When Your Other Half Has The Family From Hell

I know a whole lot of somebodies who have either gone through this tragedy or who must face this harsh reality on a daily basis.

Now, the more committed you are in a relationship, the more you become attached to all the details that come with the person you're with.  And part of that attachment involves the ones that mean the most to the person you're with.

BUT WHAT THE HELL DO YOU DO WHEN THESE FOLK ACT LIKE RASPUTIA, MIXED WITH MADEA, MIXED WITH BRUH MAN FROM THE FIFTH FLOOR, MIXED WITH RODNEY (AKA SNOOP DOGG'S CHARACTER IN BABY BOY), MIXED WITH SWEET BROWN, MIXED WITH "WTF am I going to do w/ all these ni***s?"

Some people just become champions of the avoidance game and stay clear of dealing with them, but what if your other half gets pissed about the space you create?

I was dating a guy for a short time (four months or so), and before I grouped him in with his crazy ass family I came to a cookout they were having.  I promise on everything I love, it was like some shit out of "Don't Be A Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice In The Hood".  First of all, between all his siblings, they have like 20 kids and hell no I'm not exaggerating.  So these monster midgets were around the house being kids and that was cool, until I saw that they were around all kinds of herbal essences, alcohol, talk about sex, somebody had on a movie they shouldn't be watching, and I think I saw one of the little 4 year olds parallel parking the neighborhood ice cream truck.  And the final straw was my friend's mom's angry ass boyfriend who was high off something you'd find in the auto shop yelling about everybody respecting him and his wife (that he never actually married) in his house that he pays no bills for.

Oldest sister (I can't make this shit up...well, maybe I can, but my mind isn't this ratchet, I promise) was downstairs having sex with her boyfriend and the mom decides to make a public service announcement about not going downstairs to disturb them and they would be up shortly.

So I don't know if y'all are wondering how fast I hauled ass out of there, but i'll just say my mind was stuck on the fact that this connection we had probably wasn't going to last.  Someone who had the balls to bring anyone besides Felicia from Friday into that bullshit was probably going to be about that same life after he got a little more comfortable.

But what do you do when you're already married?  It's a little easier to cut your losses when you're in the earlier stages of the love connection, but what if there's a family member who's homeless and on drugs?  Or is always getting into drama with their boyfriend/girlfriend or the police?

I feel like, the only way to compromise in a situation like this is to set CLEAR boundaries about whoever you're dealing with.  It needs to be established what your level of comfort is in the situation so all parties can agree on how to handle everything.  Situations like this can cause a great deal of conflict, but it won't go away by avoiding it.

Whoever may be in a situation like this, GOOD LUCK TO YOU because La Doodle chucked the deuces.  I was OOOOOUTTTTTTTT.  I might have stuck around with him if the apple wasn't growing from the same tree, but honestly I get gas whenever I think about it so yeah, I'm done with this story.

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Robin Thicke's Apology to Paula On Stage...Should She Take Him Back?

So, Mr. Thicke was out performing around my neck of the woods (Northern VA) to perform and dedicate his songs to his newly made ex, Paula Patton.  He appears to be pulling all the stops in an effort to win back her affection.

I don't know how sincere of an apology this is obviously (meaning, if there would be change if they worked out their marriage) but I can definitely respect the fact that he's admitting his wrong like a man.  

Do I think it takes back the VMA performance or him attending to his groupie population?  Of course not but the least he could do is let everyone know he realizes he's a jackass.

I think because in my past I dealt with people in general who would do you wrong and then get mad at you for being upset about it, I get soft on apologies easily.  Call it a personality flaw.

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Biggest Mood Killers In The Bedroom

Laziness in bed - Like, why even bother if you're going to act like it's pulling teeth trying to do it?  I get the fact that you're tired, your head hurts, people pissed you off at work, your back feels like somebody did a black belt ninja kick to the lower region (shout out to my "old lady back" crew), but when you make a half assed effort in bed, that's the biggest part of what your mate sees AND remembers.  Enthusiasm is mostly communicated through your body language and is MORE THAN 1/2 the battle.


Gas -  Ewww.  That's all I have to say.  It's one thing to break one loose around your mate because you're comfy and you should be.  But when we're getting intimate?!  Like, REALLY?!  For real?!
I believe there are actually some people who believe this is "cute" or "adorable" to fart or "poot" randomly.  PLEEEEAAAASSSEEEE don't do this while you're trying to create a sexy moment with your other half.  Rotten booty asses.


