THE STRIPPER POLE

Okay so, this was about 2009 or something.  I was desperately trying to find a way to make more money for my family.  I kept thinking my skills that were the strongest outside of my day job weren't going to land me a profit anytime soon.  I also couldn't rely on extra income from recording people in the studio because it was too inconsistent. That's when I found Lil' Mynx.

I decided to invest in a stripper pole to take around to ladies' houses and have pole parties.  I felt like this was the perfect way for me to make quick money by holding events for ladies who wanted a slumber party-esque experience with their friends.  Plus it sounded like fun.

I actually threw a pole party for my 25th birthday so I was like...HEY! I can pocket off of all the birthday girls who want to act up with their friends!  I went online and found Lil' Mynx poles (which definitely have more affordable poles) and ordered mine.

Now there are two types of poles that I'm aware of.  The first pole has a unit that suctions into the ceiling and is easily removable and can be transported to different locations to be used.  The other type of pole has to be mounted into the ceiling - meaning you have to drill a hole into the ceiling to connect the device that the pole attaches to.

Now me being the intelligent African-American that I am, I didn't make sure I knew which pole I had when I made my purchase.  I ended up buying the one that I had to bolt into the ceiling...in my apartment...that I rent.  This also meant that the pole could only be used at my house unless I felt like drilling a hole into everyone else's wall before we got started.

So yeah I know...I should have just sent it back to make an exchange right?  Um...well...that would have worked out for me if I hadn't waited 2 months after it was delivered to me to finally open it.  I was trying to finish out a semester at school so I said I would focus on that before I opened the pole to get started on my new business venture.  The warranty was only for 30 days. (Womp-Womp-Womp)

Okay, so I took it out and used it anyway.  The best use that I got out of the pole after I finally destroyed enough of my ceiling to put it up was for my sister's 21st birthday party.  There's just something about drunk chicks falling off a pole that just makes any night worth having.

Over time the pole began to loosen and stopped being sturdy.  I know there's a weight limit for it but I won't even go there...I'll just say the wear and tear added up fast.  The worst part was that it was a constant reminder that I had made a failed investment.  Minor as it was, it was still almost $400.  I'm not a baller so for all of you that wipe your bootys with that...how about you kiss mine.  (Just kidding.)

I ended up selling the pole a few months later to some pregnant chick. (I'm so sincere...she had to be about 8 months preggo) ::shrug face::

My point is:  Some investments are made to help you thrive.  Some investments are empty.  I honestly think it was meant for me to mess that up so I would understand that sometimes things fail because they weren't meant to be.  Sometimes when we find ourselves struggling to make something work, it really means that our direction may need to take a shift.   Not to say that you don't have to work hard... YOU DO, but if you believe in GOD, he allows things to happen (good and bad) that help us understand the direction we need to take. 

I definitely know he was trying to tell me I have talents that far exceed me trying to use a gimmick to make a living.  No disrespect to anyone making money off of that but we all have to know our individual purpose.  When we are in tune with that...we will succeed.

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“YOUR NA-NA IS NOT MADE OF GOLD. A MAN’S PERSPECTIVE (PART THREE)

"Stop jumping into bed with brothers YOU DON’T KNOW. That means fewer opportunities for men to cheat." - anonymous MAN

Let's define the word KNOW.  Do you know a dude just because you've been talking to him for a while?  He took you out a few times?  Maybe you even met his twin pitbulls?  Fed 'em a few times?  Or maybe you studied ESPN for a week and shot the breeze about his favorite foozeball team so you would win brownie points and get a few laughs out of him?  Hmmm?!

REALITY: You don't know a man just because you believe you've uncovered a few details about him.  You know a man when you get to the core of what his life consists of.

"Observe him when you are with him. Do you have his home number? Work number? Have you seen where he lives? Where he works? Is he secretive? Did you ask if he’s married or engaged? How does he treat other people? Listen to what he says, NOT what you want to hear." - anonymous MAN

It's called having a high standard.  And not the type of standard where you only deal with guys with money or status (whatever that is).  Having a high standard means ANYONE who wants to achieve a place of intimacy with you (physically AND MENTALLY) needs to meet certain requirements that you have.  (Requirements such as being a good listener, calling several times a day and checking on you, quality time with deep convo, introducing you to his family, being motivated, hard-working and most importantly, HIS WORDS AND ACTIONS MATCH.)

I mean...aren't you worthy of that?  Stop letting your butt cheeks define who you are and let your personality win the love and attention of a man.  Yes...I'm especially talking to the chicks who have pictures online showing every area but their face. (Y'all heffas need a hug).

Can you imagine how the rate of infidelity would decrease if women would have a MORAL requirement for sleeping with a man rather than a financial or physical one?  (I know it's got my head spinnin' too).

It takes TWO TO TANGO.  We all hear how some women say men are dogs...sniffing around and waiting to pounce on the next big butt and a smile.  BUT WAIT...DID HE RAPE HER?  Or did SHE want it just as bad as he did?  Ummhmm...

And honestly...I think that many women who claim to prefer only a physical connection with a man are just afraid of giving away control.  Often times I believe she uses the "get to you before you get to me" mentality.  Only problem is, your sexual high comes down at some point.  And afterwards, your conscience (hopefully you have one of those) rears its head and reminds you that you need to have a seat (and an appointment with your gynecologist).  

Yeah I know hormones are a b*tch, but if you wonder why you can't trust a man's behavior...it's usually because of some woman who LOWERED HER STANDARDS to let him do what SHE ALLOWED HIM TO DO.  Or, he responded to the advances that she threw him.

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“YOUR NA-NA IS NOT MADE OF GOLD. A MAN’S PERSPECTIVE (PART TWO)

DENIAL and more DENIAL.  If I had a penny for how many times I run across a female that believes she has a man (or a situation with a man) figured out I'd have residual income.

He said that "WOMEN WILL DENY THAT THEY THINK LIKE THIS" - "THIS" meaning women who want more from a man emotionally when they only have a physical connection with him.

And how many ladybugs are out here like that???  Hmmmm...a TRILLION GA-ZILLION maybe?  And why is that?  Are all the women who accept meaningless sexual rendez-vous JUST OKAY with being a booty call?  Some women will say YES...they're fine with it.  Some women will say that they can reap the same benefits as a "main chick" aka the woman with the relationship, without having to deal with the emotional stress and drama.

