But You're Proposing on Friday Right?!

So I'm at the store trying to buy some memory for my Macbook yesterday (I know I'm a dork, I accept that and so should you) and this sales dude came up to me so he could help get what I needed.  I could tell he was one of those guys that knew how to make his work shift go by faster by making small talk with customers.

He told me to forgive him because he was pretty anxious about proposing to his girl on Friday (Valentines Day).  So I was like, "Awwwww!" (Deep down I'm burying my hater reflexes since I dont have a damn ring yet, but seriously).  I always have a soft spot about proposals and started asking him about how long he had been with his girl.  He had already told me about his 2 year old son they have.

He tells me that they've been together for 8 years, but off and on.  Then he voluntairily says that he stepped out on her while she was preggo.  So I asked him if she caught him up in a lie and that's when he told me that he confessed everything to her.  He said he's the type of dude where he wanted everything out in the open - mind you, he said that his girl wouldn't have even known if he had chose to keep everything to himself.

So his whole thing now was to lock everything down because be truly realized now much he loved her after he had a nice opportunity to be a man whore and slide up into a gang of ladybugs (I use the lady part loosely).  He appreciated the genuine connection they had at the end of the day.

He got my memory card and a few other accessories while I told him I had a similar off and on situation, but it didn't result in a marriage.  He told me he could tell that I wouldn't be on the market for too long, which I could appreciate him for acknowledging my fabulousness.

Then as we were completing the sale he goes, "so, what's the rest of your week looking like?"  "I was like, well, I have lots to do in terms of work, but why do you ask?"

(HIS WORDS IN PLAIN ENGLISH:)

"So yeah, you seem pretty cool, I think we should go get some drinks tomorrow and just hang out. You know, nothing like "that",  just hangin'."

So my whole facial expression went from a "I'm so proud to hear about black love" face to a "n****s ain't s***" face of pure disgust.

(a face sort of like this situation right here)

I promise I can't make this stuff up.  Why Father God why?!

So besides the throwing up I held back from doing, are there actual times where men confess unfaithful behavior???  I found that very hard to believe.  Help me out here fellas. Shed some masculine light pretty please.

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Do You Judge A Potential Mate Too Harsh, or Not Hard Enough?

There is a difference between a person who has a checklist of what they want and don't want in a mate versus having a standard.  Meaning, there are some people who really are their own worst enemy and will likely have to experience loneliness before they come off of their high horse and stop being so critical of a potential good catch.  But these people shouldn't be confused with a person who has a standard of what they know they are looking for.


FOR EXAMPLE...There is a difference between someone who is GOING THROUGH SOMETHING and someone who is ABOUT THAT LIFE.

Like a person in-between jobs because of hard times compared to a person who is in-between jobs because they're unreliable and irresponsible.

Like a person who had a brush with the law before, and someone whose New Years Resolution is to update his mug shot the cops have on file.

A person who might have gotten weak at one point and stepped out on their mate and someone who makes a hobby out of entertaining other prospects.  (BEFORE YOU BLACK OUT ON WHAT I JUST SAID....I am not condoning cheating, so don't even go there...I'm only speaking of the difference in mindset.)

Everybody has a threshold of what they will and won't accept, but the problem is when we don't understand when we're either judging a book by it's cover too soon, or when we're not calling a spade a spade. (I love using cliches to prove a point - I'm lying, I just gagged myself.)

It's important we step back and make sure we understand that fact because some of y'all may have let go of a good thing because of overreacting to something that wasn't a habit, but more of an imperfect moment or timeframe.

Make sure you know the difference.

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8 Valentine's Day MUST DOs To Make it The Best Night

 
I'm a hopeless romantic in my mind.  But I'm a Scorpio, so sometimes it comes out a little weird.  Like, instead of hitting up the person, I might go into a complete daze while I'm in the shower and daydream about me kicking his ass in a pool game or better yet Madden because I don't know how to play in real life.  (F*** everybody who ever lied to me and said they would teach me too...BASTARDS).

Anyway I feel like, there should be those days where a man and a woman that are together (or headed in that direction) do those things that re-energize them as a couple like, changing the scenery/having a getaway weekend or trying something new.

But if you don't have the funds or availability, or if you're a wuss about that trying something new situation...you can at least have great SEX.  Or better sex.

For the ladies, I feel like it's always fun to prepare for an evening with your man where you can get your place (or hotel room for the night/weekend) all SEXIFIED (note the word).  For creative minds like myself, you can really show him how much you appreciate him.