Wack Ass Music -  I'll speak to the men on this one.  I believe that some of you will have the proper sense to actually play something slow and sensual for your lady - get your "love, talk, and slow jams" vibe going right.  THEN, some of you will play E-40 or Lil' Boosie.  If you are with a woman who is cool with riding the rodeo to those bastards, you both deserve to be deprived of a productive orgasm. Yes, I'm judging.


Lock The Door If You Have Kids -   Don't traumatize the babies, PLEASE.  And more importantly, try to plan ahead to give them quality time before you lay them down.  This is when them having a bed schedule counts the most outside of school because there is nothing worse than having to contain juices and explain looking like you got in a fight when you go to check on your 5 year old.  If they're a baby...just hang in there, all parents know your struggle.


Feeling Stressed Out -   Try to cure this problem by giving each other massages.  USE some type of attractive-smelling lotions or oils for the aromatherapy effect.  Start out slow so you can gradually and naturally build up excitement and intimacy.  DEFINITELY ask questions during this time and allow the stressed party to vent.  Make them say it in a soft voice too.


Being Too Tired -   The older you get, the more this becomes a factor.  Trying to juggle so much and not leaving room in your schedule for that intimate exchange is recipe for an awful experience.  Try to consider your mate - ESPECIALLY THE FELLAS!  You may be alright, but seriously think about this sometimes.  Lack of sleep affects your man candy too.


Too Much To Drink - Aside from the fact that you could throw up on me and get a potential elbow to the esophagus, I never understood why people drink to become vegetables.  I thought the whole point was to unwind?  Some of you all use the bottle as an excuse to die and resurrect as the Zombie Apocalypse and think someone wants to lay the smack in bed after that?  If you're in a committed marriage or relationship and the person wants to please you, sure.  But they probably won't enjoy satisfying your whino looking ass.


Ticking Time Bombs -  Okay Sugafoot...Poor baby.   We all know our bodies and sometimes we know we could finish before the party even gets started.  If you know you're backed up or can feel the potential eruption in your panties/boxers...you should consider masturbating beforehand.
Now, for the ones who like to reserve their initial orgasm as the "most powerful one" because you get somewhat numb or lose your drive afterward, either give yourself enough time before you get in bed or prepare to compensate your partner in other ways.  ((snort laughs))


Sex Toys -  Ladies, make sure you and your man are on the same page with this.  He might not be game for everything you may have in your night stand arsenal.


Porn -  Gents, make sure you know she's cool with this as well.  Reassure her if she's apprehensive.  Some women like porn and some don't.  If you care about who you're about to give it to (hopefully you do dammit), just make sure she's comfortable and in a good space.  When she is, the sex will be much better for you both.


Getting Yours and We're Done -  There's a special place in hell for you bastards.  If you're trying to figure out why your other half may not be so quick to jump in the sack for some action, think about if you're giving them a reason to keep coming back for more.  We have a LOT of people in the world who stay in their own bubble and are so consumed with their own needs and wants that they forget to leave a lasting impression.  This is valid for people whether you are MARRIED, DATING, OR SINGLE.

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GLADIATORS UNITE!!! (DISCLAIMER TO THE SCANDAL HATERS)

AND FELLAS,

BEFORE YOU GO WITH THE SIDE CHICK TALK AGAIN, I'LL SAY THIS:

UNLESS YOU WERE MAKING FUN OF SARAH JESSICA PARKER AND KIM CATTRALL OF SEX AND THE CITY FOR MESSING AROUND WITH MARRIED MEN AMONG THE OTHER THOUSANDS THEIR CHARACTERS HAD ON THE SHOW, HAVE SEVERAL UNCOMFORTABLE SEATS AND SHUT THE HELL UP ABOUT KERRY WASHINGTON COLLECTING HER PAYCHECK.  THE DOUBLE STANDARDS IN LIFE ARE SO REAL.

PEOPLE DON'T EVEN REALIZE HOW IGNORANT THEY ARE ABOUT THIS TOPIC.  SO OTHER ACTRESSES GET A PASS FOR ANY CHARACTER THEY PLAY, BUT NOT KERRY!  SHE BETTER BE CLAIR HUXTABLE - (SIDE NOTE: HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW PHYLICIA RASHAD WAS IN REAL LIFE?!  IT WOULD BE SO FUNNY IF SHE SLEPT AROUND BACK IN THE DAY, BUT I WONT SHADE MAMA HUXTABLE...I LOVE HER LONG TIME).

BLACK WOMEN WILL NEVER WIN WITH SOME OF YOU MISERABLE FOLK THOUGH.