Other women will scream "HELL NO!" right after they just got done washing off bodily juices from a repeated episode of "Lowering Your Standards".   And some of these women not only lie about the fact that they entertain booty calls but they also deny that they have any emotional attachment to the guy in an effort to claim their pride and look like the person in control.


The guy in my previous post said:
"Black men do not have to lie when so many black women are already deaf"

THESE ARE EXAMPLES OF BEING DEAF ~~~~~~

1)  He tells you that he's not ready for a relationship because he's afraid of titles messing up things, or he's been hurt in the past.

YOUR INTERPRETATION:  Oh, he's not ready NOW but I can change that one day.

THE TRUTH:  NO HE WON'T DEAF LADY.  HE SAID THE KEY PHRASE.  I'M NOT READY.  BELIEVE THAT AND KEEP IT MOVING MA'AM.  AND SURE! YOU CAN KEEP SCREWING HIM BUT JUST KNOW YOU ARE SCREWING A DUDE WHO WILL NEVER WIFE YOU.  LIKE, EVER.

2) He tells you that he's eventually leaving his wife but at the moment he can't because he's taking care of her bills, their children or whatever.  He is also telling you this when you see him once or twice a week if you're lucky - mostly at night, and in private.

YOUR INTERPRETATION:  I just need to be patient because I put that "thang" on him and he wouldn't be coming to me if he was so in love with her.

THE TRUTH:  YOU are a SIDE-PIECE.  YOU are something to do when he is bored with being at home.  He has NO intention of leaving his wife and if you are lucky enough to get him to leave, keep a stopwatch ticking to figure out how long it's going to take him to do the same thing to you.  If he sees you in public, he WILL look like a deer in headlights and he WILL either avoid you like the plague or give you the puppy dog eyes pleading you to stay in your place...which is NOT with him.  But oh yeah, that's cool because thanks to denial, "you're not emotionally attached to him anyway".

3) He comes home late often, from "meetings".  Or from being with the "guys".  His phone stays on silent but it's okay, he just doesn't want his Facebook alerts to wake you both up.  He's had a few women calling his phone that you found out about too.

YOUR INTERPRETATION: It's all about me because I have the ring and the last name.  OH YEAH...and the mortgage is paid and whatever else I want.  I think.

THE TRUTH:  Whatever him and his little girl toy do...affects YOU.  If she has crabs or any other seafood situation in her panties....he probably does too...and sadly...so would YOU.  Yeah I know, your man isn't that type of person.  He just works too much.  Yep, you're right.  He humps other chicks for his other full-time job and that can be hard work so yes, I guess you're correct.

And I'm aiming this commentary at the WOMEN more than the men for ONE REASON.  He can't do what you don't LET HIM DO.  But I know, he's too cute, you're too curious, he flashed a little money,  you'll be damned if you pass up free food, you're comfortable, the sex is good, and yadda yadda yadda.  Nobody told you to clap your cheeks for him though.  Nobody told you to be in your own fantasy world and twist his words and actions to fit your agenda. You thought of all that extra-ness on your own.  All by yourself.  Look at the sentence before this one.  Reckless humping usually leads to that.  Especially when it's someone else's man you're doing it to. 

At some point we have to stop using the male to female ratio, gayness among males, incarcerated men and etc. as an excuse to settle for less and (for lack of a more tactful way to say it) being just plain stank.

There is a reason why your rendez-vous with these men are mostly in private and at times where there's nothing open besides 7-11 and legs.  Um...yeah.

I SAY ALL OF THIS WITH LOVE.  I HATE TO SEE MY BEAUTIFUL WOMEN OF ALL COLORS HURT BECAUSE THEY SETTLE FOR LESS AND PROLONG THE INEVITABLE HURT THAT THEY WILL FEEL WHEN THEY TURN A BLIND EYE AND DEAF EAR.  IGNORANCE IS BLISS UNTIL REALITY SNEAKS IN UNEXPECTED AND ABRUPTLY ENDS YOUR AIRHEAD PARTY.  START PAYING ATTENTION AND STOP LIVING IN DENIAL.

(special shout-out to my BFF Jay and her father ~  Mr. Ray Brown (RIP) for the "7-11 and legs" expression...I love you.)

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“YOUR NA-NA IS NOT MADE OF GOLD. A MAN’S PERSPECTIVE (PART ONE)

For all the ladybugs that believe that their "na-na" is made of a rare platinum...please read this commentary FROM A MAN about the price of your goods.

AN ANONYMOUS MAN:

Bottom line–if I sleep with a woman I don’t know or care about, SEX is NOT going to make me care. (I stopped doing that years ago) That kind of sex is like scratching an itch. Once a man scratches, he’s through. He ain’t sitting around thinking about that spot that itched or how good it felt scratching it. He’s moving on with his life until that spot itches again and it don’t matter which hand he scratches it.

Too many women PRETEND they can handle a sexual fling, but wind up getting caught up and wanting us to romance and wine and dine them and pretend we’re having a “relationship” when it’s NOTHING but a booty call. Come on, ladies, y’all know I’m telling the truth.

Unfortunately, ladies, you are part of our problem. You sleep with us BEFORE you know us or what we’re about. Having sex with a man does not automatically make that a “relationship”. Many women will deny they think like this but I’m speaking from personal experience. Also, ladies know when their men are fooling around and still turn a blind eye by getting mad at the other woman.

Now, what kind of sense does that make? Why should that woman make YOU (a total stranger) a priority in her life? IF HE DID NOT MARRY YOU HE IS STILL SINGLE. The “other woman” is not breaking up a “happy home”.

Many women marry men who were cheating BEFORE they walked down the aisle and then are SHOCKED that a fancy wedding dress or an expensive walk down the aisle didn’t change who he was. Why should he change? YOU let him know it was acceptable by sticking around that long.

Ladies, start living with your eyes OPEN. Most shady men give themselves away one way or another, usually before the first 30 days. Women have to stop “rewarding” unfaithful men by pretending it ain’t happening. All of us Black Men (BM) do not cheat. I do not cheat on my lady so don’t buy the hype. I know other BM who do not but many men WILL cheat if there are NO real penalties for it.

