Advice from A Guy Who Gets Laid Every Night (Mature Content)

DISCLAIMER:  I HAVE FRIENDS IN MY DOODLE WORLD.  I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO ROB AKA CRAZYBUG.  (I JUST MADE THAT UP...HE'LL LOVE THE NICKNAME, I'M SURE.)  ANYWAY, THIS IS WHAT HE HAS TO SAY ABOUT MEN WHO TAKE THE GENTLEMAN APPROACH TO FINDING A LADY.  HIS WORDS, NOT MINE...BUT THAT'S MY NINJA 5000.  ALRIGHTY?!  ALRIGHTY.  LET'S GO.

Dear Mr. Nice guy,

First, allow me to reintroduce myself. My name is Rob. R to the ob. I used to move snowflakes with a shovel when it snowed in New Jersey. Second, fuck you for rolling your eyes at my intro; that shit was clever. Thirdly, I’m a natural born hater, and I think that your beta male mentality is fucking pathetic.

Let us begin…

Sir, you do realize that nice guys always finish last? That putting yourself in the homegirl/homeboy situation will always get you second runner up? You must be one of those super faithful guys who sends “good morning beautiful” text messages to every cute bitch you meet. That shit is played out son. Stop it. I remember fucking this girl and she got six good morning text from six different dudes. Six texts! She’s gargling my balls while you assholes are sending her a “good morning beautiful” text with the kissie face emoticon. Ugh. You make me sick. And I feel sorry for you because I was just like you.

Yes, a younger Rob was a nice guy. I wasn’t always the strapping bearded lad who had his way with the ladies. Nope, I once believed that chivalry was the best way and man whores were evil. I bought flowers, took chicks on dates, wrote poems, etcetera etcetera. I did all that Drake shit and thought it would work. But more often than not, I found myself holding my dick after a date or a night out at the club.

Why? Because I was corny. Because I didn’t engage their vaginas. Because I thought that saying all the right things would get me somewhere.

“But Rob, I got a gang of bitches I hang with. Suzy with the fat ass. Shanel with the perfect figure. I got pictures with these girls all on my Instagram and Facebook.” Cool. Real cool. Nothing wrong with having female friends playa. But real quick? How many text do you get at 11 pm that say “Gimme the dick?” None. (Quick note. Fuck you for thinking that fat/ugly chicks counts. They’re always available. To everyone.)

See, I’m not advocating that you do anything but be yourself. But there must come a time when enough is enough. Are you not a man? Be a man! Conquer that pussy! Make her want you! I remember asking a number of women “Why aren’t we fucking? Pure and simple. What makes you want that asshole and not me?” Truth be told, they thought I was too safe. Too comfortable. Too boring. I was squeaky clean on paper and did everything right, but not giving them any reason to drop the drawls. Even worse, when I eventually did get some cootch after weeks of waiting, it was a 15 minute romp and she never called me again.

I wasn’t sexy and I didn’t stimulate women to want me.

Being sexy and being attractive are entirely different things. And it isn’t physical at all. Can you command her inner freak with words? When you tell jokes, are they flirtatious and intelligent with slight double entendres? Do you even tell jokes? Comedy and liquor are the quickest ways to having sex. Hell, comedy and liquor are the quickest ways out the friend zone. Tease her ever so slightly and she’ll give you that playful “Stop it!” with a grin and a shove. Then she’ll fix her hair and look at you with her beautiful brown eyes and think “I want his penis.”

Being sexy is wearing your button up and jeans with confidence. Roll up a sleeve and add a cheap watch and a bracelet. Stay away from a fucking blazer and jeans. You don’t stand out. Stop it. Wear a cheesy t-shirt from Spencer’s and dare her to be offended. And when she asks you what you do for a living, give a cool but crazy answer; “I’m a professional athlete who’s never played for a sports team. In the meantime, I make cat porn in my mother’s basement. What do you do?” Are you lying? I sure hope so. But that shit is interesting. Be interesting. Exude interesting. Be the penis she wants. Fuck her brain you moron.

Mr. Nice Guy, it is your duty to please that booty. Don’t be a creep, but be a creep. Don’t be an asshole, but be an asshole. Make her want you. She should go home and think “man, that guy was the shit.” Every non platonic female interaction you have should leave her thinking about you. Wanting you. You need to be the envy of all without even trying.

