I KNOW YOU DON'T WANT ME BECAUSE I HAVE KIDS!!!

Let me explain sumthin to you Lucy ::in my Ricky Ricardo voice::  look at my words RIGHT down here:

THERE ARE MEN OUT THERE WHO WILL LOVE YOU REGARDLESS OF THE FACT THAT YOU ALREADY HAVE CHILDREN!!!

Some ladies don't understand this situation because they feel somehow tainted or scarred by the fact that the relationship didn't work with the father.  

A grown ass man knows that as adults we go through life and things happen.  What if you were divorced with kids?  Would that make the situation any better just because technically you didn't begin as a single mom?  You still are at single mother status regardless of the story that got you there.  AND A REAL MAN KNOWS THAT.

 Now, I'm not saying that you won't find a guy who does not prefer to date a woman with children.  Some men know that they don't want kids or want to deal with them.  Just like a guy might not want to date a brunette, or a Spanish woman, or Black woman or any other person that might not be his preference.  

I remember it was 2007, I had been out of a serious relationship for about 7 months and I had one friend in particular that I wanted to get to know better.  At the time I was still trying to adjust to the fact that I had a second child and felt very uncomfortable telling people that I had kidS...especially a guy that I thought would judge me.

 Then I remember speaking to a good friend about the situation on IM and this is what he told me:

"A real man knows that life goes on and if there is a woman he is truly into, he looks at her and not at her "stats".  If a man sees you handling your business with your children and you have your life together and are taking good care of them, it's more of a turn on.  He works harder to prove that he is worthy of being in your life."

And what I see often times is a woman killing herself mentally - trying to prove that she is worthy of a man that she has her eyes on instead of trusting God enough to wait for it all to fall into place.  And usually it falls into place when you're handling your business and it feels "off-guard" because your mind is in a healthier space.

THE LAST THING THAT YOU SHOULD EVER EVER EEEEEVVVERRRRR DO IS STAY IN AN UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP, SETTLE FOR LESS THAN WHAT YOU KNOW YOU DESERVE, OR HOLD YOURSELF TO A LESSER STANDARD BECAUSE YOU ARE A SINGLE MOM OR BECAUSE OF HAVING CHILDREN YOU FEEL UNWORTHY OF SOMEONE MAKING A TRUE EFFORT TO BE WITH YOU. 

Whether you consider yourself a valuable treasure or yesterday's trash...you have the power of that being reality.  And with either choice...you will be right.  It's all up to you.  REMEMBER THAT.

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ARE NICE GUYS "NICE" BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO BE??? (PART 2)

I got some really interesting feedback about this topic and I wanted to elaborate on it more AND clarify a few things if I may (clears throat).

Most of the people who I talked to about this wanted to place emphasis on the female mentality by saying that women do NOT respond well to the men that have more "gentleman-like" qualities and sadly enough...men that are classified as "nice guys" do not get as many romantic opportunities as the arrogant and "not-so-nice" men.

Well...1st and foremost...if you refer back to my last post...I do tap into that assumption a little, but it wasn't my main argument.

My last post was more about the MALE MENTALITY and the fact that men who lack confidence often use the argument of women not liking "nice guys" as a cop-out to cover up their own deficiencies. That's what I was trying to say because I personally know guys like that. Some older than me sadly enough.

Now back to the LADYBUGS and their confused behinds. Now many of the people that I talked to about this had a consensus that women are very confused about the type of man they actually want. Meaning many women SAY they want a "nice guy" but when they get one...they either don't know what to do with him, or they dismiss him for a jerk.

THIS IS A QUOTE FROM ONE OF THE READERS IN THE LAST POST THAT GAVE FEEBACK ~~~~

"the definition of "nice guy" changes with the maturity of the women defining it."

SOUNDS LIKE A REAL STATEMENT IF YOU ASK ME. But then, another reader made the point that, "even women that seem to have it more "together" (responsible, etc.) still fall in this category".