For the fellas, I would make this the time you really tap into something your lady is into. 

VALENTINE'S DAY/EVENING/NIGHT CHECKLIST:

So, did I forget anything??? The first person to add to my list in the comments section AND enter their email in the newsletter section (right side of the website) will receive a "Love Kit" in the mail with some freebies from Slumber Parties and toiletries - compliments of Simple Sensitive Skin Experts. 

 (( Muah ))

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Could you date someone you thought was dumb as rocks?

Alright now, damn that.

This one is for men and women - whether you're involved or not, most of us have preferences (some need to aim lower or higher depending on how accurate your self-image is - that probably wasn't nice, but whatever).  

I feel like the preferences are more about appearances for most people but for me personally, I COULD NOT talk to a guy who I'd have to dumb down my whole existence for. 

Some chicas are in bed right now with the dude with the Super Size Yankee Doodle and a Happy Meal conversation.  I'd probably drown myself in sink water having a man like that. I don't know if it's the same for men though.  I feel like I know some men who would rather have a chick that isn't as quick as she could be.  Hopefully I'm wrong though.  Do men even care about this?

On the same tip, I wouldn't want someone who talked down to me because they thought they knew every damn thing.  That condescending tone is definitely one good way to channel my inner Sailor-Scorpion-Samurai-Slow kick to the jaw reflex I got going on behind my Care Bear exterior.  (Damn anyone who doesn't believe I'm a nice person).

I feel the same way about men who act like a doormat.  They don't have any threshold of how they should be treated.  Now I KNOOOOOOWWWWWWW men have this mindset about women.  This is your mental separation of a possible "keeper" versus a "to do list item".  And yes, most of these "doormat men" call themselves "nice guys" when they really need to change it to "delicate dudes that need to eat a man the f**k up sandwich".

I'm just saying, please stop confusing "nice" with missing a backbone.  

It might be worse for me because intellectually, I feel like I need someone who I can talk to and have a decent (doesn't have to be perfect) exchange with about things that are important to us.  That would affect how attracted I am hands down.  Not that I need for us to talk all the time, but he should be able to.  I could see a handsome, physical package of a man all day, but if he talked like Waka Flocka aka 2nd grade spelling bee, I'd disappear right before I rubbed his ribcage.  Giggity.  Just joking.  

Anywho,  I'm really curious about the male side of this equation.  I feel like a lot people have lower standards (if any at all), but is intelligence on the list at all?  And if not, why?

Hmmmmmm????

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Amel Larrieux Cries On Stage About Her Supportive Husband

Most people remember her as the ladybug from the 90s group, Groove Theory - Amel Larrieux.  She came to Washington, DC at Howard Theatre today for a performance that left me feeling like I was on Cloud 99 1/2.

Aside from my publicly admitting that I am a proud stalker of this beautiful singer and the fact that I was blown away by her classically trained, neo-soul mixed with a dash of hip-hop vocals, she had several messages during her show that hit home.

Watch the video:

When I was there assisting with engineering and production, I saw the way Amel and her husband/manager, Laru Larrieux (yes his first and last name are both pronounced the same) interacted with one another.  Laru was protective and very in sync with Amel when it came to what she needed.  He catered to the things she needed before her performance that would enable her to do her very best.  

What I saw wasn't a man being run by his famous wife - I saw a bond.  I saw a genuine connection and unity that strengthens Amel's success.  

How many of us have had a goal, a want, a need, or an interest that was shot down, belittled or ignored by someone who should have not only your back, but your best interest at heart?

Amel said one very true thing:  "You've got to have your TROOPER behind you".  That is REAL. When you have a combination of supportive people behind you and rooting for your success, the entire unit can thrive.  I can say I don't deal with too many people because unfortunately some folks I've entertained in the past were deadly to my progression.  You can't expect to stay motivated when you have naysayers and skeptics in your ear on a regular basis.  I don't care how much a person believes they are immune to it.  

NOBODY SHOULD HAVE TO DEAL WITH A SPOUSE, SIGNIFICANT OTHER, FRIEND, OR RELATIVE WHO WILL TRY TO CRUSH YOUR AMBITION OR YOUR SPIRIT.  IT'S ONE THING TO TELL YOU THINGS YOU NEED TO HEAR, BUT NOT IN A WAY THAT KILLS YOUR PASSION OR MAKES YOU FEEL GUILTY FOR HAVING IT IN THE FIRST PLACE.

That's why it's important to choose that special someone wisely.  Amel is truly blessed.

