THIS Is What Will Save Your Relationship!!!

Click on the video below where I break down the necessary elements needed to play the relationship game.  Don't over-analyze the fact that I just said relationship "GAME" either. It's just an expression...calm down. ((smiley face))

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Get That Phony Smile Outta Here!!!

Do you ever get around someone and want to gag yourself because of how disgustingly "happy" they always seem?  Personally, I LOVE being around others who are cheerful and their energy is good - but ONLY if it's GENUINE.  When I'm around someone who I sense is only "wearing" a smile, it really really irks me and makes me want to drop a bowling ball on their foot.  Like 3 times in a row.  While I'm mean-mugging them with duck lips.

Case in point, a guy friend I have.  He has always wanted to be more than friends with me, but the feeling definitely isn't mutual. He always comes across polite and cheerful, but he's never been straight up with me about negative feelings he's had towards me.  Not that I want someone to beef with me, but I crave authenticity in my connections.  The second I feel that someone is being phony with me, I immediately begin to drift away from that person.  It's almost like a hidden defense I have built up.  Right or wrong, that's how I've always operated.

This is along the same issue that I have with people who preach the "HI HATER", "I LOVE MY HATERS", "HATERS ARE YOUR FANS" crap that nobody really feels deep down.  This is TOTALLY the wrong type of mentality to train yourself to have.  What is the point of preaching lies like this to make yourself appear strong and unaffected when you spend energy and time out of your day venting about people that fit this description?  Most of us that pump blood ARE affected when someone crosses us in a negative way.  And no, I'm not saying that we shouldn't boost ourselves to accept the fact that people will always have an opinion - good or bad.  However, dismissing the situation on the surface just because it's cute to say in a Facebook status will not make your emotions any stronger.  The only thing you're doing is showing others that you need to convince yourself you don't care.   Think about it.

A large part of my 20's was spent making an effort to "save face" and not appear emotionally weak with certain people - even though in many situations you could see right through me.  What I needed to learn is that by going through the conflict (which is a weak area for me), it really helps to make a bond stronger - because you are learning more about the person who you have the difference with.   If there is any amount of respect (and honestly, home training) present, then all parties involved will grow from the experience.

So cut the "nobody affects me" crap.  You just look like a LL Uncool J = Lame Lying Uncool JACKASS.  (Yeah, I'm corny...so what.)

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"I Wish You Would Just Have My Back"

Picture this.  I'm looking into the eyes of this beautiful, confident, and engaging man over candlelight and soft classical music.  We've been dating for a few months and the vibe has been perfect every time we connect.  We joke the same, we seem to speak the same body language...THEN, the question of "what are you looking for in a girlfriend" comes from my lips and he goes into a blank-stare.  Then he looks at me and says, "seriously, all BS aside, I really just want a woman who's down for me and has my back in all situations."  I wanted so bad to ask him to elaborate but that's when our plates of food were served and that lobster tail had to be handled by my taste buds immediately.  (I concentrate and savor my food when I eat...don't judge me.)

Needless to say, my mind raced at the comment he made because of a very colorful past w/ my last real relationship (key color being blue like the bruised eye my ex should have had for being a damn jerk) and the fact that when some guys say they want a woman that "has their back", what they really mean is a woman who can take a lot of their bullshit without leaving or threatening to leave.  My mind continued to wander to about 2 years prior to this date when my last real relationship was still holding on by a wing and a prayer.

((INSERT DAYDREAMING/FLASHBACK/HARP SOUND HERE))

I had a hoopty.  It was a machine that coughed, stuttered, cursed me out and finally said eff my life AND wherever I needed to go after only 3 months' time and $1000.  I was with my ex, still trying to make our relationship work after several failed attempts.  My ex was acutely aware that the car was in very poor shape in terms of the way it ran and the fact that it literally sounded like a pissed off lawn mower.  He had asked me if he could drive to NY to see the Giants' game and that's when I gave him the look.  I was thinking to myself, why would you take this explosion of thrown up rubber and metal ANYWHERE besides down the street?  BUT...I didn't say no.  I just showed my hesitation.  He told me he would do some minor maintenance to the car before he left (like that was going to save the car from being a liability on the road).  He ended up dropping me off at work and then commenced to taking his behind (and one-track mind) up to New York.  

