So Do You Choose the Friend Zone, or Settle?

It's crazy to me how I'll see all these memes talking about how women "friend zone" "Mr. Right", but then you'll see the same people talk about how women shouldn't settle for anything less than the best when it comes to who you put your time and energy into.

Now, me being a black woman and all, I already know how our input gets received on this topic and it's very unfair to say the least.

There are many women who accept bullshit from an awful guy just because the sex is good, or she can't get over him, or for her own weaknesses that keep her stagnate.

I was that girl I won't lie, but much of the problem with this whole argument is the fact that people get the VILLAIN TITLE so quickly from speculators, but don't know the whole story - then these people are labeled "bad guy" or "basic chick".  For example, women who vent to their friends about their relationship issues, and now the friend hates her boyfriend and continues to hate him long after the couple has humped and made up.  The friend doesn't know both sides of the story, so she assumes her friend is settling for a jerk.  And more often than not, it's usually these assumptions that are the story more than a female who won't stop dating "Pookie's" ass.  I'm not speaking about a woman who is accepting abuse. But even that woman needs counseling, not judgment and ridicule for her lack of understanding or outlet.

Men constantly judge women for remaining friends with a guy who she only sees in a platonic light, but what if she gave him a chance only to feel a void within her relationship or marriage?  What happens if she comes across someone she has more COMPATIBILITY with?  She can't win either way with people because honestly the right thing should have begun with the woman being true to herself and her genuine feelings.

PEOPLE HAVE PREFERENCES.  EVERYONE.  MEN AND WOMEN OF ALL RACES. HOWEVER, BLACK WOMEN ARE THE MAIN ONES WHO ARE SCRUTINIZED WHEN THEY EXPRESS THEIRS.  HOW UNFORTUNATE.

You can't fake an attraction.  You can cope with a few shots of Ciroc or a joint if that's your thing, but ultimately, something about what you don't feel will begin to tell on itself.

FACT:  BLACK WOMEN WHO SELECT ASSHOLES TO BE WITH ARE NOT THE CAUSE OF 70% OF BLACK MOTHERS BEING UNWED.  THIS IS NOT THE ROOT OF THE PROBLEM.  THE PROBLEM IS THAT THE OVERALL MINDSET IN THE BLACK COMMUNITY IS FUCKED AND HAS BEEN FOR CENTURIES.  AND ONE OF THE MINDSETS HAVE TO DO WITH MEN AND WOMEN TURNING AGAINST ONE ANOTHER.

I didn't even mean to get all heavy on em' with those actual market research statistics, but I get sick of people not looking at the entire picture and understanding where many problems stem from.  Black women have so many disadvantages in society when it comes to how we are viewed, but the saddest part is the judgment we get from our own kind. ESPECIALLY BLACK MEN!  A few Shenay-nay's out there and now all black women have to kill themselves to look like a regular decent person who is worthy of a fair selection of a significant other.

CONFIDENCE is usually what a woman craves in a man.  Not his womanizing ability or if he's a dope chauvinist.   A woman will tend to gravitate more towards a man that she sees is desired but wait, don't men do that too???  Could have sworn they did (shrugs).  It's just like a popular product, or restaurant, or whatever.  There's usually something appealing about that thing that may give it more attention or fans.

But more than any of these shallow things, it's about a real CONNECTION.  And connections are important.  What's the chemistry like?  Is it there or is it being forced? How could you consider being with a person you don't naturally desire?  Especially if they haven't grown on you yet?  And yes, some people could grow on you, but what if they don't? Does a "nice guy" automatically equal "great catch" or make the woman obligated to dig further?  And what the hell is a nice guy anyway?  Some guys only call themselves nice because they're too scared to act the way a more confident man would.  Some shy ass dudes want to do the same thing they would see an "asshole" do, but they're too much of a punk to execute.

That's why the whole ridicule of the nice guy epidemic is bullshit to me.  There's no reason to complain about a woman who can't see a decent guy for how great he is, it just means she's not the one for you.  Women that complain about no decent men get told this everyday.  It's the same shit.  So shut the hell up already LOL...







I will continue to preach this because humans are what they are and like what they like.