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Leave Olivia Pope ALONE!!!! ((In Honor of Ms. Chris Crocker))

Seriously though.  Black dudes, you slay me with these side chick memes about Olivia Pope (some of you just want a laugh or 5, I'm with that) but the rest of you bastards are poking at this chick being dead ass serious like you have a valid point.

FACT:   THIS IS A FICTITIOUS CHARACTER PLAYING A FICTITIOUS ROLE ON A FICTITIOUS SHOW!!!!

I'm only writing this rant because it's Thursday and I got my Gladiator goggles on for Scandal to come on tonight but more than that, this is a good example of the divisive mindsets that black folks have against one another.

When I was a kid in the 90s, shows like Melrose Place, Knots Landing, Dallas, etc. were on and they were HIT SHOWS just like Scandal - except for one thing.  The lead character was not a black woman.  It was also not a black woman being judged for her script.

All those old shows had skanks sleeping around with everyone and when I say skanks, I mean the MEN TOO.  Everybody had been with everyone -- sons were uncles to their cousins and some more shit.  Nobody was calling Heather Locklear on Melrose Place a "side anything".  She was called a "steamy actress who stops at nothing to get what she wants".

So why can't we be just as non-judgmental to Ms. Kerry Washington who has come quite a long way from her role in "Save the Last Dance"?  Hmmm?

Like I said, I'm all for a good laugh and an opportunity to poke at some funny stuff, but for the wives/girlfriends who feel "some kinda way" about her being banged by the married President, I just hope you exhibit that same discrimination towards any other chick in any other show or movie that contains all those controversial elements that have made movies what they are since the beginning of time.

Don't get me wrong, if you don't like Scandal, that's your choice as a citizen of the world. But things should be measured fairly.  Scandal is a damn good show with a great cast of people - the main character happening to be a Black woman who should be allowed to do her thing without being criticized for her script.

Some of y'all watch horror movies and love them.  Guess that means you worship the Devil now.  C'mon son.

Let entertainment be what it used to be before REALITY TV erased the line between real and fake.

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So Do You Choose the Friend Zone, or Settle?

It's crazy to me how I'll see all these memes talking about how women "friend zone" "Mr. Right", but then you'll see the same people talk about how women shouldn't settle for anything less than the best when it comes to who you put your time and energy into.

Now, me being a black woman and all, I already know how our input gets received on this topic and it's very unfair to say the least.

There are many women who accept bullshit from an awful guy just because the sex is good, or she can't get over him, or for her own weaknesses that keep her stagnate.

I was that girl I won't lie, but much of the problem with this whole argument is the fact that people get the VILLAIN TITLE so quickly from speculators, but don't know the whole story - then these people are labeled "bad guy" or "basic chick".  For example, women who vent to their friends about their relationship issues, and now the friend hates her boyfriend and continues to hate him long after the couple has humped and made up.  The friend doesn't know both sides of the story, so she assumes her friend is settling for a jerk.  And more often than not, it's usually these assumptions that are the story more than a female who won't stop dating "Pookie's" ass.  I'm not speaking about a woman who is accepting abuse. But even that woman needs counseling, not judgment and ridicule for her lack of understanding or outlet.

Men constantly judge women for remaining friends with a guy who she only sees in a platonic light, but what if she gave him a chance only to feel a void within her relationship or marriage?  What happens if she comes across someone she has more COMPATIBILITY with?  She can't win either way with people because honestly the right thing should have begun with the woman being true to herself and her genuine feelings.

PEOPLE HAVE PREFERENCES.  EVERYONE.  MEN AND WOMEN OF ALL RACES. HOWEVER, BLACK WOMEN ARE THE MAIN ONES WHO ARE SCRUTINIZED WHEN THEY EXPRESS THEIRS.  HOW UNFORTUNATE.

You can't fake an attraction.  You can cope with a few shots of Ciroc or a joint if that's your thing, but ultimately, something about what you don't feel will begin to tell on itself.

FACT:  BLACK WOMEN WHO SELECT ASSHOLES TO BE WITH ARE NOT THE CAUSE OF 70% OF BLACK MOTHERS BEING UNWED.  THIS IS NOT THE ROOT OF THE PROBLEM.  THE PROBLEM IS THAT THE OVERALL MINDSET IN THE BLACK COMMUNITY IS FUCKED AND HAS BEEN FOR CENTURIES.  AND ONE OF THE MINDSETS HAVE TO DO WITH MEN AND WOMEN TURNING AGAINST ONE ANOTHER.