Stop jumping into bed with brothers YOU DON’T KNOW. That means fewer opportunities for men to cheat. Women have to STOP being so afraid to ask the important questions that would reveal his TRUE lifestyle. Worry LESS about what kind of job he has and what kind of car he drives and encourage him to talk about his past, particularly his past with women. OPEN those ears and listen. Does he put down his ex-women and blame them for everything? And don’t be so vain. You are NOT a better woman than his last. If he dogged her out, you will probably be NEXT.

Observe him when you are with him. Do you have his home number? Work number? Have you seen where he lives? Where he works? Is he secretive? Did you ask if he’s married or engaged? How does he treat other people? Listen to what he says, NOT what you want to hear. Stop INTERPRETING the meaning of what he says to fit your purposes. If he says, “I’m not looking’ for nothing right now” — DON’T tell yourself, “Aw, he just scared of getting hurt. I can change his mind…” NO YOU CAN’T. He said exactly what the hell he meant. BM don’t have to lie when so many BW are already DEAF.

If you can’t answer BASIC questions about a man DON’T OPEN YOUR LEGS. I could kinda understand back in the days when sex wouldn’t KILL people but now? There’s no excuse and if a BW takes that huge risk of sleeping with a STRANGER then she better protect herself — sexually AND emotionally.

Show our ass to the door if we pressure you for sex too soon. Don’t be afraid to be alone. After you give our ass some you will probably be alone anyway but now you feel like a fool. In other words, take your time and check us out. If we REALLY like you, we’ll stick around. BUT if you decided to sleep with a man you hardly know, PROTECT yourself and keep your expectations to ZERO. We do not owe you a relationship or another date just because you had sex with us.

I have TOO many female friends who give me horror stories that could have been avoided if they’d done their homework first OR moved SLOWER before giving up the panties. I try as a BM to give them the best advice I can but that won’t mean a thing if BW continue to live in a dream world. You are TOTALLY RESPONSIBLE for your own sexual behavior the same as I am. Blaming the man won’t change a damn thing. BW have to look in the mirror and take SOME of the blame for what’s wrong with BM/BW relationships. Let me end by saying….

SEX DOES NOT = A RELATIONSHIP

GIVING A MAN A READY-MADE FAMILY WILL NOT MAKE HIM COMMIT IF HE DOESN’T WANT TO

A MAN WILL NOT RESPECT A WOMAN WHO DOES NOT RESPECT HERSELF OR HER BODY

IF YOU TRADE SEX FOR MATERIAL THINGS YOU ARE PROSTITUTING YOURSELF

IF HE DOESN’T TAKE CARE OF HIS OTHER CHILDREN WHY WOULD YOU HAVE A BABY WITH HIM?

IF YOU REWARD A DOG WHY SHOULD MEN STOP BEING DOGS?

BRING MORE TO THE TABLE THAN YOUR BODY. NO YOUR ASS IS NOT MADE OF GOLD. IT IS ONLY AS GOOD AS I THINK IT IS.

BW are going to have to raise their standards if they expect BM to do it. The question is, are my beautiful BW up to the challenge? Are you willing to be strong and stop taking the easy way out? Ladies, ladies, ladies, hit me back with some truth, not some bull****. I don’t want to hear: “What you said don’t refer to me ’cause I got my **** together and I’m a proud black woman who intimidates men and I never made no mistakes, it’s those other women who do things like that.”

What are BW going to do about these shady, shaky relationships that wind up in divorce court 60-70% of the time?

Sincerely,

A truthful man. 

(BM and BW = Black men and women in case someone didn't catch that)

I HAVE TOO MANY THINGS TO COMMENT ON WITH THIS ONE...BUT TRUST AND BELIEVE THERE WAS CHURCH ALL UP AND THROUGH THIS COMMENTARY.  I FEEL LIKE SCREAMING A HALLELUJAH RIGHT NOW!  LOL


LADIES LADIES LADIES...YEAH I'M BREAKING THIS DOWN PIECE BY PIECE SO PLEASE STAY TUNED AND IF ANYONE DISAGREES WITH ANYTHING PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE HIT ME UP AND SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS!

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SHE CUT ME 2DEEP...

Circa 2007, I was sitting in my chair at a small cafe spot on U Street in DC.  Rhymes, lyrics, and wit bounced off the walls while I tried to soak in the inspiration so I could write, imagine, and inspire others.  This woman of many words approached the stage.  She was a rare talent...she worked the crowd with her humor and engaging delivery.  I was in awe of her...especially since she invited me there.  She was infectious, quickly becoming a part of the DC poetry community and even alongside Def Poetry acts.  Yeah, ol' girl was GOOOOOOOD...reeeal good.  

Outside of the poetry scene, we were like the ignorant kids in the back of the classroom cutting up - rarely serious about anything.  I began to think that my circle of inspiration and close friends were growing as a long-term romantic relationship (I use the word romantic VERY LOOSELY) had ended.

We were hittin' up the same spots, starting to talk to the same people, inviting each other out to things, doing friend-type stuff.  But for some reason, there was another story going on beneath the surface of the laughter and the jokes.  One I would learn about and never forget.

I networked with a local photographer that she had worked with and began to start a portfolio - even though I'm not a model...I knew I wanted to market myself as a writer/poet/something. She was always one of the first ones to comment on a new picture I had uploaded online (should have been a red flag right there) but again, I felt love and a real connection from a new friend.

Facebook was growing in popularity and began to take where MySpace had left off - I was on Facebook back in 2005 when it was only for college folk.  Facebook began to allow 3rd party applications to become a regular part of the site.  One application that became the hot spot to allow the shy folks to become bold was/is called the famous "Honesty Box".  Oh yeah...ANONYMOUS MESSAGING.  Many horns grew on the heads of folks when this was discovered.

So yeah, I downloaded it too.  Much to my surprise, dudes who wanted to try their hand at you weren't the only ones using it for their agendas.  Apparently, negative and hateful vibes come through this messaging service as well.