ANYWAY...LET'S GO LADIES AND GENTS!!!


((POPCORN WILL BE IN THE DAMN MICROWAVE!!!)

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"Don't Publicly Disrespect Me"

Can we all agree to say that this is the ultimate form of betrayal?

According to TMZ, Paula Patton was reported to have been at the height of embarrassment by husband Robin Thicke's performance w/ Miley Cyrus last year at the VMAs. Apparently everything went downhill from there with constant arguing and Robin being seen with other women at various clubs.  Obviously most of us knew she would be pissed, but she finally admitted to the root of where the problem began.

Does the disrespect become worse when it's public?  I know some people who LIVE BY handling their business behind closed doors - which I agree, but does it become an unforgivable violation when the whole world gets to see your spouse practically cheating on you?

Is there anyone who believes what he did should NOT be considered cheating?  Just wondering...

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Melanie Fiona: "Don't Settle For Less Just To Be In A Relationship"

Necole Bitchie had a "Girl Talk Chat" with 30-year-old Melane Fiona who talked about her recent break up with Adam Rodriguez (that edible-looking Hispanic dude from CSI Miami).

Madame Noire covered this story as well and quoted her on the smartest method to part ways when you break up with your man.

"Remaining calm is generally the best way to approach the situation".  It's so easy to fly off the handle and throw stuff outside, burn stuff, but there is nothing good that comes from that.  There's more strength and power in remaining calm because you've done the work to know what is for you and what is not for you."

I feel like, this situation is always two-fold in my eyes.  Most people will try to play the, "I have no f*cks to give" approach in many break up situations because most people try to save face and look unaffected.  OR, you might actually see the volcano erupting depending on who you're dealing with.

Ms. Fiona's mentality (IMO) is honestly the best mindset to have in a situation that will undoubtedly test your levels of chill.  Especially if there was cheating or lying involved.

But it's definitely more important for you to be okay on the INSIDE.  And the best thing that can help you remain cool during a rough split would be to have the right people around you (aka a DOPE SUPPORT SYSTEM).

Don't start talking to your bitter friends that can't wait for drama to pop off so they can get animated about telling you what you should do - even though all of their advice has NEVER worked in their own situation.

You need to be around the people who will push you to keep moving, to do better, and to vent, but to ultimately let it go and move on.

Most importantly, don't short change yourself.  There are a TON of people who have filed for divorce because they married for all the wrong reasons.  There are also people who married because they were trying to prove something.  Who (exactly) are you proving anything to?  Do you get full off of what these people eat?  Do they pay your electric bill and if they do can you tell them to take a crack at mine real quick?!  After all, behind closed doors, THAT will be the person you have to co-exist and go through this thing called life with.

That brings me into my next topic about women who feel they have "earned a ring".  Oh yes dammit, let's explore this shit.  (Look, I cursed.)

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How To Tell If A Man Is NOT Into You....

The fact of the matter is, there are too many women who play themselves dealing with guys who could give two damns about anything going on with you beyond the treasure chest between your legs.

So I've compiled a thoughtful list from the male side of my Doodle Family that illustrates a man who could take you or leave you:

1. There is no consistency in communication.

2. If the girl initiates the communication like texting, there is a huge delay in the response. Or if its via phone, he says 'let me call you back' frequently.

3. They both talk about the same subjects all the time, and he never talks to her about anything that requires feelings/emotions.

4. He gives her little to no eye contact when they are face to face.

5. He does not compliment her. If he does, it's rarely and definitely not consistent.

6. He is only affectionate in PRIVATE with you. PUBLIC affection is slim to none.

7. You barely know anyone who he is close to (i.e. friends, parents, siblings, etc.)

8. He cancels plans very easily with you (if he makes them at all) - you are more on HIS schedule than a mutual collaboration.

9. Your rendez-vous are usually more convenient for him than for you.

10. He doesn't remember anything significant that relates to the two of you.

The fact is, a man will always provide all the signs to see where his head is. It's up to you to get hip. If there is a question of what he's thinking, it's probably because he's not thinking much of you. Fellas, let me know if I left out anything.

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Advice from A Guy Who Gets Laid Every Night (Mature Content)

DISCLAIMER:  I HAVE FRIENDS IN MY DOODLE WORLD.  I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO ROB AKA CRAZYBUG.  (I JUST MADE THAT UP...HE'LL LOVE THE NICKNAME, I'M SURE.)  ANYWAY, THIS IS WHAT HE HAS TO SAY ABOUT MEN WHO TAKE THE GENTLEMAN APPROACH TO FINDING A LADY.  HIS WORDS, NOT MINE...BUT THAT'S MY NINJA 5000.  ALRIGHTY?!  ALRIGHTY.  LET'S GO.