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THIS is Why You Cheated.

I'm tired of people cheating in relationships when they put themselves in a situation to cheat in the first damn place.  

Oh, you probably don't understand what I mean.  

What I'm saying is....some people are greedy and want to "dip and dab" with anyone who is easy on the eyes.  There's no changing those selfish bastards. BUT...some people link up with a person who they know damn well they only feel LUKE WARM about and then cop an attitude because they feel "blah" about the person.  Then someone else comes around that does one of these to your underroos: 

and then you find yourself into a marriage and/or living situation with this person you feel like slapping with a brick because they weren't the one for you -- and you knew it all along.  

One thing I know is that most of us don't want to be alone.  Even the ones who are single know deep down they would rather have someone to come home to but would rather protect their egos and save face about what they really feel.  I know that isn't everyone, but I hated it personally. 

You cannot force yourself to feel things for someone that don't come natural in terms of attraction.  It’s either there or it’s not.  I will say that I have dated a few people that I “liked” but I really wasn't doing any mental or emotional backflips for them.  Even one guy I dated that fit my personal prototype of a "good catch" (basketball player physique, gorgeous face, independent)  didn't give me butterflies at the end of the day.  I just didn't "connect" with him.  And sometimes we connect with someone, but they were only meant to be a friend.  


I can honestly say that one guy I dated for about 6 months was a perfect example of this.  He pursued me nonstop and although I showed interest for a short period of time, when I realized he wasn't my type, I tried to decrease communication and the guy wasn't having it.  He attempted to pursue me harder until I gave in.  For a split second, I admired his persistence and gave him a chance.  But you can't date a person out of obligation or pity, or compensation for loneliness.  At the end of the day, it won't work out because your real feelings (or lack thereof) will tell on itself.  


And what if I married him?  There are PLENTY of people who marry the "maybe men" and women.  


IF YOU GO INTO A RELATIONSHIP TRYING TO BE WITH SOMEONE FOR ANY OTHER REASON THAN YOU HONESTLY WANTING TO BE WITH THAT PERSON AND BUILD WITH THEM...THE RELATIONSHIP IS DOOMED FROM THE START.  


You CANNOT hold together a relationship because you had children together, or you can't find someone better, or the sex is good, or you want to fit in with your married friends, or any other asinine excuse.  It has to come from a genuine place.  


None of us are perfect, we usually mess this relationship thing up once or twice, or maybe many times.  BUT, understanding that a true connection is needed and understanding that you NEED TO KNOW WHAT YOU WANT IN A MATE is of essential importance so you can let your mate (or potential mate) know what makes you happy.  


Don't cheat on Mr. or Ms. Lukewarm when you could've been with that person that makes your heart do the Love Olympics.  (I'm corny I know...whatever, you get my point).

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THIS IS THE PERSON YOU SHOULD NEVER GET ADVICE FROM

You should always consider the source when you take advice from someone.  Many times (especially within the lady population) we will vent to our girlfriends about our lives and try to make ourselves feel better about a situation - after all, it is healthy to vent rather than holding in emotions.  I don't believe the story ever ends well for a person that doesn't ever express their emotions.  BUT, the problem is when we vent to certain people, we often end up with advice that puts us in a really unhealthy frame of mind.  And why is that?  It's because emotions are there and it does not allow advice to be given from an OBJECTIVE and clean slate.

Take Kim and Nancy for example.  Kim is going through problems with her boyfriend.  Nancy is unhappily single and really upset that she never gets to hang out with Kim because  Kim is usually with her man.  Nancy's bitterness (that she will never admit to having) will cause her to give Kim the advice from hell and basically tell her f*ck her boyfriend for doing anything besides being perfect.  Now, if Nancy was being a good friend, she would try her hardest to remove her own personal feelings out of the equation to say what is best for her friend but unfortunately, there are TONS of people out there who would look out for their own interests.  Or, they are ignorant of what the "right thing to do" really is because they can't even get their own personal lives together.

Which reminds me, if you are getting advice from a person whose love life is more screwed up than you, you might want to rethink your judgment and put down that 4th bottle of Corona.  