I agree with both statements, but I think my angle on it is far from typical.

First of all, there are many women who have grown up watching their mothers or guardians entertain disrespectful men and had to make sense out of what was happening all on their own. I would imagine in that type of household that abuse may not have been discussed, or maybe the, "do as I say, not as I do" rule may have been in effect. Broken homes period are very representative of many homes today.

But why???

Well, I would definitely say that there is a HUGE issue with women and their standards (or lack thereof). Back in the day, women didn't have a voice - they had more of a place, and I would argue that in many households it was passed down to be in a submissive frame of mind. But I believe over time, that submissive mindset began to get mixed in with bitterness and anger because of people (or men) abusing that dynamic.

The concept of family began to change from traditional to extended to blended to broken and then to reality show celebrities who have no talent. (I know that was random...my bad.) But my point is...it's easy to say that women don't know what they want. And it's TRUE...many women DON'T. But somewhere along the line I believe the mentalities of certain women began to take a turn for the worse in an effort to cope with ways they were treated, what they grew up with, or maybe were exposed to.

I'm not saying it's a man's fault. I think it's a cycle that's been a sad reality for many, many, many years . But if you're going to measure a person for their faults...you should open your minds more and pull out a calculator. Yeah I mean, with all of these females that are broadcasting every bodily attribute other than their minds nowadays, not to mention the women that accept being "the other woman" or the "side-piece", it's easy to blame them for having no standards.

But where did it all come from?

Are all of these women just greedy for shallow attention and gratification from a man, preferably a egotistical man-whore or does she have a story? Is she hurt? Did she learn the ignorance?

I'm definitely not trying to justify women having weak standards, but sometimes you should remember a person like that could be your family member or best friend.

IT'S ALL ABOUT YOUR MENTALITY....LOOK AT THIS. (YEAH IT'S "OLD SCHOOL" TIME SNITCHES. SOME PEOPLE NEEDED A GRANDMA LIKE THIS.)

(SHOW CLIP OF RAISIN IN THE SUN)

(Yeah...I know it's an old old old clip...but somebody needs to embed this mindset back into the world. The moral of my rant is in this clip and it should make you look deeper than the surface of many misguided women in the world. Even the "nicest" of guys wrongfully judge sometimes.)


MIND FOOD VIA THE MARLEY MAN ~~~~~~ CALLED "JUDGE NOT"


"Don't you look at me so smug
And say I'm going bad.
Who are you to judge me
And the life that I live?
I know that I'm not perfect
And that I don't claim to be.
So before you point your fingers,
Be sure your hands are clean."  - BOB MARLEY

