I will preach the concept of KARMA forever and ever.....and EVER.  What you do to others will come back to haunt you or bless you.  You choose.

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I Gave Her 5 Times to Piss Me Off...

For the most part, people start off with a very pleasant and clean slate with me when I first meet them - regardless of what i've heard about them.  I know that sounds very "politically correct" to say, but I usually try to build my own opinion of a person without biased information influencing me - mostly because people can lie and you never know who could be "hating" on who.

So, I was hosting an event and there was this "lady" (I'm saying lady like she's older than me...she's not) but she was a contributing speaker for the event and I was definitely looking forward to meeting her.  I began the event pronouncing her last name wrong and needless to say, I believe it set the tone for the rest of our brief exchanges we had there after.  I believe the problem I truly have (note the present tense) with this person is the fact that instead of taking the time to feel me out a little better, she treated me like she already had me figured out.  Have you ever encountered someone where you feel like they have pre-judged you and are already acting out what category they've subliminally put you in?  Well, I definitely felt the vibe from this woman and needless to say, I eventually gave her the "I will stab you in your pinky toe while you're sleep" face.  


I don't understand why people take common courtesy for granted.  Even if she initially met me thinking "who is this b#tch", I would think the mature way to engage me would have been in a manner that she would want to be addressed herself.  I could be absolutely ANYONE.  How does she know?  I could hold a key to a door she would like to have opened one day, but because she made the decision to stick her nose up in the air and express a subliminally negative attitude, the door would be locked by most people if they were in my position.   


It's a problem I usually see with people that have made some level of accomplishment - they put themselves on an imaginary pedestal.  The word is PRETENTIOUS.   CELEBRITIES that I've met with FAR more credentials and accomplishments have taken time to humble themselves for a friendly exchange with me, but a person who is still in most cases a "squirrel still trying to gather her nuts" places herself above me because of what?  Your guess is as good as mine.  


Anyone who truly knows me knows that I support talented and hard working individuals 1000% - ESPECIALLY if they represent the area that I am from (Washington, DC area also known to some as the "DMV").  I gave this person MULTIPLE TIMES to show me that she had the attitude of a good ass kicking recipient (I'm not violent, I swear lol) before I made up my mind to delete her from my long list of people whose mission I support.  Not like she needs me, but karma is a real thing for people whose representatives are a far cry from who they really are.  


Okay, I think I'm done venting about Cruella DeVille.  I think it wouldn't sting as much if I hadn't opened a door for her that she didn't even acknowledge me for - but that's when I try to remember that any time I lend a hand, referral, or any of the like, it really is because it's in my heart to help people as much as I can.  See, I tried to bring it back to love even though it would be nice to drop a 10 pound weight on her foot.  ((sings "Woo-sah" song now))

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THIS Is What Will Save Your Relationship!!!

Click on the video below where I break down the necessary elements needed to play the relationship game.  Don't over-analyze the fact that I just said relationship "GAME" either. It's just an expression...calm down. ((smiley face))

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Get That Phony Smile Outta Here!!!

Do you ever get around someone and want to gag yourself because of how disgustingly "happy" they always seem?  Personally, I LOVE being around others who are cheerful and their energy is good - but ONLY if it's GENUINE.  When I'm around someone who I sense is only "wearing" a smile, it really really irks me and makes me want to drop a bowling ball on their foot.  Like 3 times in a row.  While I'm mean-mugging them with duck lips.

Case in point, a guy friend I have.  He has always wanted to be more than friends with me, but the feeling definitely isn't mutual. He always comes across polite and cheerful, but he's never been straight up with me about negative feelings he's had towards me.  Not that I want someone to beef with me, but I crave authenticity in my connections.  The second I feel that someone is being phony with me, I immediately begin to drift away from that person.  It's almost like a hidden defense I have built up.  Right or wrong, that's how I've always operated.