Misery definitely loves company and even though it may not be Nancy's intention to make Kim unhappy, she will definitely serve her own agenda if it means she can count on Kim to be more available for "girlfriend" time she wasn't getting before.

It doesn't matter if this person knows you more than anyone or if they are family...or "family".  Sometimes these are the very people who don't want you to "do better" because they have a void within themselves.  I'm not saying that you should say eff their face and write them off, but you should definitely find a "Plan B" when you're in a venting mood.

You have to remember that when you kiss and make up with your better half, the audience you had for your venting party will still have the vaseline and boxing gloves with Michael Buffer on speed dial to announce the fighting match with his signature million dollar voice.

Bitter friends are still your friends, but they are NEVER the ones to get advice from.  NEVER EVER. Unless you want to proudly earn your Bitter Birdie membership trophy.

Harsh I know, but true.

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Pointers for Dealing w/ an A**hole

When you are in a situation where you are directly addressing an a**hole, there are many things you can do that will immediately place you on their level.

I REPEAT...

When you are in a situation where you are directly addressing an a**hole, there are many things you can do that will immediately place you on their level.

"Knuckle Sandwich Approach"

Alright kids, now I understand that watching the infamous buffet of designer label hoodrats (aka Basketball Wives) may subliminally influence you to stir up a blackeye salad.  Understand that even taking your mind there is bad for your overall mood and mindset.  This will automatically raise your blood pressure and I'm tired of seeing pharmacies in bedrooms from people that needed a nice dosage of woo-sah in their diet.  Seriously.  

"Yes, I'm Judging You" Face

I have a best friend that is worse at this whole situation than I am - which is pretty bad because there are many people like us that can't do the Poker Face hustle.  It just won't work.  HOWEVER, you are automatically making the exchange more long and drawn out by responding this way.  If you want to keep the convo with the a**hole short and sweet, just chill and focus on ending the encounter rather than escalating it to the "Knuckle Sandwich Approach".

"F You and Your S---" Approach

Um...yeah so the whole vandalism thing.  I would HIGHLY suggest going to the dollar store and buying about 5-10 dollars worth of cheap glasses and dishes and go to town breaking them in an abandoned parking lot with a loved one.  A punching bag would be the next best thing.  Be sure to adhere to the littering and loitering notices at said park and/or parking lot.  We have to be strategic about our tantrums folks.  Let's not be sloppy and get hit w/ an expensive citation.

"You're Going to Go Deaf When I'm Done w/ You" Approach

We all know the whole expression, "Don't argue with a fool because they will bring you down to their level and beat you with experience" - meaning, you will kick yourself after the fact for wasting your time and precious oxygen.  Pay close attention to the person you decide to blackout (aka - yell uncontrollably) with.  If they are calm and collected while you're doing sign language for kickboxers, you might want to tune into your inner yoga and pretzel your legs along with your tongue.  You will always make a stronger point delivering it in a calm fashion.

The most important thing to remember when dealing with an a**hole is that you can easily frustrate your whole day, week, month (you get the picture) by giving them too much of your mental space.  You have to pick and choose your battles wisely and decide if it's really worth the migrane, hangover, or any other result of your stress.  It really does take two to argue, fight, and tango.  Having the last "word" should only be important when you're a kid.  Seriously.

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10 KEY DEAL BREAKERS IN DATING SOMEONE....

PAYING FOR THE DATE.  - I remember a guy I was dating for a hot second took me out a few times then hit me with a question that caught me off-guard.  He asked me if I had a problem with paying for dinner or taking the bill sometimes.  So I'm sitting there thinking to myself...um...(sigh).  First of all, HE ASKED ME ON THE DATE!!! If I had asked him to go out....SURE!!! I should be more than happy to pay because I presented him with the question, meaning it would be good etiquette to pay.  But I am old fashioned, damn the whole, "it's 2012" crap...if you're hard up for $$$ that's fine! Take me to the park or something, but you asked to chill with ME - not the other way around.  I felt like he was  very inexperienced with the art of dating a woman OR he was just someone who didn't like to spend his own money like that.  Needless to say it was a big turnoff  because he made me feel like I was a gold digger in training.  ((buzzer sound)) FAIL.