(SHOW CLIP OF BOB MARLEY SONG)

~~~~~~ HOPE I FED YOU SUFFICIENTLY ~~~~~

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ARE NICE GUYS "NICE" BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO BE??? (PART 1)

Q: Exactly how "NICE" is a nice guy? Are they nice because they want to be or because they HAVE to be?
 

My reason for talking about this is:

I have come across certain guys...friends...and ones I've went out on a date or two with who believe 200% that women don't appreciate or want "nice guys". They said that when a guy treats a woman how THEY SAY they want to be treated...they don't respond to it well.

And stuff like this irks my life honestly. Yes...I said my WHOLE LIFE. Reason being that people refuse to make a thoughtful assessment and size up an entire situation. Instead they scratch the surface making a general statement that isn't valid at ALL. Well, actually some of it's valid LOL.

But let me stop confusing you....I'm going to break this down for anyone who needs to put this matter into perspective.

1) A "nice guy" is not a doormat. For all of you "self-proclaimed" nice guys that call yourselves "nice guys" JUST because you haven't had a lot of experience with women or you fear rejection like you fear catching Swine Flu...you can't just call yourself "nice" because you humble yourself out of lack of confidence rather than your internal respect for the woman you are interested in. I could probably name about 20 guys right now that are selfish and self-serving as hell but would humble themselves for a woman they find attractive off of the sole fact that they lack self-confidence and would step out of character in order to meet her approval.

2) There are PLENTY of women that are aloof, misguided and wouldn't know a "nice guy" from a statue of George W. Bush. Some women fail to get in touch with herself long enough to know what type of guy she is dealing with in the first place. So yes, THESE WOMEN may be more likely to fancy a guy who would dropkick her down a flight of steps with a straight face. (I know that was violent but I'm just sayin')

3) I'm not trying to further damage the confidence of a guy who has issues with approaching or maintaining a connection with a woman. Really I'm just trying to take away from the DENIAL a guy may have about his lack of lady action. WOMEN WANT CONFIDENCE...NOT A DOUCHEBAG. (Pardon the expression...again...i'm just sayin').

AGAIN....REAL WOMEN WANT A MAN THAT CAN STAND UP FOR HER AND HIMSELF. A MAN THAT IS AWARE OF HIMSELF AND KNOWS WHO HE IS AND MORE IMPORTANTLY...WHAT HE WANTS. THE PROBLEM WITH "JERKS" ARE THAT THEY DISPLAY A FALSE SENSE OF CONFIDENCE. THEN, WOMEN THAT ARE EVEN LESS CONFIDENT ACCEPT THEIR BEHAVIOR AND THRIVE OFF OF THE ENDLESS CHALLENGE OF GETTING ALONG WITH A GUY WHO ALREADY HAS AN INTERNAL STRUGGLE AND THEN IT SHINES THROUGH WITHIN THE RELATIONSHIP...OR BETTER YET FOR LACK OF A BETTER EXPRESSION: EVERYBODY'S ALL JACKED UP.

BUT BACK TO THE SELF-PROCLAIMED "NICE GUY", JUST THINK ABOUT IT. IF A NON-CONFIDENT GUY SUDDENLY DEVELOPED SOME SWAG (GOSH I WISH THAT WORD SWAG WOULD DIE) WOULD HE STILL BE THE SAME PERSON THAT PUT A LADY ON A PEDESTAL?

~~~ DOODLEBUG SHRUG ~~~

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I DIDN'T REALLY LOVE MY EX

I was so confused about my ex that (at the time) I had invested 6 plus years into. No matter how many times I tried to work things out with him, I was always reminded how much he was Mr. Wrong.   I was at a point of my life where I knew that inner growth was mandatory because I had spent so much time running from my problems - especially with him.  I prided myself on being a strong woman because the tears my ex used to inspire from my eyes had dried permanently.  I couldn't even cry if I tried by the end of the relationship.
  
But this "strength" was coming from a deceptive place.  I was "strong" because I ran.  I had grown accustomed to looking through him instead of at him.  I had judged him, the situation and had a mentality of "F-CK EVERYBODY" when something went wrong because it was easier to detach myself from the source of pain.  I had no idea how much how much I needed to learn about life and love.


I had a good friend sit me down one day and ask me did I truly think I loved my ex.  Of course I said yes.  More than he ever did as far as I was concerned.  But did I really?

At that moment my friend introduced to me the DIFFERENT TYPES OF LOVE that exist.

AREAS OF LOVE ~~~~~  (the names are of Greek origin)

First, there's "EROS".  Eros can be remembered easily from the longer word erotic.  Eros is a type of "love" that most people base their romantic relationships on.  This love can be the butterflies in your stomach to the passion you share sexually.  THE SAD PART IS...THIS TYPE OF LOVE IS TOTALLY DEPENDENT ON THE CIRCUMSTANCE.  It is a PERCEPTIVE love.  Perceptions and feelings often CHANGE - which is why there are so many song lyrics about falling in and out of love.  EROS is a conditional love.

Then you have "PHILIA".  You can remember this one from Philly aka - "the City of Brotherly Love".  That's exactly what Philia is.  It's the fellowship you have with your roll dawgs.  Philia has the same problem that Eros has - it is totally dependent on what's going on at that time.  If something is perceived wrong, or if there is a argument/fight...this could end the bond.  