I’m rooting for you man. I hung up my player card and I’m passing my wisdom and knowledge to the younger generations. I know that you can do it. Call that broad up and tell her to meet you at a museum.  Bitches love museums. And when you get there, change plans and watch a hockey game followed by bar hopping at different strip clubs. Trust me, it works. Shit is interesting and fuck you for disagreeing. I’m getting my dick licked tonight. You think that hookah lounge date is going to get your dick licked? Didn’t think so.

With hatred and love,

Rob

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Signs A Woman Is GENUINELY Interested In You

Because I think some people get this confused on a regular basis -  I know women do too, but both are equally annoying.

I truly understand the fact that many men would love for women to be more forward in 2014 (it's just a different day and time for some who don't want to guess what the woman is thinking), but since you can't always read her mind or get her to come to you, you should at least know the SIGNS.
1) SHE STALKS YOU ON FACEBOOK OFTEN -
You usually know when she mentions something about your activity or maybe a comment she questions you about.

2) HER JEALOUSY COMES OUT -
Most women that are genuinely interested in you will show her disapproval when someone else appears to be lurking.  And definitely if you are entertaining them.  This will likely come out in the form of questions or smart a** comments.

3) SHE STAYS IN KISSING DISTANCE OFTEN -
Most women that want you will give you both the opportunity to create that aura of intimacy.  If she's distant, it probably means she'd prefer it that way.

4) SHE STARTS TO SAY THINGS YOU SAY -
A woman that starts to mirror your language and mannerisms is someone who probably wants to get closer to you (or already feels close to you) in the back of her mind.

5) YOU RARELY CATCH HER SLIPPING -
A woman should definitely feel comfortable in her skin around you, we all know this. But if you can tell she always smells nice and looks edible around you...I would bank on the fact that she's doing this on purpose to heighten your attraction for her.

6) SHE WILL TRY TO DO DOMESTIC THINGS FOR YOU -
A woman wants to show her tender, caring side to a man she's feeling attached to.  And while there are some women who give boyfriend/husband benefits to anyone...there are those women who reserve that special treatment for a man she is into.  She will also boast her skills (if she has them lol) in the earlier phases of interest.

7) SHE LAUGHS AT YOUR STUPID JOKES -
A woman who wants you will always receive your attempts at connecting with her with open arms.  That simple.

8) SHE IS EASY TO FIND -
If you have to put out the SWAT Team, Police dogs, smoke signals, and holla at Olivia Pope to find a woman you're into, I'm willing to bet the bank on the fact that she's not trying to be found.  At all.  It's one thing if she's genuinely busy and apologizes but a woman will rarely disappear on a man she wants a deeper connection with.




(I'M POSTING THE MEN NEXT....)

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You THINK I Want You, or You KNOW I Want You?

When you're nice and people take it for more than just common courtesy.

Fellas, you guys are NOT the only ones who have this issue.  I've found myself in a situation before where someone assumed that because I opened my mouth to utter syllables that resulted in a sentence, that it obviously meant I was checking for them.  ((Family Feud Buzzer sound))  Negative champ.

I truly don't understand why things can't just be face value with some people.   Did I SAY I wanted you?!  Did I compliment the globe like structure of your cranium cavity?  Or maybe the slope shape forehead view I have whenever I catch you at a sideways angle?  ((cue the video please))

Anywhoo...

You can call me a jerk that's fine, but women are sick of men that think they're God's Gift just like men get tired of women who are always acting like a man who acknowledges their presence wants to get with them.

Honestly, I blame you sneaky bastards though.  If it wasn't for so many people who live the creep life and have to ease their way into dealing with a person (because being STRAIGHT THE F*** UP IS OBVIOUSLY A 1995 TYPE OF THING), we could just have cordial connections without all the extra nonsense.

Yep, we live in the days of Catfish on MTV and BlackPeopleBEAT.com (meet my ass)

(Can you tell I'm a tad perturbed by this BS?!)

If I'm nice to you, THAT DOES NOT MEAN ANYTHING BESIDES THE FACT THAT WE ARE COOL AND I HAVE HOME TRAINING!!!  MMMM...KAY?!?!