FLIRTING W/ OTHER WOMEN WHILE YOU'RE AROUND - Have you lost your damn mind?! I don't know what it's like to get locked up for karate chopping somebody in slow motion, but I would imagine it's not worth it for a loser that would actually put you in that position.  ANY GUY THAT WOULD MAKE YOU FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE LIKE THAT IS NOT WORTH GETTING TO KNOW BETTER.  There is a difference between a guy that's just a playful people person and a guy that can't pass up an opportunity to woo a pretty lady.  And I'm seriously the type of a**hole that will do it back just to let him see how it feels.  Yep.

LIARS - I've always wondered, why do people stand firm on their lies LONG after they've already been caught?  If I have to worry about you lying about small things, you will DEFINITELY protect your behind from something on a larger scale.  Trust is a very delicate thing that many people think they deserve, but really it is earned by developing a bond.  Lies cause so much stress for the person telling the it, along with the person who will probably find out the truth anyway.  It just isn't worth it.

NEGATIVE -  I don't want somebody who acts like Spongebob, because that deserves a swift kick to the twin cakes too...BUT...if I can expect you to be a drag about life in general, or you always shoot down an idea, a person, or a feeling - YOU ARE NOT THE ONE.

INCOGNITO - If someone (male or female) goes missing for a extended period of time and you have been seeing them for over a month or so, this is an ultimate red flag.  I feel like this one depends on the dynamic of your relationship as well because there are many people who believe they are "dating someone" when in reality, they are just exchanging bodily fluids.  In this case, an AWOL situation is direct proof that you are a booty call and nothing more.  Someone who is truly interested will remain frequent in your life, with an emphasis on COMMUNICATION.  Someone who hands you thoughtless excuses about their disappearing acts probably is not tripping off of you or what you think.

NON-SUPPORTIVE - As you are getting to know a person, they should be showing you signs of knowing the concept of LOYALTY.  If you are in a jam with something, they should at the very least express sincere concern (emphasis on the word SINCERE).  Even if they can't immediately come to your rescue, they should let you know that they would try.  This goes for BOTH SEXES.  If I can sense that you wouldn't hold me down in a situation early in the game...you have done me a huge favor and I choose to dodge that bullet.  Too many people overlook this quality and after the relationship gets more serious, they are emotionally burned by the lack of support.

TOO MUCH JEALOUSY - Jealousy can be somewhat of a sexy quality.  This lets you know that a person cares about what you do and who you're doing it with.  BUT - under NO circumstances is it okay for anyone to treat their guy or lady like property.  You should be able to speak to other people (as long as boundaries are not violated and respect is present) without your guy or lady creating a web of drama.  IT IS OF EXTREME IMPORTANCE that you talk to your guy or lady about boundaries.  What are you comfortable and not comfortable with?  Some stuff will be trial and error and that's just life, but at least have the convo.  If you care about your relationship being healthy, you will do this.

PUBLIC EMBARRASSMENT - This is another BOUNDARY discussion.  Everybody has different levels of what they consider to be appropriate and inappropriate in public.  BUT, nobody should treat you like you're not on their level and try to correct/scold you like you're a child NOR should a person put their lady or guy on display and make them uncomfortable.  It's a respect thing.  It's sad when some people don't have enough home training to understand this either.  Blame the parents but leave the ignorant individual.  Right after you slap them.  Sike...(sort of).

SUBSTANCE ABUSE - If someone can't smoke on a tree, have a drink or 3, take a pill, or be in another "state of mind" without upsetting you or having an attitude problem - this will not get any better.  You have a choice to either attack the problem head on or deal with the stress over time.  This is a delicate issue because it has torn up many relationships and many folks are too far into their habit for a significant other to help them alone.  Seeking help doesn't mean a person is crazy, it just means you might want some assistance.  Just like you would call any other business for expert help or advice.  Don't ignore signs and become 5 years in the relationship game w/ someone you saw from day 1 needed help.