Dear Mr. Nice guy,

First, allow me to reintroduce myself. My name is Rob. R to the ob. I used to move snowflakes with a shovel when it snowed in New Jersey. Second, fuck you for rolling your eyes at my intro; that shit was clever. Thirdly, I’m a natural born hater, and I think that your beta male mentality is fucking pathetic.

Let us begin…

Sir, you do realize that nice guys always finish last? That putting yourself in the homegirl/homeboy situation will always get you second runner up? You must be one of those super faithful guys who sends “good morning beautiful” text messages to every cute bitch you meet. That shit is played out son. Stop it. I remember fucking this girl and she got six good morning text from six different dudes. Six texts! She’s gargling my balls while you assholes are sending her a “good morning beautiful” text with the kissie face emoticon. Ugh. You make me sick. And I feel sorry for you because I was just like you.

Yes, a younger Rob was a nice guy. I wasn’t always the strapping bearded lad who had his way with the ladies. Nope, I once believed that chivalry was the best way and man whores were evil. I bought flowers, took chicks on dates, wrote poems, etcetera etcetera. I did all that Drake shit and thought it would work. But more often than not, I found myself holding my dick after a date or a night out at the club.

Why? Because I was corny. Because I didn’t engage their vaginas. Because I thought that saying all the right things would get me somewhere.

“But Rob, I got a gang of bitches I hang with. Suzy with the fat ass. Shanel with the perfect figure. I got pictures with these girls all on my Instagram and Facebook.” Cool. Real cool. Nothing wrong with having female friends playa. But real quick? How many text do you get at 11 pm that say “Gimme the dick?” None. (Quick note. Fuck you for thinking that fat/ugly chicks counts. They’re always available. To everyone.)

See, I’m not advocating that you do anything but be yourself. But there must come a time when enough is enough. Are you not a man? Be a man! Conquer that pussy! Make her want you! I remember asking a number of women “Why aren’t we fucking? Pure and simple. What makes you want that asshole and not me?” Truth be told, they thought I was too safe. Too comfortable. Too boring. I was squeaky clean on paper and did everything right, but not giving them any reason to drop the drawls. Even worse, when I eventually did get some cootch after weeks of waiting, it was a 15 minute romp and she never called me again.

I wasn’t sexy and I didn’t stimulate women to want me.

Being sexy and being attractive are entirely different things. And it isn’t physical at all. Can you command her inner freak with words? When you tell jokes, are they flirtatious and intelligent with slight double entendres? Do you even tell jokes? Comedy and liquor are the quickest ways to having sex. Hell, comedy and liquor are the quickest ways out the friend zone. Tease her ever so slightly and she’ll give you that playful “Stop it!” with a grin and a shove. Then she’ll fix her hair and look at you with her beautiful brown eyes and think “I want his penis.”

Being sexy is wearing your button up and jeans with confidence. Roll up a sleeve and add a cheap watch and a bracelet. Stay away from a fucking blazer and jeans. You don’t stand out. Stop it. Wear a cheesy t-shirt from Spencer’s and dare her to be offended. And when she asks you what you do for a living, give a cool but crazy answer; “I’m a professional athlete who’s never played for a sports team. In the meantime, I make cat porn in my mother’s basement. What do you do?” Are you lying? I sure hope so. But that shit is interesting. Be interesting. Exude interesting. Be the penis she wants. Fuck her brain you moron.

Mr. Nice Guy, it is your duty to please that booty. Don’t be a creep, but be a creep. Don’t be an asshole, but be an asshole. Make her want you. She should go home and think “man, that guy was the shit.” Every non platonic female interaction you have should leave her thinking about you. Wanting you. You need to be the envy of all without even trying.

I’m rooting for you man. I hung up my player card and I’m passing my wisdom and knowledge to the younger generations. I know that you can do it. Call that broad up and tell her to meet you at a museum.  Bitches love museums. And when you get there, change plans and watch a hockey game followed by bar hopping at different strip clubs. Trust me, it works. Shit is interesting and fuck you for disagreeing. I’m getting my dick licked tonight. You think that hookah lounge date is going to get your dick licked? Didn’t think so.