So one day, I received a message that said: I believe that you should look deeper inside of you, rely a little less on your looks and aim higher (the message said something like that)

So I wrote back to the message on a humble tip saying that if they knew me better, they would know that I'm definitely not the type of person that would think in such a shallow way.  I really have other passions that I plan to go after that have nothing to do with "modeling" - which I wasn't anyway.

Then I receive a reply saying: Well, um...I do know you very well and I know that you need to check yourself and get a grip on how you are being perceived (this is not verbatim but close enough)

So now I'm getting pissed.  I immediately think to myself, if this person knows me very well, then why would they address me in such an impersonal manner?  Why not sit me down to talk if there's something that concerns them about me?  So I basically say that in my next response and planned to keep it moving.

That day, I uploaded a new picture to my Facebook and captioned it "I dedicate this to the coward who felt the need to address me in an anonymous message instead of to my face" (I was pretty upset so yes, I mildly vented publicly - I don't do that normally btw).  After several hours, I received a few comments underneath the picture...including one from Ms. Anonymous.  Yep, her.

So, in a nutshell I realized the messenger was this same girl that I had hung out with, supported, cheered for, and cared about.  After she went from hiding behind anonymity to publicly announcing the silent beef that was brewing. I got pretty pissed.

I simply told her not to address me anymore.  Period.  I knew after leaving an abusive relationship that I couldn't deal with any other type of relationship that resembled it.

I felt like the innocent bystander that got shot or something.  I tried to support this girl, be a friend to this girl, only for her to let me know (subliminally) what she really thought of me.

Oh...but I'm not done!

So, a day or two later I got a phone call from a mutual friend who made me aware that Ms. Anonymous posted a note about me on Facebook.  I didn't look at it because I had already blocked her from my list of friends but apparently this lovely list of LIES were said about me:

*  I slept around with my "producers"
*  We were very close and I shared information with her about my being a "gold-digger"
*  She told me that I needed to stop sleeping around with folks and aim higher with my goals

Yep.  That's what she said.  And to top it off...I felt like people would believe her because I did do modeling pics and there are about 567,309,674,540,865,256,342,846,936,453,917, infinity people just like that who want to sleep their way into opportunity in the entertainment industry.

I felt alone and attacked.  I knew the only ally I had was my spirit that wouldn't allow anyone to break it.  I had never been officially slandered before and it felt like I was helpless for a second because although not many people knew who I was, I knew that lies like this would be believed based on what our culture accepts as entertainment these days.

Moral of the story is: The war between us ladies (especially ladies of color) NEEDS TO END.  I don't have to sabotage you in order to feel great, beautiful, wanted, or loved.  We can ALL share the spotlight.  We can ALL be great.  Somewhere, somehow, for some untrue reason, we began looking at one another as a threat.  And why?  Why can't we love the way God loves us? 

I forgive that girl.  As angry as I was, I can't let that situation influence negativity for my life.   I wish her great things actually.  Especially growth.

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IS "LADY-LIKE" A THING OF THE PAST???

 Okay. I'm on Facebook. I'm on Twitter. I have been up and through the social networking situation left and right. Yes, I've been nosy like the rest of you (don't front) and more and more it seems to me like women believe that since it's 2011 and we have a voice in society now, that we should say whatever we want. "Freedom of Damn Speech" right???

I say women specifically because (call me old-fashioned but) I was raised to believe that women are naturally more nurturing. It bothers me that women sing the "I'mma Lady" song so quickly after they just finished talking like sailors that just got their eye poked out. Most of these ladybugs demand respect when they are subliminally disrespecting themselves at the same time.

And I know I'm not crazy when I see PLENTY OF MEN Tweeting and Facebooking that this behavior is very unattractive.

Appearances definitely do deceive too because I've seen some really attractive ladybugs (I mean that in the most heterosexual way possible) that have mouths that belong on a couple angry club bouncers that just broke up a fight.  Such a waste of a pretty face.

I feel like some women believe that their loose mouth is a badge of confidence and I believe that it's really more a badge of ignorance and insecurity. Yes, it's also a nasty habit for some women but you can tell who speaks foul because they're used to it compared to a woman who has no shame about it.

I do believe the old saying that swearing is a sign of poor vocabulary. YEP. SURE DO. BECAUSE WHEN I DID IT MYSELF (yeah this is the Doodlebug DIARY) my vocabulary back then needed some Jesus.

And it's just like Queen Latifah said in "U-N-I-T-Y", when she said:

"Now everybody knows there's exceptions to this rule, now don't be gettin' mad when we're playing it's cool..."

So yeah, I know that sometimes it's used for comedic purposes...(I'm not the curse word police) but some people don't even realize that they put themselves in a particular light when they talk like this. Then they'll be the same person pissed off for some guy talking to them like that.  Or they kid themselves into thinking they are considered "the cool chick who keeps it 100".  Ahem...no.  You're the chick who demotes your appearance by speaking like a savage.

And maybe I can chalk this up to my age because I'm 28 now, but when I was 18...19...even in my earlier 20's I had a lower standard for what I said and sadly enough what was said to me. I know even now I can't lie, I might slip up sometimes, but I try to be mindful that it's an awful habit and I'm a mother so I need to do better.

This isn't to bash anybody.  Nobody's perfect and like I said, my own lips aren't 100% free of french-style four letters...but it's not a habit anymore.   I'm hoping some ladybug will read this and say: yeah, I know I need to calm my words down a taste, instead of being in denial that it's a low standard for yourself when you do it all the time.

Go ahead and act like that don't sound like some of y'all.  LOL.  And that's exactly who you look like when your mouth starts to resemble a Porta-Potty.

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NOBODY CAN SHINE BETTER THAN ME!!!

 I'm tired of chicks that let their friends walk out the house looking set the hell up.  Yeah y'all.

I remember it was Summer of 2007.  I was ready to get my single lady dance on with my sorority sister.  She came to my apartment and I was still trying to get ready so we could go party together.  I went into my room and came out with a pair of plaid short shorts (booty shorts cut) with heels and a dress shirt.  The shorts were very much in style at that particular time.

The second I stepped foot into the living room, my friend had this look of shock on her face as her eyes were darted at my shorts.  Then she asked me, "Are you really leaving out of the house like that?"  I was puzzled by that question and asked her why she would ask me that.  She plainly said, "You want "THAT" kind of attention wearing those shorts out here? Your thighs are RIDICULOUS!"