NEVER TALK ABOUT SERIOUS THINGS -  I LOOOOOOVEEEE a playful, sarcastic, fun-loving, enjoy life type of guy.  BUT...if I can't talk about anything serious with that person without him going magically deaf or I feel like I'm talking to myself...THAT IS AN ULTIMATE RED FLAG.  This is not the same as regular venting that is reserved for my girlfriends however.  In the conversation of "Men versus Women", I do believe that a woman cannot expect a heterosexual man to sit there and digest all of her yapping...BUT, sometimes an intimate and adult conversation is needed and is a great thing.  I should know you are able to do that and you have an IQ higher than your shoe size.  Also, more than the possibility of dealing with someone that's not on your intelligence level, this is also another red flag that you are not that into me.  People that are into you like that care about connecting w/ you on a deeper level.  Period.

**BONUS, BUT SHOULD GO WITHOUT SAYING**:

CHEATING.  Nowadays, you really have to establish a commitment to make sure you're even validated to get pissed if your lady or guy steps out there.  But the person that is truly worth the effort will work to earn your trust.  Someone who has shown you they are liberal with their body parts swaying in the wind (literally) is showing you what your future will look like if you accept it.  You will not change them by staying.  What you will do is probably fan the fire into the explosion that it's destined to be by accepting infidelity.

Keep your eyes open.  Many times, people get upset about the way "another person" ruined their life when it was really bad decisions that ruined it and your lack of self-reflection and accountability.

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Learn Some Damn Respect.

If you're in a relationship and you know you would be upset if you saw your mate giggling on the phone with someone of the opposite sex, MAKE SURE YOU DO NOT DO IT TO THEM.

If you are a man and you're out at a club where you decided to take sand to the beach (aka - you brought your girlfriend) you better play with your FREAKIN sand unless you are saying it's okay for your girl to be sandwiched in by two dudes while "Make Love In this Club" by Usher is on.  Some couples might honestly have the understanding that this is okay, but if you do not, ACT ACCORDINGLY.

I say all of this because I am seriously having an issue in the United States of America on the East Coast, in the Virginia persuasion of the world on my cozy couch, reflecting on how many people I know that really don't practice the crap they condemn other people for.

How dare you flirt with your co-workers knowing you have a significant other, but you feel threatened when you see your mate having a friendly exchange with someone they know?

There are far too many people who fail to take accountability (aka OWNERSHIP) for the actions that they do that screw up their relationships YET, they get mad because they were called out on it and/or had to reap the consequences.

THEN YOU HEAR EXPRESSIONS LIKE THIS:

"believe what you want to believe", "yeah, you're always right", I'll be the bad guy if it makes you feel better", "you win", etc. etc. etc.

All of these expressions are signs of avoidance.  If a person really cares about their relationship, they will be more concerned with making sure that their mate feels comfortable with a situation.  Couples that are truly in "LIKE" with one another will be more respectful of each other's feelings - regardless if they agree or disagree.  If I truly want to be with a person, I will try to see their perspective if I can tell it's truly important to them.

All couples need to establish the concept of BOUNDARIES.  Couples are two humans that have two separate brains - they need to communicate to make sure they understand what is cool for the relationship versus what isn't.  If you don't, it's a recipe for disaster.

I believe in certain homes, the concept of respecting a person's feelings, behaviors and etc. was something that was not taught from an early age.  In that case, you end up with a grown adult who relies on avoidance, misplacing blame and anger, does not take ownership for what they contribute to a problem, and a host of other reactions that create an explosion of conflict.  It's hard to say where you begin with a person who fits this description (however) because you really would have to make the decision of whether you want to invest that level of effort in working things out with a person who will defend their position to the death.

Most people nowadays will preach to gravitate to the people who feed positivity into your world, but what about when you're in a complicated relationship and it's a mixture of good and bad?  I think our generation could stand a few crash courses in going through the storm of a relationship with a person and not just throwing them away, but you have to have a balance.  If a person does not respect you - there isn't a true foundation.  Treating someone the way you want to be treated has EVERYTHING to do with levels of respect a person has.  And more than this, there ARE people who believe in double standards with men and women so it's important to know this early on so you can decide if you can handle that type of person.