REMEMBER THIS:  If the basis for your relationship thrives on Eros or Philia...the foundation is weak.  

Finally we have AGAPE love.  Agape is the gangster of love.  It isn't a slave to feelings, perceptions, and circumstances.  AGAPE IS ABOUT MAKING A DECISION TO LOOK OUT FOR A PERSON'S WELL-BEING.  IT CHANGES LOVE FROM A FEELING TO A CHOICE. 

Now, some people may say...'you can't help how you feel about a person'.  And they're right.  Sometimes you can't control a feeling you may have about another person.  But that's just the thing.  True love has nothing to do with "feelings". 

When you make a personal commitment to truly LOVE a person...to "Agape" a person, you take control of the situation and your happiness.  For these reasons:

1)  You choose to understand the situation and the person in that situation.

2)  When you allow the other two types of "love" to be the dominant factor in your relationships, you  are subject to much more confusion and conflict.  Your patience and mood can be affected by Eros and Philia very easily thus resulting in unnecessary stress.  

3)  It is exercise for the mind and spirit.  It's like giving your soul a workout.  When someone hurts you and you dig deep within yourself and trust God to strengthen your faith by forgiving them and looking past the circumstance...it's a gift of power and control for your mind.

I honestly don't want to kick my ex down a flight of steps anymore.  To truly LOVE is to embrace those who you have an indifference with.  It's HARD.  Yes.  But that's the test.  Life is meant to LIVE IT AND PAY ATTENTION TO THE MORAL OF YOUR STORY.  

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IF YOU DON’T WANT YOUR MAN TO CHEAT…

I've heard just about everything in life when it comes to keeping your man from cheating. Everything. I've heard that you should make sure you handle biz in the kitchen on the regular...I've heard you should make him feel like he's cheating with you sometimes and have role-play where you're his "whore/slut/sex toy whatever", and I've also heard that it's a lost cause because men will probably cheat regardless.

I was watching a YouTube clip that a lovely lady I'm friends with on Facebook shared on her profile.  It was a dude explaining to the ladies that if you want to keep your man from cheating, you need to stay away from men who are well-endowed AND men with money.  Funny as it was, he was so sincere about his argument.

Well, that seems like it makes perfect sense because of his logic.  He said that most men like to show off something they possess that is worthy of bragging rights.  Fair enough.

But I know that even the "Tiny Timmys" probably have had their share of extra-curricular booty. Umm hmm.

First of all, there are PLENTY of reasons why men cheat.  Women as well, but the problem is not the external factors of food, sex, and money.  It's the lack of INTERNAL FOUNDATION.

This is what I know about people who have a relationship with GOD.  NO THEY ARE NOT PERFECT AND NEVER WILL BE.  THEY WILL MESS UP, THEY MIGHT TALK A LITTLE TRASH, MIGHT EVEN SLAP SOMEBODY IF THEY'RE FEELING FROGGY ENOUGH (these are jokes).......BUT.....

Having a relationship with GOD helps to direct a person to make better decisions.  Sure...people who have no relationship with GOD aren't all vicious people with a vendetta out to hurt someone....BUT...

in times where they could make a decision that is out of love, maturity, is morally the right thing to do, or in their best interest in the LONG RUN....many times....they might choose a more selfish route.  We need spiritual guidance to help lead us to a better frame of mind.

When the secretary's fast behind at your man's job wants to stick around an extra hour to see if he feels like biting her bait...TRUST ME when I say you would rather have a man who knows GOD to make that judgment call rather than a man who does not.  Especially if you've gotten a little lazy with your better half and like to wear Army Fatigues to bed with the hard rollers and your favorite doo-rag.  (I need the ladybugs that do this to cut that out too.)

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GOLDDIGGER VS PROSTITUTE VS WOMAN: A BREAKDOWN

YES KIDS.  It's time to clear up this situation because there is nothing more annoying in the world than for TERMS and WORDS to be confused for one another.  ("Hating" and Disagreeing being one of them but that's another post.)