When I was in my twenties, I definitely didn't understand that people can't read minds and you have to enunciate your vowels when you want to be on the same page with someone.  But now that I'm older, I lose my mind when I come across people that assume stuff without sufficient evidence.

You don't know what the hell I'm thinking.  Chances are if you're in the position of not knowing what's on my mind it's probably because the f**ks I give about you knowing are slim to none.  

Damn that was mean.  But so true.

Why can't we just get to a place in society where COMMON COURTESY is a normal, everyday practice?  We're so brainwashed in the urban community and most of the crap we preach about is all shit that divides us.

From the basics to the elites.

We stay judging one another and talking shit.  And yes, I'm talking shit right now, but my current hypocrite moment is irrelevant.  Listen to what the hell I'm saying.

How powerful would we all be if we actually started living in REALITY and taking things at FACE F***ING VALUE?!  

DAAAAAAAAAAAAAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!

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Sex Has Changed The Upper Hand...

My friend sent me this video that at first I wasn't sure if I wanted to watch because it was 10 minutes long (my ADD and fatigue were on full blast), but I was really glad I did.

YOU NEED TO SEE THIS THO!!!  There are so many factors to add to what they were trying to say in this video, but a lot of it is valid.

My question after watching it would be is this change RIGHT or WRONG?  One thing that is certain is that things will always evolve and change over time.  Is this a good example of the times we live in? (That last sentence I just said is clear proof that I'm getting OLD - only old people say "the times we live in").  Anywhoo...




I feel like in some ways, we should respect the changes and the way our freedoms have evolved, but I have one big question when it comes to the freedom of sex without commitment.

Are the lack of families helping us?  Do they hurt us?  Or does it matter?  Because throughout my years and meeting people that had an unstable family dynamic, I have always have heard from THEIR OWN MOUTH how not having a completion of family made things hard for them in terms of emotions and development.

Or is the relationship directly with the parent the only important factor?  I would say no because children are always going to observe and take notes about the way a parent treats other people and if that child sees negative behavior from the mother or father towards each other, what does that in itself communicate?

Are we all a product of our environment who have been influenced or do we instinctively have built in desires like companionship and belonging when it comes to having a mate?  Because you find more and more people who have personal issues with religious practices going completely against things like marriage being a sacred/respected obligation or practice.  But let's remove religion and talk biology.  We all get horny right?  Now whether it's heterosexual or homosexual you still desire another person right?  So what does it all mean?  Why do people get jealous?  Is that a societal condition that was subliminally instilled or can we all agree with the fact that most of us genuinely want love, companionship, and ultimately a significant other who we wouldn't want to share if we were GENUINELY ATTACHED TO THEM?  

Please talk to me on this one.  And keep in mind, I wrote this for everyone.  People who believe in marriage and family values, as well as ones who are open to all the possibilities.

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Name a Hollywood Couple Who You Believe is Faithful....

CAN ANYONE THINK OF A HOLLYWOOD MARRIAGE WHERE THEY HONESTLY BELIEVE THERE IS NO INFIDELITY???  SERIOUSLY, NAME ONE DAMMIT!!! I NEED TO HEAR THIS (LOL)

The only one I could think of off the top of my head would be Brad Pitt and Angelina or Denzel and his wife.  And I ONLY SAY THAT because they seem so genuinely attached in the public eye (or clean besides the whole Jenn Aniston situation in the beginning).

So when I think about Robin Thicke and Paula Patton, I (like everyone else) am not really shocked at the situation. Disappointed maybe, but not shocked.

But one thing I've always wondered is the mindset of most Hollywood couples and if many of them have a pact or understanding about people they may come across outside their relationship.  Or do any of them have a "don't ask, don't tell" policy?  Can that even exist when you have paparazzi times infinity nowadays with journalists on a large scale and bloggers from the highest and lowest of viewers? (Shoutout to DoodlebugDiaries.com and whoever that broad is writing for 'em).