Have I rambled enough?  It's definitely a complicated situation depending on the couple but I will preach the concept of KARMA forever and ever.....and EVER.  What you do to others will come back to haunt you or bless you.  You choose.

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I Gave Her 5 Times to Piss Me Off...

For the most part, people start off with a very pleasant and clean slate with me when I first meet them - regardless of what i've heard about them.  I know that sounds very "politically correct" to say, but I usually try to build my own opinion of a person without biased information influencing me - mostly because people can lie and you never know who could be "hating" on who.

So, I was hosting an event and there was this "lady" (I'm saying lady like she's older than me...she's not) but she was a contributing speaker for the event and I was definitely looking forward to meeting her.  I began the event pronouncing her last name wrong and needless to say, I believe it set the tone for the rest of our brief exchanges we had there after.  I believe the problem I truly have (note the present tense) with this person is the fact that instead of taking the time to feel me out a little better, she treated me like she already had me figured out.  Have you ever encountered someone where you feel like they have pre-judged you and are already acting out what category they've subliminally put you in?  Well, I definitely felt the vibe from this woman and needless to say, I eventually gave her the "I will stab you in your pinky toe while you're sleep" face.  


I don't understand why people take common courtesy for granted.  Even if she initially met me thinking "who is this b#tch", I would think the mature way to engage me would have been in a manner that she would want to be addressed herself.  I could be absolutely ANYONE.  How does she know?  I could hold a key to a door she would like to have opened one day, but because she made the decision to stick her nose up in the air and express a subliminally negative attitude, the door would be locked by most people if they were in my position.   


It's a problem I usually see with people that have made some level of accomplishment - they put themselves on an imaginary pedestal.  The word is PRETENTIOUS.   CELEBRITIES that I've met with FAR more credentials and accomplishments have taken time to humble themselves for a friendly exchange with me, but a person who is still in most cases a "squirrel still trying to gather her nuts" places herself above me because of what?  Your guess is as good as mine.  


Anyone who truly knows me knows that I support talented and hard working individuals 1000% - ESPECIALLY if they represent the area that I am from (Washington, DC area also known to some as the "DMV").  I gave this person MULTIPLE TIMES to show me that she had the attitude of a good ass kicking recipient (I'm not violent, I swear lol) before I made up my mind to delete her from my long list of people whose mission I support.  Not like she needs me, but karma is a real thing for people whose representatives are a far cry from who they really are.  


Okay, I think I'm done venting about Cruella DeVille.  I think it wouldn't sting as much if I hadn't opened a door for her that she didn't even acknowledge me for - but that's when I try to remember that any time I lend a hand, referral, or any of the like, it really is because it's in my heart to help people as much as I can.  See, I tried to bring it back to love even though it would be nice to drop a 10 pound weight on her foot.  ((sings "Woo-sah" song now))

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THIS Is What Will Save Your Relationship!!!

Click on the video below where I break down the necessary elements needed to play the relationship game.  Don't over-analyze the fact that I just said relationship "GAME" either. It's just an expression...calm down. ((smiley face))

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Get That Phony Smile Outta Here!!!

Do you ever get around someone and want to gag yourself because of how disgustingly "happy" they always seem?  Personally, I LOVE being around others who are cheerful and their energy is good - but ONLY if it's GENUINE.  When I'm around someone who I sense is only "wearing" a smile, it really really irks me and makes me want to drop a bowling ball on their foot.  Like 3 times in a row.  While I'm mean-mugging them with duck lips.

Case in point, a guy friend I have.  He has always wanted to be more than friends with me, but the feeling definitely isn't mutual. He always comes across polite and cheerful, but he's never been straight up with me about negative feelings he's had towards me.  Not that I want someone to beef with me, but I crave authenticity in my connections.  The second I feel that someone is being phony with me, I immediately begin to drift away from that person.  It's almost like a hidden defense I have built up.  Right or wrong, that's how I've always operated.