So I decided to double-take myself in the full-body mirror and see if I saw what she saw.  I really didn't think that I was about to draw that much attention to myself but the fact was that my friend made me aware of something I didn't see on my own.

I kept looking...then I noticed how I looked in movement - bending over and all kinds of fun stuff like that.  Then I pumped my brakes and changed.  I really didn't want that kind of attention.  Being appreciated for my appearance was one thing, but being considered fresh pickings in the "take home" category wasn't quite what I was going for.

Some people might say that she just didn't want me to shine brighter than her or be sexier than her...but usually those people are a walking contradiction or obviously insecure.  She was neither of the two and for good reason.  No homo, but my friend is HOT.  

This is something that I find to be more of a rare quality in friends these days - especially with women.  For some reason, there seems to be an epidemic of relationships that are filled with non-genuine behavior.  "Friends" not truly taking the best interest of each other and playing subliminal competitive games rather than backing one another up.

Now, for some people, friendships take a backseat to family life (especially if you're married) but some people consider their friends to be their "family".  And regardless of either situation, it is still important about the company you keep because some friends are more lethal than people you've identified as an enemy.

And my reason is this:  Any person that you entrust confidential information to should be worthy of it.  Any person that would let a alien-shaped crater hang out of your nose because she secretly wants to demote your appearance is insecure and has let that outweigh their devotion to being a true friend to you.  Be watchful of these individuals.

People and their insecurities will always cripple themselves, but also whomever they spend their time and energy on.  They are draining and really, it's not about abandoning these people, but understanding where they are and what role you will take in their lives, if any.

Choose your circle of trust wisely kids...

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#REASONSTOHAVEGUYBESTFRIENDS

 Okay so this is a trending topic on Twitter right now.  First of all, if a woman is single and is doing whatever the heck she feels like doing, then more power to her for having a bunch of boy toys around that can give her sound advice when they're not trying to subliminally sleep with her.

Yeah I said it.

Unless the girl is not very attractive to the guy at all (intoxicated or not), there is a huge chance that the whole "guy best friend" situation is just an excuse to have someone around as a possibility for more.

When two people are in a relationship, the goal is to be on the same page and make one another happy.  I very seriously doubt that a husband or boyfriend (with any backbone) would be alright with his girl giggling on the phone with her friend that happens to be a guy.  The only word that would stick forefront in the guy's mind would be "opportunity".  He knows the average man will seize various opportunities that come through his radar.  So why wouldn't a guy that was lucky enough to have a "best lady friend" do the same thing.

When there is an argument, disagreement or fight...could she be running to the Best Guy Friend and telling him all of the intimate details of the relationship?  Could she be using this Best Guy Friend to radiate any emotions on since she may be feeling a void in her actual intimate relationship?  Ummhmm.  Probably so.

When you are in any relationship (not even just an intimate one) it is highly necessary to put yourself in the shoes of the other person.

ASK YOURSELF HOW YOU WOULD FEEL IF YOU HAD TO DEAL WITH YOURSELF.

That humble pie might not be so sour if you looked at a situation like that.  #ImJUSTSAYIN.

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DAMN I WANTED TO SEE HIM...

I made sure the hair was right...my curves were noticed and that my smell was one he wouldn't want to get out of his system.  It was a fall night.  That "stroll in the park" type of weather and I couldn't wait to see what my old crush from high school was up to these days.  We were linking up that night after I spotted him on Facebook and quickly "friended" him.  After we exchanged phone numbers, he called me and we had the typical "catching up" convo.  He asked if we could plan a small reunion.  I said, "of course" and begin to plot on how edible I wanted to look.

He doesn't drive so I had to come to him.  No big though...plenty of people don't put money into cars.  He might be a smart man for not wanting to throw money into something that depreciates in value so easily.  He quickly complimented the edible-like nature of my appearance (I'm just sayin' I was killin 'em that night) and before we went to an area where we could see the lights hitting the Potomac River, I noticed several things.

His stature was about the same as I remember from high school.  He definitely didn't put on much weight in 11 some odd years, but that wasn't a deal breaker for me.  Not that I was trying to make a "deal" but hey, I had no idea if we would hit it off that night or not.   We talked about people from school and what we had been up to.  THEN...after about an hour into our rendez-vous, he began to make his move.

He wanted me to sit in his lap and had no problem putting his hand on my thighs.  He went in to kiss me and all the time I was thinking to myself that it's time to pump his brakes or get my slapping hand ready.  I knew it was inevitable that he would try his luck - I'm thinking most guys are going to see how far to take it where sex is concerned, but the fact that he seemed pretty confident about pursuing me sexually made me (1) question his intelligence level and (2) question how far I took it with the edible appearance situation. (I'm just saying...I was looking like a buffet of deliciousness in case you all didn't catch that).

So besides the anything-but-subtle physical contact he was giving me, I couldn't help but analyze his level of conversation.  At first it was cool because we were talking about people from school and mutual friends.  Then he started talking about how I should be his girl and we would make a great "team".

<< INSERT SCREECHING HALT SOUND HERE >>

Ex-squeeze me sir?  You wanna who, what, where, when?!  He actually proposed that we become an item within two hours of us linking up after 7 or 8 years?  Huh?  So I asked him, how does he know he wants to be with me?  I told him I could be a psycho.  Then he tells me (you're gonna love this) that if something happened to me to make me crazy after all these years that he thinks I would let him know.  Huh? Que? Come again sir? 

So unfortunately, as much as I am not the judgmental type...I put him in the "haven't gotten very far in life" category and began to plot a diabolical scheme to escape and pretend this night never happened.  I knew that he would have ran the same line to any chick he found attractive.  I pretty much had to say everything but a family member was in the hospital for him to let me leave but I managed to cut the evening somewhat short.

He called my phone everyday for two or three weeks straight after that.  His favorite line was telling me that I wasn't going to get rid of him that easily. 

And yes, you notice I am mentioning conversation that happened after I realized I wasn't interested in him at ALL.  And why was this?  Why would I continue to entertain conversation with someone who is making it clear he wants me but the feeling isn't mutual?