But for real.  You have dudes that are complete and utter BUMS with a capital WTF who get booty without even asking for it or doing anything to get it.  So what the entire hell would a celebrity who makes nothing but child conceiving music do with all the scattered ass in the Hollywood world?  Seems like logic that most women would already be hip to the program.  Paula was married to Robin for nearly a decade (around the time he blew completely in 2005), but even before that he was doing production and writing/co-writing for Christina Aguilera and Brandy, etc.  - meaning, he was in that loop with all the various options of street booty.

I feel like, it's probably good that now Ms. Patton doesn't have to remain "PC" anymore about the fact that ol' boy was clearly channeling his inner Quagmire one too many times.

And that's where I feel like if it was flipped and Paula was the one with pics of someone squeezing her cakes, their relationship would've been over at LEAST a year ago.  Just saying.

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Your Mate Smells Like a Port-A-Potty. How Do You Talk To Them About It?

What do you do when your mate has an awful situation about them that you know you NEED to address...but you don't know how to go about talking to them on it?


Now, I'm not talking about you ignorant, blunt a**holes that can't WAIT for an opportunity to make your other half feel like sh*t because you really have another issue that you're avoiding so you're going to nitpick about small unimportant crap, thus prolonging your actual issue. ((catches breath)) Damn, that was a long sentence.

But you know.  I mean things like if your other half had a hygiene issue and it smelled like seafood shenanigans on the bottom floor of the body mansion.

OR

If you have a tagalong that is a dear relative or friend of your mate, and they won't go the hell home or stop mooching off the two of you or giving you privacy.

OR

If he keeps buying baggy condoms that look like a deflated balloon on his Jr. Jr. and you keep getting the bastard stuck inside of you because nobody will sit him down and supportively tell him to be proud and purchase some Lifestyle condoms and walk out of Walmart like a boss.  

OR

If he's 42 and is still trying to have you listen to that track he recorded in Ray Ray's basement telling you how many A&Rs from Sony Records he's talked to last week.

OR

If their breath smells like they've been spending the whole day taking deep breaths over public toilets.

OR

Maybe everyone but her notices the dried up line of wig glue to hold on her lacefront weave and no one had the testicular fortitude to approach her with words of wisdom, in the name of love to save her edges.

My point is Lovebugs...we all have issues.  No one is perfect, but the worst thing in the world is to have an alleged supportive cast that enable you to continue acts of WACKtivity (note the word) and they SEE IT and won't help you out.

Is it easy?!  NOOOOOO because I know even for myself, I'm an emotional person, so critiques of me are only taken well if I believe you actually give a sh*t about me.  

Friends don't let friends be wack kids.  That friend could also be your spouse, your sister or brother, your cousin, your ANYONE WHO KNOWS THE INTIMATE DETAILS OF YOUR LIFE.  

It's one thing to not know how to point out embarrassing small things, but talking about (and getting through) substantial things should define the power of your relationship.

If you genuinely care and see something that may hinder them or that takes away from them, you should let it be known unless it's truly overstepping something that would damage the integrity of your bond.

AND FOR YOU INSECURE FRIENDS THAT HOLD OUT ON MEMBERS OF YOUR CIRCLE, I HOPE A SQUIRREL SCRATCHES YOU AND GIVES YOU A TOUCH OF RABIES. 

OR AT LEAST SCARES THE SH*T OUT OF YOU.

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FRIENDS FOR LIFE! (EVEN THOUGH WE ARE MARRIED...)

FOR MY MARRIED LOVEBUGS AND LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIPS (QUESTION FOR YOU)

Do you believe you can have friends of the opposite sex as long as boundaries are respected within the friendship?  Or do you throw that friendship in the long-distance, I'll send you a postcard category out of respect for your mate?

I asked this because I get mixed reviews from people about whether friendships with taken members of the opposite sex (or your desired sex) is appropriate.

I'll get responses like:

"We can be friends and not cross any boundaries that would affect our intimate relationships"

OR

"HELL NO THEY CAN'T HAVE ANY DAMN FRIENDS, WHAT THE HELL DOES THIS LOOK LIKE?  DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE SHOW FRIENDS AND DO I LOOK LIKE JENNIFER "GOT THE SHORT END OF THE STICK" ANISTON?  (people under 25 are like, huh?) 