This is along the same issue that I have with people who preach the "HI HATER", "I LOVE MY HATERS", "HATERS ARE YOUR FANS" crap that nobody really feels deep down.  This is TOTALLY the wrong type of mentality to train yourself to have.  What is the point of preaching lies like this to make yourself appear strong and unaffected when you spend energy and time out of your day venting about people that fit this description?  Most of us that pump blood ARE affected when someone crosses us in a negative way.  And no, I'm not saying that we shouldn't boost ourselves to accept the fact that people will always have an opinion - good or bad.  However, dismissing the situation on the surface just because it's cute to say in a Facebook status will not make your emotions any stronger.  The only thing you're doing is showing others that you need to convince yourself you don't care.   Think about it.

A large part of my 20's was spent making an effort to "save face" and not appear emotionally weak with certain people - even though in many situations you could see right through me.  What I needed to learn is that by going through the conflict (which is a weak area for me), it really helps to make a bond stronger - because you are learning more about the person who you have the difference with.   If there is any amount of respect (and honestly, home training) present, then all parties involved will grow from the experience.

So cut the "nobody affects me" crap.  You just look like a LL Uncool J = Lame Lying Uncool JACKASS.  (Yeah, I'm corny...so what.)

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"I Wish You Would Just Have My Back"

Picture this.  I'm looking into the eyes of this beautiful, confident, and engaging man over candlelight and soft classical music.  We've been dating for a few months and the vibe has been perfect every time we connect.  We joke the same, we seem to speak the same body language...THEN, the question of "what are you looking for in a girlfriend" comes from my lips and he goes into a blank-stare.  Then he looks at me and says, "seriously, all BS aside, I really just want a woman who's down for me and has my back in all situations."  I wanted so bad to ask him to elaborate but that's when our plates of food were served and that lobster tail had to be handled by my taste buds immediately.  (I concentrate and savor my food when I eat...don't judge me.)

Needless to say, my mind raced at the comment he made because of a very colorful past w/ my last real relationship (key color being blue like the bruised eye my ex should have had for being a damn jerk) and the fact that when some guys say they want a woman that "has their back", what they really mean is a woman who can take a lot of their bullshit without leaving or threatening to leave.  My mind continued to wander to about 2 years prior to this date when my last real relationship was still holding on by a wing and a prayer.

((INSERT DAYDREAMING/FLASHBACK/HARP SOUND HERE))

I had a hoopty.  It was a machine that coughed, stuttered, cursed me out and finally said eff my life AND wherever I needed to go after only 3 months' time and $1000.  I was with my ex, still trying to make our relationship work after several failed attempts.  My ex was acutely aware that the car was in very poor shape in terms of the way it ran and the fact that it literally sounded like a pissed off lawn mower.  He had asked me if he could drive to NY to see the Giants' game and that's when I gave him the look.  I was thinking to myself, why would you take this explosion of thrown up rubber and metal ANYWHERE besides down the street?  BUT...I didn't say no.  I just showed my hesitation.  He told me he would do some minor maintenance to the car before he left (like that was going to save the car from being a liability on the road).  He ended up dropping me off at work and then commenced to taking his behind (and one-track mind) up to New York.  

On top of the fact that he didn't come back until the following day, leaving me without a way to get around in the morning, he didn't answer any of my texts or phone calls while he was gone.  THEN (you're going to love this one) he comes back with the car smelling of the finest Herbal Essences along with the car being trashed, full of fast food bags, wrappers and balled up napkins.  

OK OK...so yeah the "down for your man" thing would have been to fuss at him and eventually let it go right?  WELL...how do you effectively do that when the person cops more of an attitude about it than you do?  Don't you love reverse-psychology?  I must have loved it because I dealt w/ it for 7-8 years.

((PLAYS FAIRY DUST SOUNDS TO COME BACK TO REALITY IN 2012))

I told that awful story because of 1 reason...there are many people that make the statement that they want a person to "have their back" but won't even take responsibility for making sure their behavior PRACTICES WHAT THEY PREACH.  If my ex took a look at himself and would realize that he didn't have my back 1/10 of how much he expected me to have his -- he might have less of an attitude about me and what didn't work out.  Actually, he'd still have an attitude (some people just need a lifetime supply of PMS medication).  

Think about what it really means to hold a person down through thick and thin.  Meaning, you respect that person, your differences and choose to treat them respectfully despite of those differences.

THAT SIMPLE.

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