It was because I wanted the option open at the time.  For some crazy reason, I felt like one day maybe I would want to chill with him and I was single at the time so hey, why not?  He might come in handy one day when I'm bored.

But that very thing I JUST said is a major habit that keeps many people unhappily single for a very long time.

Why is it that so many of us are willing to entertain a person who we know damn well is in the "ignorant waste of my time" category?  I think it's because many times we are so obsessed with the "NOW" that we often neglect the concept of "LATER".  Some of y'all ladies are reading this right now knowing you're sleeping with some bastard that makes you want to bathe in some Holy water when you're done messing with him.  And for what?  A nut?  Go buy a vibrator and wait for the right one who matches what you want out of a mate.  Better yet - MAKE SURE YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT PERIOD AND ENFORCE THAT AT ALL TIMES.  And if you aren't comfortable with loving yourself sexually then try to get comfortable.  I would say don't have sex period if I was good at fronting but I'm not.

I know this post is long...and I'm seriously not trying to sound judgmental but some people are meant to stay in the past where they belong.   Or some people are just meant to be a "passer by" and nothing more.

My point is:  HAVE A MEANINGFUL PURPOSE FOR THE CONNECTIONS YOU HAVE IN YOUR LIFE WITH OTHER PEOPLE.  IF YOU CAN'T SEE WHY YOU GIVE A PERSON YOUR TIME OR YOU FIND YOURSELF QUESTIONING THAT...YOU MIGHT WANT TO GET MORE IN TUNE WITH YOUR GUT.

YOU COULD POSSIBLY BE IN THEIR LIFE TO HELP THEM GROW, BUT IF YOU HAVE TO DUMB YOURSELF DOWN TO BE IN THEIR WORLD, I NEED FOR YOU TO DO YOURSELF A FAVOR AND RUN IN A SWIFT-LIKE MOTION TO A MORE PROMISING SIDE OF TOWN.

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IT’S A KIM KARDASHIAN WORLD….AND I’M A HATER.

AT LEAST YOU THINK I AM.

The typical mentality of many women these days --- ESPECIALLY women who are used to being appreciated for their beauty, body, or the festivities they partake in as a result of both, are that anyone who is in opposition to their behavior are jealous, wanna-bes or bitter about their (perceived) success.

I was checking out the whole Kimmy Kardash debauchery and I read an AWESOME article right HERE that truly broke down what certain "haters" are truly "hating" on about Kim K.

And it saddens me because I feel like this is what so many people of the adult community allow their children to believe is okay to become.  Why is it okay for a 14-year-old to think that as soon as she can get out of the house long enough, she should go find a dude that makes enough money and suck her way into opportunities that will bridge her way into "success" that is defined by the media?

I ASK AGAIN....WHY IS THIS OKAY???

And the even sadder part is the fact that I think Kimmy TRULY believes (like many other lost females) that the majority of other women envy them.

So I'm about to break down what I see there is to envy:  (Fellas, don't drool too hard)

She's on top of the world, right?!  Who wouldn't want to be beautiful, the most talked about, or able to buy practically whatever she wants?

       NOW: Somebody flip this chick inside out.  Is the inside doing as well as the outside is?

How many people have lost their soul because the money just smelled too good to resist the f*ckery associated with obtaining it?

How many people have lost their lives to drug overdoses because the high of being THE MOST POPULAR, OR THE MOST IN DEMAND, OR THE MOST BROADCASTED came to a halt and they didn't know how to deal with it?

In time, that stuff fades.  Kim's beauty will fade one day.  Life is short and "living it to the fullest" DOES mean you should take chances, but not at the expense of your MORALS and definitely your CONSCIENCE.  Hopefully you have one.  And what will Kim K. have left if the whole basis of her life was subject to the visual?  Or the sexual?  I don't know this chick obviously.  But it IS obvious that a moral code is lost.

Everybody doesn't measure success in dollar increments or in media exposure.  My parents have been married for 30 years as the BEST OF FRIENDS and many people that believe in GOD honestly believe that THAT is what success looks like.  To have a true bond and have trust, and a peace of mind about both is to REALLY know what success is.  To know what it means to be able to rely on a person and to know that you have safe people to go to when you don't look your best, or feel your best, or you messed up something.  You can fall into the arms of someone who WON'T judge you or break you down because they honestly care for your well-being.

THAT IS SUCCESS.

Not the, "F the world", "get money" mentality (that really sounds like a person who's been hurt).  Not the "Get over on them before they get me" mindset.  All of that is recipe for disaster - whether it's now or later...IT ALL FADES AND TURNS TO DUST.   Because most people only want it to show it off because they want others to envy THEM.  This is BECAUSE...they are insecure -- beautiful or not.

Video vixens, World Star Hip-Hop Honeys and all the "wanna-bes":  UNDERSTAND THAT BEING GROUNDED MORALLY WILL TAKE YOU FURTHER THAN ANY HIP-HOP CAMP OR ATHLETE'S HUSH MONEY.  Notice how the Basketball Wives may enjoy nice flights, dinners, vacations, and etc. but it damn sure didn't change their drama or their emotions from being jacked up on a REGULAR basis.  But I know, you didn't even read past the part where I said nice flights, dinners, and vacations.  OR, you're a "BOSS" that doesn't get caught up in emotions.  It's just business for you...I know.

You'll learn one day though.

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I KNOW YOU DON'T WANT ME BECAUSE I HAVE KIDS!!!

Let me explain sumthin to you Lucy ::in my Ricky Ricardo voice::  look at my words RIGHT down here:

THERE ARE MEN OUT THERE WHO WILL LOVE YOU REGARDLESS OF THE FACT THAT YOU ALREADY HAVE CHILDREN!!!

Some ladies don't understand this situation because they feel somehow tainted or scarred by the fact that the relationship didn't work with the father.  

A grown ass man knows that as adults we go through life and things happen.  What if you were divorced with kids?  Would that make the situation any better just because technically you didn't begin as a single mom?  You still are at single mother status regardless of the story that got you there.  AND A REAL MAN KNOWS THAT.

 Now, I'm not saying that you won't find a guy who does not prefer to date a woman with children.  Some men know that they don't want kids or want to deal with them.  Just like a guy might not want to date a brunette, or a Spanish woman, or Black woman or any other person that might not be his preference.  