I didn't even mean to get all heavy on em' with those actual market research statistics, but I get sick of people not looking at the entire picture and understanding where many problems stem from.  Black women have so many disadvantages in society when it comes to how we are viewed, but the saddest part is the judgment we get from our own kind. ESPECIALLY BLACK MEN!  A few Shenay-nay's out there and now all black women have to kill themselves to look like a regular decent person who is worthy of a fair selection of a significant other.

CONFIDENCE is usually what a woman craves in a man.  Not his womanizing ability or if he's a dope chauvinist.   A woman will tend to gravitate more towards a man that she sees is desired but wait, don't men do that too???  Could have sworn they did (shrugs).  It's just like a popular product, or restaurant, or whatever.  There's usually something appealing about that thing that may give it more attention or fans.

But more than any of these shallow things, it's about a real CONNECTION.  And connections are important.  What's the chemistry like?  Is it there or is it being forced? How could you consider being with a person you don't naturally desire?  Especially if they haven't grown on you yet?  And yes, some people could grow on you, but what if they don't? Does a "nice guy" automatically equal "great catch" or make the woman obligated to dig further?  And what the hell is a nice guy anyway?  Some guys only call themselves nice because they're too scared to act the way a more confident man would.  Some shy ass dudes want to do the same thing they would see an "asshole" do, but they're too much of a punk to execute.

That's why the whole ridicule of the nice guy epidemic is bullshit to me.  There's no reason to complain about a woman who can't see a decent guy for how great he is, it just means she's not the one for you.  Women that complain about no decent men get told this everyday.  It's the same shit.  So shut the hell up already LOL...







I will continue to preach this because humans are what they are and like what they like.

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THIS is Why You Cheated.

I'm tired of people cheating in relationships when they put themselves in a situation to cheat in the first damn place.  

Oh, you probably don't understand what I mean.  

What I'm saying is....some people are greedy and want to "dip and dab" with anyone who is easy on the eyes.  There's no changing those selfish bastards. BUT...some people link up with a person who they know damn well they only feel LUKE WARM about and then cop an attitude because they feel "blah" about the person.  Then someone else comes around that does one of these to your underroos: 

and then you find yourself into a marriage and/or living situation with this person you feel like slapping with a brick because they weren't the one for you -- and you knew it all along.  

One thing I know is that most of us don't want to be alone.  Even the ones who are single know deep down they would rather have someone to come home to but would rather protect their egos and save face about what they really feel.  I know that isn't everyone, but I hated it personally. 

You cannot force yourself to feel things for someone that don't come natural in terms of attraction.  It’s either there or it’s not.  I will say that I have dated a few people that I “liked” but I really wasn't doing any mental or emotional backflips for them.  Even one guy I dated that fit my personal prototype of a "good catch" (basketball player physique, gorgeous face, independent)  didn't give me butterflies at the end of the day.  I just didn't "connect" with him.  And sometimes we connect with someone, but they were only meant to be a friend.  


I can honestly say that one guy I dated for about 6 months was a perfect example of this.  He pursued me nonstop and although I showed interest for a short period of time, when I realized he wasn't my type, I tried to decrease communication and the guy wasn't having it.  He attempted to pursue me harder until I gave in.  For a split second, I admired his persistence and gave him a chance.  But you can't date a person out of obligation or pity, or compensation for loneliness.  At the end of the day, it won't work out because your real feelings (or lack thereof) will tell on itself.  


And what if I married him?  There are PLENTY of people who marry the "maybe men" and women.  


IF YOU GO INTO A RELATIONSHIP TRYING TO BE WITH SOMEONE FOR ANY OTHER REASON THAN YOU HONESTLY WANTING TO BE WITH THAT PERSON AND BUILD WITH THEM...THE RELATIONSHIP IS DOOMED FROM THE START.  


You CANNOT hold together a relationship because you had children together, or you can't find someone better, or the sex is good, or you want to fit in with your married friends, or any other asinine excuse.  It has to come from a genuine place.  


None of us are perfect, we usually mess this relationship thing up once or twice, or maybe many times.  BUT, understanding that a true connection is needed and understanding that you NEED TO KNOW WHAT YOU WANT IN A MATE is of essential importance so you can let your mate (or potential mate) know what makes you happy.  


Don't cheat on Mr. or Ms. Lukewarm when you could've been with that person that makes your heart do the Love Olympics.  (I'm corny I know...whatever, you get my point).