I'm breaking this down because women are confused on a regular basis about where their head should be when they start dating someone.  The confusion often lies with the want for a man to be a gentleman and act like one but not wanting to be perceived as a "golddigger" and run the guy off.  So let's break down a golddigger shall we?

 A "Golddigger" =  a woman who deliberately uses her body to reap monetary benefits from a person she claims to be interested in.   (Sounds a LOT like prostitution doesn't it???)

That's because it IS.  A "Golddigger" is just a fancy prostitute (YEAH I SAID IT.)  It is "golddigging" when you break a dude off sexually because he buys you something or gives you money (no, I'm not talking about being in a relationship and you give your man a taste because he got you that perfume or gold bracelet you wanted.)

Short review:  Golddigging is a form of PROSTITUTION.   The groupie knows the relationship with her moneybag source is only restricted to occasional hotel stays and being in the VIP crowd at the clubs.  Depending on whether she can make her time with the guy a memorable sexual experience...she may have more opportunities to take advantage of what his world has to offer.

Now....LET'S GO BACK TO THE AVERAGE WOMAN who doesn't want to appear like she's trying to run a guy's pockets.  I have a story.

I linked up with this guy about a year or two ago that I talked to online for a little while.  He invited me to lunch/early dinner one day and I accepted.  We met up at Ruby Tuesday and started ordering our food.  Back then, I was really watching what I ate and only ordered a salad.  I'm pretty sure I got water for my drink too (aka a free item).  He orders a burger, a salad, and a drink.  When it came time for us to take the check, he began to tell me a story about how he was out eating with a girl and she didn't bring any money.  He told me that she shouldn't have assumed that she was going to get a free meal from him because it was a sign of dependency and it's a very attractive trait for a woman to take care of herself.
First of all, I was thinking to myself that this bastard probably has that song "She Got Her Own" by Neyo and Jamie Foxx on repeat in his car.  Then I thought to myself, 'didn't he ask me to come out and eat?'  I would say that my portion of the bill barely hit $8 and I ended up putting down $20 as my portion.  Needless to say he attempted to arrange a 2nd rendez-vous with me and FAILED in the most epic of ways.

What I believe he thought was that I would be more worried about leaving him an impression that I have my stuff together financially rather than allowing him to display a chivalrous act of paying for the lunch/early dinner that he invited me to.  After all, 1st impressions are everything right?  But what he neglected to address was the 1st impression he left with me.

Moral of the damn story is (can you tell I still want to slap him for that?) THERE IS A HUGE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A PROSTITUTE AKA GOLDDIGGER AND A WOMAN WITH FINANCIAL EXPECTATIONS.

Ladies, please stop being afraid to HAVE FINANCIAL EXPECTATIONS.  You know what you are and what you're not.  If you know your main goal in life isn't to take advantage of a guy, then be yourself and have the expectation that a guy should step up in that area if he wants to be with you.  Stop being afraid that you will run him off by having standards.  I'm not saying he should have a certain amount of money.  I am saying that he should at least be working towards becoming a provider (unless you want a dude that you will have to take care of).  It took me YEARS to learn that concept.  I'm just glad I learned it in my 20's and not in my 50's.


Old but such a true saying:  If you don't stand for something...YOU WILL FALL FOR ANYTHING.

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LET'S TALK ABOUT CHURCH FOLKS

One thing that I've noticed as I get older is that the church population (meaning people that attend a church regularly) have a very powerful reputation in the eyes of people who don't frequent church very often.  Many people that don't make going to church a priority of theirs often say similar things when they talk about why they do not attend church. And yes, I am speaking specifically on people who have a belief in Christianity.   Here's some of the main reasons I personally hear:

1) "Church folk" are too judgmental and hypocritical
2) There is too much drama and confusion within the church
3) "Church folk" are very nosy
4) Church is ran more like a business than a place to worship God

On the reverse side of the equation, I have been told by people who make church a priority that people make excuses about why they cannot attend church.  It's more a lack of discipline and commitment to GOD than it is about any reason/excuse.