I remember it was 2007, I had been out of a serious relationship for about 7 months and I had one friend in particular that I wanted to get to know better.  At the time I was still trying to adjust to the fact that I had a second child and felt very uncomfortable telling people that I had kidS...especially a guy that I thought would judge me.

 Then I remember speaking to a good friend about the situation on IM and this is what he told me:

"A real man knows that life goes on and if there is a woman he is truly into, he looks at her and not at her "stats".  If a man sees you handling your business with your children and you have your life together and are taking good care of them, it's more of a turn on.  He works harder to prove that he is worthy of being in your life."

And what I see often times is a woman killing herself mentally - trying to prove that she is worthy of a man that she has her eyes on instead of trusting God enough to wait for it all to fall into place.  And usually it falls into place when you're handling your business and it feels "off-guard" because your mind is in a healthier space.

THE LAST THING THAT YOU SHOULD EVER EVER EEEEEVVVERRRRR DO IS STAY IN AN UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP, SETTLE FOR LESS THAN WHAT YOU KNOW YOU DESERVE, OR HOLD YOURSELF TO A LESSER STANDARD BECAUSE YOU ARE A SINGLE MOM OR BECAUSE OF HAVING CHILDREN YOU FEEL UNWORTHY OF SOMEONE MAKING A TRUE EFFORT TO BE WITH YOU. 

Whether you consider yourself a valuable treasure or yesterday's trash...you have the power of that being reality.  And with either choice...you will be right.  It's all up to you.  REMEMBER THAT.

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ARE NICE GUYS "NICE" BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO BE??? (PART 2)

I got some really interesting feedback about this topic and I wanted to elaborate on it more AND clarify a few things if I may (clears throat).

Most of the people who I talked to about this wanted to place emphasis on the female mentality by saying that women do NOT respond well to the men that have more "gentleman-like" qualities and sadly enough...men that are classified as "nice guys" do not get as many romantic opportunities as the arrogant and "not-so-nice" men.

Well...1st and foremost...if you refer back to my last post...I do tap into that assumption a little, but it wasn't my main argument.

My last post was more about the MALE MENTALITY and the fact that men who lack confidence often use the argument of women not liking "nice guys" as a cop-out to cover up their own deficiencies. That's what I was trying to say because I personally know guys like that. Some older than me sadly enough.

Now back to the LADYBUGS and their confused behinds. Now many of the people that I talked to about this had a consensus that women are very confused about the type of man they actually want. Meaning many women SAY they want a "nice guy" but when they get one...they either don't know what to do with him, or they dismiss him for a jerk.

THIS IS A QUOTE FROM ONE OF THE READERS IN THE LAST POST THAT GAVE FEEBACK ~~~~

"the definition of "nice guy" changes with the maturity of the women defining it."

SOUNDS LIKE A REAL STATEMENT IF YOU ASK ME. But then, another reader made the point that, "even women that seem to have it more "together" (responsible, etc.) still fall in this category".

I agree with both statements, but I think my angle on it is far from typical.

First of all, there are many women who have grown up watching their mothers or guardians entertain disrespectful men and had to make sense out of what was happening all on their own. I would imagine in that type of household that abuse may not have been discussed, or maybe the, "do as I say, not as I do" rule may have been in effect. Broken homes period are very representative of many homes today.

But why???

Well, I would definitely say that there is a HUGE issue with women and their standards (or lack thereof). Back in the day, women didn't have a voice - they had more of a place, and I would argue that in many households it was passed down to be in a submissive frame of mind. But I believe over time, that submissive mindset began to get mixed in with bitterness and anger because of people (or men) abusing that dynamic.

The concept of family began to change from traditional to extended to blended to broken and then to reality show celebrities who have no talent. (I know that was random...my bad.) But my point is...it's easy to say that women don't know what they want. And it's TRUE...many women DON'T. But somewhere along the line I believe the mentalities of certain women began to take a turn for the worse in an effort to cope with ways they were treated, what they grew up with, or maybe were exposed to.

I'm not saying it's a man's fault. I think it's a cycle that's been a sad reality for many, many, many years . But if you're going to measure a person for their faults...you should open your minds more and pull out a calculator. Yeah I mean, with all of these females that are broadcasting every bodily attribute other than their minds nowadays, not to mention the women that accept being "the other woman" or the "side-piece", it's easy to blame them for having no standards.

But where did it all come from?

Are all of these women just greedy for shallow attention and gratification from a man, preferably a egotistical man-whore or does she have a story? Is she hurt? Did she learn the ignorance?

I'm definitely not trying to justify women having weak standards, but sometimes you should remember a person like that could be your family member or best friend.

IT'S ALL ABOUT YOUR MENTALITY....LOOK AT THIS. (YEAH IT'S "OLD SCHOOL" TIME SNITCHES. SOME PEOPLE NEEDED A GRANDMA LIKE THIS.)

(SHOW CLIP OF RAISIN IN THE SUN)

(Yeah...I know it's an old old old clip...but somebody needs to embed this mindset back into the world. The moral of my rant is in this clip and it should make you look deeper than the surface of many misguided women in the world. Even the "nicest" of guys wrongfully judge sometimes.)


MIND FOOD VIA THE MARLEY MAN ~~~~~~ CALLED "JUDGE NOT"


"Don't you look at me so smug
And say I'm going bad.
Who are you to judge me
And the life that I live?
I know that I'm not perfect
And that I don't claim to be.
So before you point your fingers,
Be sure your hands are clean."  - BOB MARLEY