With hatred and love,

Rob

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Signs A Woman Is GENUINELY Interested In You

Because I think some people get this confused on a regular basis -  I know women do too, but both are equally annoying.

I truly understand the fact that many men would love for women to be more forward in 2014 (it's just a different day and time for some who don't want to guess what the woman is thinking), but since you can't always read her mind or get her to come to you, you should at least know the SIGNS.
1) SHE STALKS YOU ON FACEBOOK OFTEN -
You usually know when she mentions something about your activity or maybe a comment she questions you about.

2) HER JEALOUSY COMES OUT -
Most women that are genuinely interested in you will show her disapproval when someone else appears to be lurking.  And definitely if you are entertaining them.  This will likely come out in the form of questions or smart a** comments.

3) SHE STAYS IN KISSING DISTANCE OFTEN -
Most women that want you will give you both the opportunity to create that aura of intimacy.  If she's distant, it probably means she'd prefer it that way.

4) SHE STARTS TO SAY THINGS YOU SAY -
A woman that starts to mirror your language and mannerisms is someone who probably wants to get closer to you (or already feels close to you) in the back of her mind.

5) YOU RARELY CATCH HER SLIPPING -
A woman should definitely feel comfortable in her skin around you, we all know this. But if you can tell she always smells nice and looks edible around you...I would bank on the fact that she's doing this on purpose to heighten your attraction for her.

6) SHE WILL TRY TO DO DOMESTIC THINGS FOR YOU -
A woman wants to show her tender, caring side to a man she's feeling attached to.  And while there are some women who give boyfriend/husband benefits to anyone...there are those women who reserve that special treatment for a man she is into.  She will also boast her skills (if she has them lol) in the earlier phases of interest.

7) SHE LAUGHS AT YOUR STUPID JOKES -
A woman who wants you will always receive your attempts at connecting with her with open arms.  That simple.

8) SHE IS EASY TO FIND -
If you have to put out the SWAT Team, Police dogs, smoke signals, and holla at Olivia Pope to find a woman you're into, I'm willing to bet the bank on the fact that she's not trying to be found.  At all.  It's one thing if she's genuinely busy and apologizes but a woman will rarely disappear on a man she wants a deeper connection with.




(I'M POSTING THE MEN NEXT....)

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You THINK I Want You, or You KNOW I Want You?

When you're nice and people take it for more than just common courtesy.

Fellas, you guys are NOT the only ones who have this issue.  I've found myself in a situation before where someone assumed that because I opened my mouth to utter syllables that resulted in a sentence, that it obviously meant I was checking for them.  ((Family Feud Buzzer sound))  Negative champ.

I truly don't understand why things can't just be face value with some people.   Did I SAY I wanted you?!  Did I compliment the globe like structure of your cranium cavity?  Or maybe the slope shape forehead view I have whenever I catch you at a sideways angle?  ((cue the video please))

Anywhoo...

You can call me a jerk that's fine, but women are sick of men that think they're God's Gift just like men get tired of women who are always acting like a man who acknowledges their presence wants to get with them.

Honestly, I blame you sneaky bastards though.  If it wasn't for so many people who live the creep life and have to ease their way into dealing with a person (because being STRAIGHT THE F*** UP IS OBVIOUSLY A 1995 TYPE OF THING), we could just have cordial connections without all the extra nonsense.

Yep, we live in the days of Catfish on MTV and BlackPeopleBEAT.com (meet my ass)

(Can you tell I'm a tad perturbed by this BS?!)

If I'm nice to you, THAT DOES NOT MEAN ANYTHING BESIDES THE FACT THAT WE ARE COOL AND I HAVE HOME TRAINING!!!  MMMM...KAY?!?!

When I was in my twenties, I definitely didn't understand that people can't read minds and you have to enunciate your vowels when you want to be on the same page with someone.  But now that I'm older, I lose my mind when I come across people that assume stuff without sufficient evidence.

You don't know what the hell I'm thinking.  Chances are if you're in the position of not knowing what's on my mind it's probably because the f**ks I give about you knowing are slim to none.  

Damn that was mean.  But so true.

Why can't we just get to a place in society where COMMON COURTESY is a normal, everyday practice?  We're so brainwashed in the urban community and most of the crap we preach about is all shit that divides us.

From the basics to the elites.

We stay judging one another and talking shit.  And yes, I'm talking shit right now, but my current hypocrite moment is irrelevant.  Listen to what the hell I'm saying.

How powerful would we all be if we actually started living in REALITY and taking things at FACE F***ING VALUE?!  

DAAAAAAAAAAAAAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!

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