I even had someone tell me several years ago that in order to be "saved" you have to fellowship in church and if you did not attend church then you were not truly a "saved soul".  I'm not really sure what Bible they were reading but hey, I love them nonetheless. 

I (personally) was not raised in church.  I do come from a strong spiritual family where my Grandfather was a Pastor and most of my family were raised in church as well.  I was taught many scriptures and stories from my parents but I cannot say that I was ever an active member of any church.  I did attend Vacation Bible School all the time as a kid though, not sure if that counts for anything.  *Shrugs*

But with all of this information, I believe that truth resides on both sides to some extent.  And here's why...

First of all I'm going to address the people who are turned off by what they believe goes on inside most churches -

YES.  There are PLENTY of people in church who may judge you, be nosy, hypocritical, they may have just got done screwing half the congregation and all that other fun jazz that happens in life.  HOWEVER, can't you say that about ANYONE?  Not just people in church.  If there are people out here in the world as a whole who judge, who are hypocrites, who stir up drama, who make it their business to stay in yours....then why not uplift yourself in a church?  I think that it is important to attend a church because it's spiritual exercise.  It challenges your flesh (that wants things that is not always good for you) to be better and to live the way God would want you to live.  It is there for you to listen and be inspired by the lives of others so that you can learn and grow from their journey.  Don't ever let a few ignorant people who may lose sight of why they're in church to keep you away from growing your relationship with God.

And for the ones who are active in church every Sunday, I would hope that it's more of a natural reflex to invite people into the house of God rather than cast judgment.  Church attendance does not equal "saved".  Sorry.   Finding your husband, talking about who has on what, or talking about who did what to whom should not make the top of your priority or conversational list in church.  [Note to church folk who judge others harshly] read Matthew 7:2  ~~~~~~~

Judge not, lest ye be judged...For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged also.

And it's so funny how in my own life, I am a living and walking testimony to how I've SEEN people who judged me in particular ways had to eat those words by going through the same crap.  I was ridiculed and judged for not leaving a troubled relationship, then the person judging me had to go through the same situation where she was dogged out and didn't know how to leave.  I was judged at one point for mishandling money/finances, then the person developed a gambling addiction.

Point blank:  God wants us all to connect and love one another.  Especially the ones who are the hardest people to love.  Often times, that's our test.  How can we appreciate growth if we start out being giants from day one?  Think about it.

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AM I JEALOUS OF THIEVES???

At the end of the day...when I look back 30-40 years from now and see what I've accomplished and what I've done to prosper in the world, one thing I will stand firm on is the fact that I took the road to help others and do right by other people. 

I seen some people I've encountered personally and others that I managed to dodge who make it a mission of theirs to get ahead by 'any means necessary'.  This "any means necessary" often includes being deceptive to other people and "slithering" into situations - probably because of lack of confidence in themselves that they could get ahead the "honest" way.

My grandmother passed away in June of this year and one thing I remember her saying was "to never be jealous of what someone has, because you never know how they got it".  That is a powerful quote right there.  All I see around me in 2011 are people who seem to be misguided about what is truly important.

People have such an obsession with the "finer things in life" that they often lose sight of the "priceless things in life".  

People who use manipulation, lies, and sneakiness to gain leverage in a situation, really don't understand how these things often backfire in the long scheme of things.  The gangster mastermind can never fully trust because of their own nature to be untrustworthy.  And what's the point of obtaining power and wealth and your peace of mind or soul is totally lost?  Doesn't make much sense to me honestly, but some people crave power so bad they will sacrifice anything to gain it.

I'll definitely listen to Grandma on this one -- why envy the person that knew they weren't talented enough to gain the world by just being...well...talented?  LOL

LOVE YOU GRANDMA.  ALWAYS AND FOREVER.