(SHOW CLIP OF BOB MARLEY SONG)

~~~~~~ HOPE I FED YOU SUFFICIENTLY ~~~~~

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ARE NICE GUYS "NICE" BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO BE??? (PART 1)

Q: Exactly how "NICE" is a nice guy? Are they nice because they want to be or because they HAVE to be?
 

My reason for talking about this is:

I have come across certain guys...friends...and ones I've went out on a date or two with who believe 200% that women don't appreciate or want "nice guys". They said that when a guy treats a woman how THEY SAY they want to be treated...they don't respond to it well.

And stuff like this irks my life honestly. Yes...I said my WHOLE LIFE. Reason being that people refuse to make a thoughtful assessment and size up an entire situation. Instead they scratch the surface making a general statement that isn't valid at ALL. Well, actually some of it's valid LOL.

But let me stop confusing you....I'm going to break this down for anyone who needs to put this matter into perspective.

1) A "nice guy" is not a doormat. For all of you "self-proclaimed" nice guys that call yourselves "nice guys" JUST because you haven't had a lot of experience with women or you fear rejection like you fear catching Swine Flu...you can't just call yourself "nice" because you humble yourself out of lack of confidence rather than your internal respect for the woman you are interested in. I could probably name about 20 guys right now that are selfish and self-serving as hell but would humble themselves for a woman they find attractive off of the sole fact that they lack self-confidence and would step out of character in order to meet her approval.

2) There are PLENTY of women that are aloof, misguided and wouldn't know a "nice guy" from a statue of George W. Bush. Some women fail to get in touch with herself long enough to know what type of guy she is dealing with in the first place. So yes, THESE WOMEN may be more likely to fancy a guy who would dropkick her down a flight of steps with a straight face. (I know that was violent but I'm just sayin')

3) I'm not trying to further damage the confidence of a guy who has issues with approaching or maintaining a connection with a woman. Really I'm just trying to take away from the DENIAL a guy may have about his lack of lady action. WOMEN WANT CONFIDENCE...NOT A DOUCHEBAG. (Pardon the expression...again...i'm just sayin').

AGAIN....REAL WOMEN WANT A MAN THAT CAN STAND UP FOR HER AND HIMSELF. A MAN THAT IS AWARE OF HIMSELF AND KNOWS WHO HE IS AND MORE IMPORTANTLY...WHAT HE WANTS. THE PROBLEM WITH "JERKS" ARE THAT THEY DISPLAY A FALSE SENSE OF CONFIDENCE. THEN, WOMEN THAT ARE EVEN LESS CONFIDENT ACCEPT THEIR BEHAVIOR AND THRIVE OFF OF THE ENDLESS CHALLENGE OF GETTING ALONG WITH A GUY WHO ALREADY HAS AN INTERNAL STRUGGLE AND THEN IT SHINES THROUGH WITHIN THE RELATIONSHIP...OR BETTER YET FOR LACK OF A BETTER EXPRESSION: EVERYBODY'S ALL JACKED UP.

BUT BACK TO THE SELF-PROCLAIMED "NICE GUY", JUST THINK ABOUT IT. IF A NON-CONFIDENT GUY SUDDENLY DEVELOPED SOME SWAG (GOSH I WISH THAT WORD SWAG WOULD DIE) WOULD HE STILL BE THE SAME PERSON THAT PUT A LADY ON A PEDESTAL?

~~~ DOODLEBUG SHRUG ~~~

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I DIDN'T REALLY LOVE MY EX

I was so confused about my ex that (at the time) I had invested 6 plus years into. No matter how many times I tried to work things out with him, I was always reminded how much he was Mr. Wrong.   I was at a point of my life where I knew that inner growth was mandatory because I had spent so much time running from my problems - especially with him.  I prided myself on being a strong woman because the tears my ex used to inspire from my eyes had dried permanently.  I couldn't even cry if I tried by the end of the relationship.
  
But this "strength" was coming from a deceptive place.  I was "strong" because I ran.  I had grown accustomed to looking through him instead of at him.  I had judged him, the situation and had a mentality of "F-CK EVERYBODY" when something went wrong because it was easier to detach myself from the source of pain.  I had no idea how much how much I needed to learn about life and love.


I had a good friend sit me down one day and ask me did I truly think I loved my ex.  Of course I said yes.  More than he ever did as far as I was concerned.  But did I really?

At that moment my friend introduced to me the DIFFERENT TYPES OF LOVE that exist.

AREAS OF LOVE ~~~~~  (the names are of Greek origin)

First, there's "EROS".  Eros can be remembered easily from the longer word erotic.  Eros is a type of "love" that most people base their romantic relationships on.  This love can be the butterflies in your stomach to the passion you share sexually.  THE SAD PART IS...THIS TYPE OF LOVE IS TOTALLY DEPENDENT ON THE CIRCUMSTANCE.  It is a PERCEPTIVE love.  Perceptions and feelings often CHANGE - which is why there are so many song lyrics about falling in and out of love.  EROS is a conditional love.

Then you have "PHILIA".  You can remember this one from Philly aka - "the City of Brotherly Love".  That's exactly what Philia is.  It's the fellowship you have with your roll dawgs.  Philia has the same problem that Eros has - it is totally dependent on what's going on at that time.  If something is perceived wrong, or if there is a argument/fight...this could end the bond.  

REMEMBER THIS:  If the basis for your relationship thrives on Eros or Philia...the foundation is weak.  

Finally we have AGAPE love.  Agape is the gangster of love.  It isn't a slave to feelings, perceptions, and circumstances.  AGAPE IS ABOUT MAKING A DECISION TO LOOK OUT FOR A PERSON'S WELL-BEING.  IT CHANGES LOVE FROM A FEELING TO A CHOICE. 

Now, some people may say...'you can't help how you feel about a person'.  And they're right.  Sometimes you can't control a feeling you may have about another person.  But that's just the thing.  True love has nothing to do with "feelings". 

When you make a personal commitment to truly LOVE a person...to "Agape" a person, you take control of the situation and your happiness.  For these reasons:

1)  You choose to understand the situation and the person in that situation.

2)  When you allow the other two types of "love" to be the dominant factor in your relationships, you  are subject to much more confusion and conflict.  Your patience and mood can be affected by Eros and Philia very easily thus resulting in unnecessary stress.  

3)  It is exercise for the mind and spirit.  It's like giving your soul a workout.  When someone hurts you and you dig deep within yourself and trust God to strengthen your faith by forgiving them and looking past the circumstance...it's a gift of power and control for your mind.

I honestly don't want to kick my ex down a flight of steps anymore.  To truly LOVE is to embrace those who you have an indifference with.  It's HARD.  Yes.  But that's the test.  Life is meant to LIVE IT AND PAY ATTENTION TO THE MORAL OF YOUR STORY.  

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