OR

They can be friends as long as I'm just as good of a friend to them as my mate.  (THIS ONE I CAN PROBABLY ROCK WITH THE MOST I GUESS)

Honestly, I personally know people who talk that bestie BS but secretly would jump at a moment's notice to whisk off into the sunset if the opportunity presented itself.  I'm not saying that all people who could go there would, but damn it,  I DON'T PLAY THAT SH**!!!!!!!!  

I couldn't even pretend like I would be remotely comfortable with an attractive woman talking about how much of a "friend" she is to my man.  I'd be like, "oh reeeeeaaaally?!"  Does this look like the movie, "Brown Sugar" to you biatch?!   I try to store some "chill" up for rainy days when people piss me off, but I promise if I had started as a snotty nose kid collecting chill, I STILL wouldn't have enough at 31 to stop me from being Daniel Son at the end of the first Karate Kid.  

The only way i'd be cool with this is if I'm not attached and if we're not exclusive.  

((Pauses for about 20 seconds))  NAAAAAAAAA...I'm lying.  I'm stingy regardless.  If you kiss me on the forehead, we go together...EFF THAT!!! 

AND I DON'T SHARE.  (smiles)

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Review of "Hell Hath No Fury Like A Woman Scorned" at Warner Theatre

So last night was Day 2 of the "Hell Hath No Fury Like A Woman Scorned" play showing at the Warner Theatre in Washington, DC.

Anddddd...

It was what you would expect (OBVIOUSLY) from Mr. Perry.  (I know, some of you love him...and others...not so much - but I'm assuming if you clicked on the damn blog post, you have some interest in him or the play sooooo ok!)

Patrice Lovely who played Hattie aka everybody's Mama, and she's also on the show "Love Thy Neighbor" was praying and poppin her butt cheeks at the same damn time.  She was hilarious tho.

Cheryl "Pepsii" Riley (Anita) did her thing too, but the gentleman playing her gold digging hubby?! (Ray Lavender as Victor)

((Warning: Ignorant Black Chick Moment))  GOOD GAWD WHY DOES TYLER PERRY TEMPETH ME WITH THESE MAN CANDY SHENANIGANS?!  -- THEN, he had a nerve to sing this song to Anita as he was convincing her to marry him.  I WILL have footage of this tomorrow (you know that uncontrollable Tourette's like twitch you get when the notes a singer hits is just THAT good?!) -- I needed a copy of his mixtape and if actors in plays don't have mixtapes, i'll be happy to stalk him like I do the Starbucks. ((Ignorant moment postponed for now))

One thing I DIDN'T like about the play was the fact that they only knew each other for a short period of time (a week) before they were tying the knot in Vegas.  I just felt like Tyler gets really over the top with detail that makes the plot non-believable at times.  I would have bought the storyline more if Victor was a dude she already knew and then the week long courtship would have seemed more life-like.  I guess I just don't have women in 2014 being that retarded to believe that this masculine creature of godliness would be so ready to settle down after one week to a middle-aged woman without there being a catch.  Not that middle-aged women can't pull 'em...don't shoot me or anything, but you know what the hell I'm saying.

You have money in the bank, so I would think you already have your checkbook pen full of ink for Cougar investments.  A man candy type guy at that?! Am I thinking too much into this?  If you saw my last post about being courted by a man's wallet, you would understand why I feel like most of the people in Anita's position would already be with the program and protective of her investments.  ((shrugs))

The most meaningful part (in my opinion) is this one thing that I can definitely say we all as God's children should take heed to.  Anita questioned God's presence in her life after she almost lost everything and the Pastor in the play said something that reinforced my own faith.

"The Devil wants you to focus on your circumstance, while God wants you to focus on HIS promise". The desires of our hearts.  When we go through things, we often come out of them smarter, better, more prepared for what is next to come.  Of course, some people have shorter times on Earth than others, but who is to say that the missing pieces to the puzzle aren't waiting for the next phase of life? (Anyway...not to go off topic)

WE SHOULD KNOW THAT OUR OBSTACLES ARE USUALLY STEPPING STONES OF THE PROCESS TO MAKE US BETTER.  I CAN PERSONALLY SAY THAT ALL OF THE TIMES I HAVE FALLEN, I LEARNED MANY THINGS THAT ADDED TO MY VALUE.