On top of the fact that he didn't come back until the following day, leaving me without a way to get around in the morning, he didn't answer any of my texts or phone calls while he was gone.  THEN (you're going to love this one) he comes back with the car smelling of the finest Herbal Essences along with the car being trashed, full of fast food bags, wrappers and balled up napkins.  

OK OK...so yeah the "down for your man" thing would have been to fuss at him and eventually let it go right?  WELL...how do you effectively do that when the person cops more of an attitude about it than you do?  Don't you love reverse-psychology?  I must have loved it because I dealt w/ it for 7-8 years.

((PLAYS FAIRY DUST SOUNDS TO COME BACK TO REALITY IN 2012))

I told that awful story because of 1 reason...there are many people that make the statement that they want a person to "have their back" but won't even take responsibility for making sure their behavior PRACTICES WHAT THEY PREACH.  If my ex took a look at himself and would realize that he didn't have my back 1/10 of how much he expected me to have his -- he might have less of an attitude about me and what didn't work out.  Actually, he'd still have an attitude (some people just need a lifetime supply of PMS medication).  

Think about what it really means to hold a person down through thick and thin.  Meaning, you respect that person, your differences and choose to treat them respectfully despite of those differences.

THAT SIMPLE.

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He's Just Not Good Enough!!!

Can you learn to love somebody?  I hear tons of men talk about how women don't want to be with "nice guys" and that many of them end up dealing with the jerk who treats them like a second-class citizen - but what about the fact that chemistry and an attraction is needed in order to have a promising connection?

I would argue that it's pretty hard to force yourself to feel a way you naturally don't.  It's almost a "catch 22" situation because what if you naturally have chemistry with a womanizer who tells the best jokes in the damn world? Or a dude who has more PMS than a woman on two birth control prescriptions but his shoulders and smile and walk makes you want to create a sex sandwich out of him?  There's so many complexities when it comes to dating and relationships and honestly, it's so much easier said than done when it comes to avoiding a person that may be "bad" for you, but you are naturally drawn to that person.

So what do you do?  Then there's that saying that there IS no perfect man so does that mean that some of the "bad guys" should be given a break?

Females often get a bad rap when it comes to their selection process and really, in many ways we're damned if we do and damned if we don't.

I say that because nobody seems to address the deeper issue of why so many women make poor choices when it comes to their love lives.  I hear tons of ridicule about a woman who would continue to waste her life away with a "loser", but never look at the fact that many women are damaged, insecure, afraid, or uneducated about the concept of having standards.  They might not have a good example to follow when it comes to self-respect and in turn, their encounters with men reflect that lack of respect.

Take me for example, my miseducation of the opposite sex began early in my teens with a very close male "best friend-like" individual who was the epitome of a womanizer teaching me what men say to get what they want.  That resulted in me being overly cautious of most men and not believing what they say - I thought for the majority of my late teens AND 20s that men are just after your vagina.  Although I still at about 30 years of age find that to be true in many ways, it's not true if your standards are in the right place and you require respect.  But I learned that by the grace of God and after a great deal of heartbreak.

So I ask, is it a balance?  Or is it just that sometimes in life you just have to compromise...ESPECIALLY IN MATTERS OF THE HEART???

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It Takes a LOT More Than Your Body to be Sexy... (PART ONE)

I’m not even hating on Nicki Minaj for real.  She is a paid entertainer.  But some females need to learn the art of being sexy.  Nicki’s pose right here isn’t sexy at all.  Yeah, the majority of dudes would love to see a woman putting her whoo-ha on display (I'm sure it's a scientific fact).  But being sexy has nothing to do w/ how naked you can get for dudes who will obviously buy into your bare body parts. A grown woman understands that truly being sexy has nothing to do with showcasing T&A.  It’s a language that your whole personality communicates.  Being in touch with your body is only part of the recipe.  There are LOTS more ingredients, but too many women focus on this part because it’s instant gratification to get 85 likes on Facebook for being assed out.  How many likes can you get for just being an awesome person?  Just wondering.