This is along the same issue that I have with people who preach the "HI HATER", "I LOVE MY HATERS", "HATERS ARE YOUR FANS" crap that nobody really feels deep down.  This is TOTALLY the wrong type of mentality to train yourself to have.  What is the point of preaching lies like this to make yourself appear strong and unaffected when you spend energy and time out of your day venting about people that fit this description?  Most of us that pump blood ARE affected when someone crosses us in a negative way.  And no, I'm not saying that we shouldn't boost ourselves to accept the fact that people will always have an opinion - good or bad.  However, dismissing the situation on the surface just because it's cute to say in a Facebook status will not make your emotions any stronger.  The only thing you're doing is showing others that you need to convince yourself you don't care.   Think about it.

A large part of my 20's was spent making an effort to "save face" and not appear emotionally weak with certain people - even though in many situations you could see right through me.  What I needed to learn is that by going through the conflict (which is a weak area for me), it really helps to make a bond stronger - because you are learning more about the person who you have the difference with.   If there is any amount of respect (and honestly, home training) present, then all parties involved will grow from the experience.

So cut the "nobody affects me" crap.  You just look like a LL Uncool J = Lame Lying Uncool JACKASS.  (Yeah, I'm corny...so what.)

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"I Wish You Would Just Have My Back"

Picture this.  I'm looking into the eyes of this beautiful, confident, and engaging man over candlelight and soft classical music.  We've been dating for a few months and the vibe has been perfect every time we connect.  We joke the same, we seem to speak the same body language...THEN, the question of "what are you looking for in a girlfriend" comes from my lips and he goes into a blank-stare.  Then he looks at me and says, "seriously, all BS aside, I really just want a woman who's down for me and has my back in all situations."  I wanted so bad to ask him to elaborate but that's when our plates of food were served and that lobster tail had to be handled by my taste buds immediately.  (I concentrate and savor my food when I eat...don't judge me.)

Needless to say, my mind raced at the comment he made because of a very colorful past w/ my last real relationship (key color being blue like the bruised eye my ex should have had for being a damn jerk) and the fact that when some guys say they want a woman that "has their back", what they really mean is a woman who can take a lot of their bullshit without leaving or threatening to leave.  My mind continued to wander to about 2 years prior to this date when my last real relationship was still holding on by a wing and a prayer.

((INSERT DAYDREAMING/FLASHBACK/HARP SOUND HERE))

I had a hoopty.  It was a machine that coughed, stuttered, cursed me out and finally said eff my life AND wherever I needed to go after only 3 months' time and $1000.  I was with my ex, still trying to make our relationship work after several failed attempts.  My ex was acutely aware that the car was in very poor shape in terms of the way it ran and the fact that it literally sounded like a pissed off lawn mower.  He had asked me if he could drive to NY to see the Giants' game and that's when I gave him the look.  I was thinking to myself, why would you take this explosion of thrown up rubber and metal ANYWHERE besides down the street?  BUT...I didn't say no.  I just showed my hesitation.  He told me he would do some minor maintenance to the car before he left (like that was going to save the car from being a liability on the road).  He ended up dropping me off at work and then commenced to taking his behind (and one-track mind) up to New York.  

On top of the fact that he didn't come back until the following day, leaving me without a way to get around in the morning, he didn't answer any of my texts or phone calls while he was gone.  THEN (you're going to love this one) he comes back with the car smelling of the finest Herbal Essences along with the car being trashed, full of fast food bags, wrappers and balled up napkins.  

OK OK...so yeah the "down for your man" thing would have been to fuss at him and eventually let it go right?  WELL...how do you effectively do that when the person cops more of an attitude about it than you do?  Don't you love reverse-psychology?  I must have loved it because I dealt w/ it for 7-8 years.

((PLAYS FAIRY DUST SOUNDS TO COME BACK TO REALITY IN 2012))

I told that awful story because of 1 reason...there are many people that make the statement that they want a person to "have their back" but won't even take responsibility for making sure their behavior PRACTICES WHAT THEY PREACH.  If my ex took a look at himself and would realize that he didn't have my back 1/10 of how much he expected me to have his -- he might have less of an attitude about me and what didn't work out.  Actually, he'd still have an attitude (some people just need a lifetime supply of PMS medication).  

Think about what it really means to hold a person down through thick and thin.  Meaning, you respect that person, your differences and choose to treat them respectfully despite of those differences.

THAT SIMPLE.

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