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THIS IS THE PERSON YOU SHOULD NEVER GET ADVICE FROM

You should always consider the source when you take advice from someone.  Many times (especially within the lady population) we will vent to our girlfriends about our lives and try to make ourselves feel better about a situation - after all, it is healthy to vent rather than holding in emotions.  I don't believe the story ever ends well for a person that doesn't ever express their emotions.  BUT, the problem is when we vent to certain people, we often end up with advice that puts us in a really unhealthy frame of mind.  And why is that?  It's because emotions are there and it does not allow advice to be given from an OBJECTIVE and clean slate.

Take Kim and Nancy for example.  Kim is going through problems with her boyfriend.  Nancy is unhappily single and really upset that she never gets to hang out with Kim because  Kim is usually with her man.  Nancy's bitterness (that she will never admit to having) will cause her to give Kim the advice from hell and basically tell her f*ck her boyfriend for doing anything besides being perfect.  Now, if Nancy was being a good friend, she would try her hardest to remove her own personal feelings out of the equation to say what is best for her friend but unfortunately, there are TONS of people out there who would look out for their own interests.  Or, they are ignorant of what the "right thing to do" really is because they can't even get their own personal lives together.

Which reminds me, if you are getting advice from a person whose love life is more screwed up than you, you might want to rethink your judgment and put down that 4th bottle of Corona.  

Misery definitely loves company and even though it may not be Nancy's intention to make Kim unhappy, she will definitely serve her own agenda if it means she can count on Kim to be more available for "girlfriend" time she wasn't getting before.

It doesn't matter if this person knows you more than anyone or if they are family...or "family".  Sometimes these are the very people who don't want you to "do better" because they have a void within themselves.  I'm not saying that you should say eff their face and write them off, but you should definitely find a "Plan B" when you're in a venting mood.

You have to remember that when you kiss and make up with your better half, the audience you had for your venting party will still have the vaseline and boxing gloves with Michael Buffer on speed dial to announce the fighting match with his signature million dollar voice.

Bitter friends are still your friends, but they are NEVER the ones to get advice from.  NEVER EVER. Unless you want to proudly earn your Bitter Birdie membership trophy.

Harsh I know, but true.

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Pointers for Dealing w/ an A**hole

When you are in a situation where you are directly addressing an a**hole, there are many things you can do that will immediately place you on their level.

I REPEAT...

When you are in a situation where you are directly addressing an a**hole, there are many things you can do that will immediately place you on their level.

"Knuckle Sandwich Approach"

Alright kids, now I understand that watching the infamous buffet of designer label hoodrats (aka Basketball Wives) may subliminally influence you to stir up a blackeye salad.  Understand that even taking your mind there is bad for your overall mood and mindset.  This will automatically raise your blood pressure and I'm tired of seeing pharmacies in bedrooms from people that needed a nice dosage of woo-sah in their diet.  Seriously.  

"Yes, I'm Judging You" Face

I have a best friend that is worse at this whole situation than I am - which is pretty bad because there are many people like us that can't do the Poker Face hustle.  It just won't work.  HOWEVER, you are automatically making the exchange more long and drawn out by responding this way.  If you want to keep the convo with the a**hole short and sweet, just chill and focus on ending the encounter rather than escalating it to the "Knuckle Sandwich Approach".

"F You and Your S---" Approach

Um...yeah so the whole vandalism thing.  I would HIGHLY suggest going to the dollar store and buying about 5-10 dollars worth of cheap glasses and dishes and go to town breaking them in an abandoned parking lot with a loved one.  A punching bag would be the next best thing.  Be sure to adhere to the littering and loitering notices at said park and/or parking lot.  We have to be strategic about our tantrums folks.  Let's not be sloppy and get hit w/ an expensive citation.

"You're Going to Go Deaf When I'm Done w/ You" Approach

We all know the whole expression, "Don't argue with a fool because they will bring you down to their level and beat you with experience" - meaning, you will kick yourself after the fact for wasting your time and precious oxygen.  Pay close attention to the person you decide to blackout (aka - yell uncontrollably) with.  If they are calm and collected while you're doing sign language for kickboxers, you might want to tune into your inner yoga and pretzel your legs along with your tongue.  You will always make a stronger point delivering it in a calm fashion.

The most important thing to remember when dealing with an a**hole is that you can easily frustrate your whole day, week, month (you get the picture) by giving them too much of your mental space.  You have to pick and choose your battles wisely and decide if it's really worth the migrane, hangover, or any other result of your stress.  It really does take two to argue, fight, and tango.  Having the last "word" should only be important when you're a kid.  Seriously.

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