Of all my criticisms of Tyler Perry's material, one thing is for sure - I am eternally grateful for his punchlines.  They are inspiring and I believe there are so many people who benefit from being reminded of things that will help them to happily move forward.

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I Don't Know How To Say "NO"

 
Many people look at "nice" folks as pushovers.  To be kind is almost a turnoff in society because it communicates weakness or neediness.

Most of the time I'm ranting about nice guys that aren't confident, but I'll leave you delicate bastards alone today.  I'm really directing the spotlight to myself on this one.  One problem I've always had with people in general is that I give off a very friendly vibe early in the game of our connection (friendship, professional or romantic), then I'm forced to re-introduce myself in the event that they don't realize that my gangsta is not to be slept on in these streets. (It's a true story, don't laugh).

In general, I'll share with all you folk who care so deeply for a sista (rolls eyes) that I truly have a hard time saying the word, "NO".  It's something that I've struggled with over the years - not because I don't have a backbone, but more because I genuinely care about people and I always try to find a "win-win" scenario with folks.

But failing to say "no" can open up a can of worms simply for not keeping it 100 in the situation.

At 31 years old, I've learned that's not realistic for life, OR for what I often feel deep down.

So I figured I'd shed some light for people that have a similar problem to me you know? (And for folk that want to say I'm not nice, kiss my ass, you're probably annoying and I'm getting better with dealing with people that annoy the black off my skin.)

1) Realize that an early no beats out a BS, dragged out version of a "maybe, I'm not sure" any day of the week.
People might not like hearing the word "no", but it only gets harder the longer you hold out on the inevitable.

2) Don't give a 3-hour speech explaining why you can't do something.
You might as well went for Door Number Doormat with this approach.  You just look weak and afraid to piss somebody off.

3) Be firm about it, but don't sound defensive.
People need to know that you mean what you say, but there's a balance between being serious and asking for an argument.  Sometimes when we make up in our mind how a person will react to us, we will automatically start acting in relation to our thoughts instead of reality.  Give the person a chance to respond to your answer.


I had to check myself on this subject honestly - if I could go back in a time machine to situations where I should have hit a flat out no I definitely would, but I just remind myself that I'm not perfect.  You live, you learn, you keep it moving.

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You Are Not Courting Me Sir...Your Wallet Is.

It's a sad day in the United States of Niggadom when you have a man who has everything to offer you financially, but in the personality department he makes you want to Hail Mary your entire body over a high balcony.  The survival probability of that sounds more tempting than being subjected to a limited connection.

Take this one guy for example.  He was a great cook, had the house all laid out and impressively designed.  Money was no object and clearly all I had to do was let go and have his bank account take care of the rest.  But wait...

Is that all I'm good for?  An arm piece?  A prop?  I mean, I'm damn sure no Drunk In Love Beyonce' with the wet dog hair (bite me Bey Hive, her hair was wack on the Grammys), but I felt like my purpose was pretty drawn out.  The thing was...the dude was ready to make me his lady without checking my rap sheet, my LadyFax, my background, and probably didn't even know my last name without having to check it on Facebook.

So it was obvious he wanted someone to fill a position, a slot and I was in his radar at that particular time.  I could have been absolutely ANYONE that looked halfway decent in an evening gown to stunt for colleagues and clients.  And for many women, his money would have been more than enough to fake it 'til we make it.

Not La Doodlebug tho.

First of all, I love money like everyone else.  But one of the reasons I like money is that it opens the doors of things that I could do for and with people I actually care about.  There are freedoms that money can't buy, but there are also some that an American Express will gladly take care of.  Personally, my acting skills aren't gangsta enough to pull off faking an intimate connection with a person I didn't find appealing.  And for real, I might have ended up feeling the dude if we had taken more time to connect as opposed to his proposition of making me his woman at the drop of a hat.

And I like spontaneity, especially in a man, but damn dawg...we barely have any real convo and somehow I'm supposed to be convinced that you're the one.  Only real thing that's a match made in heaven is my bucket list to visit Dubai and your bank statement showing my ticket there is paid in full.

But I'm just not built like that.  He got pretty pissed off at the fact that I wanted to slow things down a taste. See how genuinely interested he was in me??? ((rolls eyes while daydreaming of slapping him with a resistance belt from the gym))

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