REMEMBER THIS ONE?

And let me start by saying that I realize not every woman who "models" fits the type of female I'm addressing in this blog post.  But I am addressing the woman who knows on the inside that she spends endless money, time and energy on her public sexuality rather than something more meaningful.  Am I judging you?  NO.  But I feel like a big sister telling you that you are sincerely doing too much.

To exude sensuality has nothing to do with being raunchy like a porno reject.  Some women are sexy and know how to command attention because they are in touch with who they are and MEN NOTICE IT.   That was the part that some "hard knock life" females didn't get taught.  I feel for a woman who had to practically raise herself and exposing her body is the only way she gets validated, appreciated, or even paid because if she really knew what sexy was, she would know that she was doing entirely too much, for far too little.  

You go and ask any man with a decent personality and standards for his life what type of woman does he want to have around him.  Mind you, he will probably poke his penis out for a wet vagina because if it comes easy enough, why not?  But he damn sure doesn't have to like you to do it and he will probably be hoping deep down in the crevices of his soul that you will magically disappear after he gets his rocks off.  Sexy or not, I know PLENTY of men who can't stand to be around a woman who is fine on the outside, but her personality is like talking to a kid.  He can like every last one of your butt cheek pics (that's part of the pre-game bidding anyway) but I guarantee you that you won't be able to remove that image from his mind or his intentions).  And any woman who says, "shoot I feel the same way about him, he's MY hoe" is emotionally scorned from something.  You should admit it and work on that because that's not a natural feeling from a woman.  It's NOT.

I remember seeing "Flavor of Love" back when it was on and I think it was Buckey who showed Flav a pic of her showcasing her oiled up a** cheeks and in the same second told Flav how she's looking for a man to love her for her mind.  So y'all already know what I was looking like when I heard that one (note the expression below)

(yep...stuck RIGHT ON STUPID)

And the sad part is, the only defense that most of these women throw up when someone who cares tries to school them about this matter is that they have haters.  (Again, check the above picture) Now I ain't Beyonce' or anything, but 'er um....I don't need to hate on ANYONE.  I get attention PLUS RESPECT because I know what I'm worth.  And it's worth a hell of a lot more than strangers telling me what I should already know about myself.   There are TOO MANY WOMEN out here with no purpose who don't feel validated unless someone makes a horny ass comment about them.

PLUS!!! BACK TO MY ORIGINAL POINT...

Sexy is a state of mind.  It's not in your exposed body that makes you a small fish in a HUGE pond of girls doing the exact same thing as you.  Sexy is being in touch with who you are in this world and what you stand for.  What/who do you love, what you can do for others, what/who inspires you, what can you teach other people, what's going to be your legacy?  Your speed of bouncing on a dude's penis?  Or will it be something that means something?  Aren't you intelligent enough for that?  I think you are.  

This isn't about hate.  It's about love.  It's not fair that black women get labeled so many awful things (most of the time by other black men) and to add insult to injury, these women are right there to validate the labels!!!  So it's okay to be naked next to a dude who looks like Gremlins in 3D iMAX calling you a b*tch and a thirsty ho*.  And in the same vein, you say you are a business woman who is getting paid.  Boss, you are NOT.  You are a sex OBJECT while a woman who knows the "Art of Sexy" is far more sophisticated and is considered a sex SYMBOL - there is a BIG difference.

A "YES MAN/WOMAN" who won't tell you the truth doesn't love you.  A "YES MAN/WOMAN" doesn't care about you any more than a dude that just wants to get in your pants and then clown you for being so damn loose. 

But what the hell do I know...I'm just a "hater"... (LOL)  **plays "I'll Be Dat" by Redman**

"FACEBOOK FEMALES YOU DON'T HAVE TO UPLOAD HALF NAKED A** PICTURES TO SHOW PEOPLE THAT YOU'RE SEXY. LOOKS REALLY AREN'T EVERYTHING. BE SEXY BY THE WAY YOU ACT,COMMUNICATE,THINK,ETC.. LEARN TO RESPECT YOUR SELF" - MANNY FROM FACEBOOK <--- I SAW HIS STATUS THE SAME TIME I WAS WRITING UP THIS TOPIC...FUNNY HOW STUFF LIKE THAT HAPPENS.