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STOP TRYING TO FORCE A SITUATION

It's so crazy how we always try to do things within our own strength and half of the time...we blind ourselves with uncertainty and confusion. Deep down we know the answer, but we're afraid to move on what our intuition is telling us.

And one thing that my friend had to remind me one day was that we can either react on what God tries to show us...or we can let him come in and shake things up.  And sometimes that "shaking things up" puts us on the softest part of our as*es in the hardest way.

A LOT of the things that hold us back has to do with the curse of being INDECISIVE.  We often allow things to sit and manifest until we look up at the calendar and it's a year later and you thought somehow (in a magical storybook-like manner) things were going to change for the better with no action on your part.  Um...uh...NO.  That's not how it works.

I talked to a woman older than me (about 50 years old) who told me straight up that she wasted a lot of years trying to work out things in a relationship with her ex that didn't want to be worked out.  She told me that many of us spend so much time in a sea of confusion, when the only thing that is truly confusing us is OURSELVES AND OUR FEARS. 

If you believe in God, if you have ever prayed to a God before, you have something inside of you that gives you an alarm when things aren't right.  And that isn't there because God wants you to ignore it.  It's there because God needs you to stop trying to let your fear and weakness drive you - which is what we do in many situations that we create...maintain...or never end.

I'm not preaching.  I'm trying to tell you all who read my stuff that I have struggled with this too.

LESSON OF THE DAY:  DON'T REMAIN IN ONE PLACE THAT YOU KNOW YOU DON'T BELONG.  "REMAIN" MEANING PROCRASTINATION.  YOU MIGHT WAKE UP 20 YEARS LATER WITH THE SAME PROBLEM AND MUCH MORE WRINKLES AND CELLULITE.  THEN WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?  BUY YOUR POLIGRIP AND DEPENDS DIAPERS BEING AS MISERABLE AS YOU WERE AS A YOUNG ADULT.

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THE ATTEMPTED MURDER OF CHIVALRY

Chivalry is ENDANGERED...not DEAD.  I definitely have had my experiences in the past with guys that couldn't spell the word R-E-S-P-E-C-T with a broke record of Aretha Franklin in the room, but I wonder sometimes if the majority of ladies have to learn things the hard way when they're dealing with a disrespectful or non-chivalrous other half.

I've been amazed at the women I've encountered in the recent past that have a very high tolerance for a guy treating them like a "maybe" or a "Plan Z".

I was reading an article that talked about 10 traits that men look for in a mate and one of them was a woman that doesn't take crap from anyone.  Meaning that her tolerance level for being mistreated or taken for granted is non-existent.

Often what I see happening is a woman's BARK being worse than her BITE - not that I'm trying to compare my beautiful ladybugs to a dog, but you know what I'm saying.

And if you don't know what I'm saying...I mean that as females who get emotional pretty easily, many women vent and try to release those feelings through argument, yelling, or some type of emotionally charged behavior.  BUT...doing all of that does not mean you don't tolerate being mistreated.  It might prove you have a problem with it, but fussing about it and then having make up sex 3 hours later is hardly putting your foot down to someone that you might want a future with.  On the contrast, it actually puts you in a position to be taken less and less serious.

Establishing clear standards of what you expect in a relationship is SO VITAL for anyone who wants to be in a healthy relationship.  But more than this, you need to make sure you LIVE BY IT TOO.

Living by it does not mean venting to your girlfriends, getting them all amp'd up and trying to find blunt objects for your man's forehead on Monday and then you're back in "Lovey Dovey" mode by Wednesday with your girls still in Tyson mode.

Men like women with DEFINITION.  Period.  Point blank.  If you are "blahhhh...whatever" about what he does and what you want...he will be too.

Chivalry and respect go hand in hand.  And YES...some guys will never totally grasp the concept of what it means to show respect and favor of that kind to a woman...but that's when you block that Troll (yes I said Troll) off your Facebook...Skype...Twitter...Face to Face and pager if you're old school like that.

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