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The "C" Question --- WOULD YOU DO THIS ON A DATE?

So, I'm out at a restaurant hanging out with a friend and getting to know his family and friends a little better.  I'm checking out the menu being pretty aware of prices of the things I had my eye on because I always try to be respectful when it comes to what I'm ordering if someone else is paying (I mean, that's just me.  I know some of you all wouldn't think twice about ordering that $40 filet mignon and darting your eyes at the dude if he looked like sneering at your choice).

But my friend exchanged looks with his father and then said he wanted to ask me the "C" question.  So I'm like, what the hell is the "C" question?  He then smiles and asks me:

"If you were out on a romantic dinner with me and everything was going great and when it came time to pay for the meal, I pulled out a coupon.  Would you let me take you out again or would you lose interest because you believe that's lame?

And I'm like well shoot, that's an interesting question.  But more so interesting because of the reactions of his lady relatives.  The majority of them were like, "HECK NO...I would dump him.  That's tacky and I would look at him like he's crazy for being that blatantly cheap in public".  And I'm like "DAAAAAAMNNNN!  There was emotion behind these responses!"  So, the father proceeded to give his opinion on this matter after I said "I personally wouldn't mind".  He was basically calling me a "keeper" because I understood the concept of being smart with a dollar.  He looked at the females in his family getting hyped over the question and told them that he can't figure out why they have a man at all.

This brings me to the question stirring in my brain.  Is something like this really a big deal?  Is it that important to appear a particular way when you are courting a woman?  Does this requirement come along with the other sporting events in the early dating stages? Am I not in a high enough tax bracket to even understand why this matters?

If I was on a date at a top-notch restaurant with Mark Zuckerburg and he pulls out a coupon to pay for our meal (ok...nevermind I would slap the far-sided out of his eyes...he could buy the whole restaurant like 100 times... ol' rich bastard).  But seriously, isn't this a classic example of people who try to "keep up with the Joneses"?  If I'm the type of person to use a coupon, why should I have to hide that from a date or anyone just to appear like I'm working with more money?  I believe I have an issue with this more because of how women usually say they want honesty in a man and genuineness, but if he "kept it real" and pulled out a coupon to save a few extra dollars, he's violating?  Soooo...it's okay for him to front in public as long as he doesn't blatantly lie to your face?  I just don't get it.

Help me out everybody.  Maybe I need an etiquette class or something.  

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MICHAEL EALY SPEAKS ON RELATIONSHIPS, LOVE AND THINKING LIKE A MAN.

Michael Ealy visited Howard University to talk about his movie that just dropped over the weekend, "Think Like a Man" and I had the privilege of hearing his thoughts about dating and relationships.

CHECK IT OUT HERE:

I've heard a LOT of people with strong opinions of this movie before it even dropped in theaters.  Most of the opinions that have said that it wasn't worth watching seem to have more of an issue with Steve Harvey, the author of the book, "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man" than knowing if the actual content is worth giving mental space to.

Personally, I feel like anyone could take a lesson from the concept of this movie.  It is difficult for men and women to co-exist and I think half the battle with finding more common ground is to approach different thoughts and perspectives with an open mind.  Most of the time, we all can take life examples from experiences that we've either seen or been through ourselves to help us through our own situations.

Case in point, Michael Ealy thanked Meagan Good for her contribution to the "Think Like a Man" movie right here:

My advice: checking out the movie would make for a great conversational piece.  I also noticed that most people after having watched the movie said it was worth going to see.

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MICHAEL EALY UP CLOSE...YES, HIS FACE.

Michael Ealy stopped by Howard University last week to promote the upcoming movie, "Think Like a Man" that drops on April 20th.  The day before, I couldn't help but to notice that people were tweeting like crazy about him coming into town and I retweeted a mention about him coming myself.  But then I went to his "Twitter Account" and noticed that it only had like 450 followers -- it really didn't make sense to me.  I also know there are plenty of pseudo-celebrity accounts NOT TO MENTION people that have official pages but nobody knows who the hell they are.  I digress.

CHECK OUT THIS VIDEO WITH MICHAEL EALY TALKING ABOUT HIS TWITTER ACCOUNT ON APRIL 10TH, 2012 ------  (of course I had to be the loudest person on the video...)

He actually DOES have a Twitter account now and you can follow him at @MichaelEaly

I did have a "woo-sah" moment after being that close to all his deliciousness.  Ladies, don't slap me, I got you a REEEEALLY close up video of this man.  Don't ever say I didn't do anything for ya!!!!

(I WILL BE POSTING THE INTERVIEW WITH HIM REALLY SOON HERE AND ON DCLIFEMAGAZINE.COM!!!)

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I Want To Feel Secure!!!

Making sure your home is secure at the most vulnerable hours of the night is one of those priceless things that any family takes appreciation for.  The Home Security Family website is a very cost-effective and obtainable way to see that when you are out of your home or sound asleep, your property is in the best of care with motion detectors around various entry areas and alert settings.

The cost of your peace of mind can be as cheap as $1 a day and you also have the possibility of receiving special incentives such as a Visa gift card for your purchase.  

Before I personally invested in an alarm system, I would always hear police sirens outside or any conspicuous sound with anxiety because I did not have anything to reinforce security in my home.  Now that I am an owner of an ADT alarm, I can honestly say that those feelings are past tense and I can sleep easy with the knowledge that I have protection for me and my loved ones.  

Feeling more secure in your home is only one phone call away.

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MARRIAGE KILLS RELATIONSHIPS!!!

 

That's the line I hear all too often.

I know much of my blog directs emphasis on women getting their minds right about relationships.  But one big problem I have with the way men and women operate in relationships is the fact that no one ever wants to take ownership for the part they contribute to a problem.  There is usually a person who sees themselves as a victim and that makes it harder to resolve the situation.

CASE IN POINT: The marriage conversation.  There are so many people who honestly think that MARRIAGE creates problems for relationships and makes life too complicated.  I have heard MEN and WOMEN say this.  Kind of similar to how people will say Facebook ruins relationships when in reality it’s the people on Facebook who fail to conduct themselves like they have good sense.

When a woman is treated poorly by a man she is involved with, many times the blame game will begin with the guy getting a bad wrap for being a liar, cheater, perpetrator, and etc.  SAME FOR THE GUYS – they will often call a baby mom or an ex “crazy” when he probably gave her every reason in the world to lose the last rational brain cell in her head.  WHEN WILL WE UNDERSTAND THAT THE SOLUTION TO THE WAY RELATIONSHIPS FAIL BEGINS WITH LOOKING IN THE DAMN MIRROR?

Why are you mad about finding out a guy you were seeing has this whole life and world that you knew NOTHING about when you never made it a requirement to know certain information about him?  “Never making it a requirement” equals breaking him off with the sexual goods, making time for him, and anything else you prematurely allowed him to take advantage of before you knew BY HIS ACTIONS that he was just as devoted to you.

Fellas, why are you mad at a girl you dogged out and didn’t make a top priority when she decides she deserves better and leaves?  Why are you expecting her to play her role as the leading lady when you still have other chicks auditioning for her part?  And then to add insult to injury, you have the audacity to say that she was supposed to hold you down through thick and thin. 

THE ONLY WAY TO BREAK A CYCLE IS TO BEGIN SOLVING THE PART OF THE PUZZLE THAT YOU HAVE CONTROL OVER AND THAT IS YOURSELF.  REALIZE THAT YOU NEED TO MAKE SURE THE STANDARDS YOU EXPECT ANOTHER PERSON TO MEET FOR YOU IS THE SAME STANDARD YOU SHOULD BRING TO THE TABLE YOUR DAMN SELF.

And this is not just financially.  This is not just a one-dimensional situation.  If you are the type of person who talks about people behind their backs, what the hell are you upset about linking up with a person who you realize does the same thing?

Think about it like this.  When you decide where you want to live, you are investing money into something that can be permanent if all goes well.  Most people do their homework about the place to make sure they are aware of what they’re getting themselves into.  The same care should be given to someone you are dating – especially if you are looking for a deeper connection or to be HAPPILY married one day. 

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